Parenting an adopted child (especially an older adopted child) IS different than parenting a biological child. I have often felt like I am a leper in a community of sainted adoptive parents because I just couldn't manage to parent the girls the same way. What worked for one didn't work for the other... Much like parenting a baby is different than parenting a teen-ager. Ava is my baby and Grace is my *teen-ager*... When I raise my voice at Grace (I know, you can't hardly believe I'd ever do that) she KNOWS without a doubt that I still love her - that she's still part of our family - that she's STAYING... and it works. I can say her name in *that* mom way and she knows instantly that she better get back in line. With Ava, that's not possible. If I raise my voice at her (again, *if* - I would never resort to that kind of parenting... (ha!)) she really believes she'll be on the next plane back to Ethiopia but for the past 4 months I've been killing myself to make things "fair" for both girls. After a long conversation with one of my dearest (and farthest away) friends (also adopted a girl at the same time we adopted Ava) I realized that my job is not to provide FAIR for either girl.
It's not fair that Ava had a hard life before she came into our family. It's not fair that she has a disease she'll have to deal with for the rest of her life. It's not fair she had to bury her parents.
It. is. NOT. FAIR...
It's also not fair that Grace woke up one morning with her entire world turned upside down. It's not fair that the mother who gave her 100% of her attention is now divided and often times unavailable because she's dealing with her new sisters issues. It's not fair that we expect A LOT more out of her just because she's who she is... and I know she can handle it (just don't know for how long.)
None of that is fair. Not one single bit.
But I learned in talking with Sarah that it is ok. It's ok to have rules for Ava and different rules for Grace. I am 100% confident that Grace can run to another aisle in the supermarket to get something I need - I know she'll go and come back. I have NO idea if Ava would come back.
That is but one (not so great) example - but it happens in our house every day...
And it always leads to frustration.
Ava is frustrated because she's not allowed to do something.
Grace is frustrated because she's always done something but might not be allowed to do it anymore because it's easier to say no to Grace than to deal with the fall-out of Ava.
Mom is frustrated because she sometimes wonders how this could possibly be this hard.
Grace has no pants that fit her. She has a few pair she can wear - but lets face it... they don't fit. She's needed jeans for a while and it's just a pain to shop for her. She has the sweetest short little legs and don't really match her body - so it's always a challenge to find pants that fit and it always means a trip to the tailor or pulling out the sewing machine...
This morning (after missing church yet again... which is another story for another time) I decided that Grace NEEDS clothes and she needs them now.
I'll preface all of this by saying that Ava has been blessed beyond words by a friend of ours (love you Sherri). Sherri has sent all of her girls hand-me-down clothes to Ava. I'm certain that Ava has more clothes than the other 3 of us combined! But when I told the girls we were making a trip to Target I wasn't prepared for what happened.
Me: Girls. We need to make a trip to Target today. If you want to spend your gift cards from Christmas make sure to put them in your bags.
Grace: Why are we going to Target mom?
Me: Pants. We need to get rid of all your small pants and get some that fit.
Ava: Pants me too?
Me: Not today Ava - when you need pants mom and dad will get you some.
Ava: I have no pants mom
Me: Ava you have many pants. Let's go see how many you have. (opening a drawer FULL of jeans and pants). See Ava, you have 14 pairs of jeans. Then you have 5 pair of leggings and a pair of overalls.
Ava: Me no like
Me: I'm sorry. When you need pants mommy and daddy will happily buy you some. Grace doesn't have even ONE pair of pants that fit her.
Ava: Me no pants.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way Ava
Ava: You no love me. Only Grace. Grace everything Ava nothing. (you don't love me, you only love Grace. Grace gets everything she wants - Ava gets nothing.)
I have to walk away for a minute when she does this (often). I can't count the number of times Grace has had to stand back and watch people fall over Ava. Giving her things. Talking about her.
Grace has become invisible (her words - not mine)
So if she needs pants, darn it, I'm going to buy them.
I know that an 8 year old can't *see* that - and i know that it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme... but it is getting to be a challenge to deal with.
I know she's going to have a MASSIVE melt-down in the store but I also know she couldn't handle staying with Jason for the time I was gone (she still has a tough time being away from me when I'm in the bathroom).
Grace needs pants - or the next time you see her she may very well be naked!
I also can't buy something for Ava every time Grace gets something - that's a trend I have no desire to start. I don't buy Grace something every time Ava gets something - and it isn't as if Grace doesn't feel sad when Ava gets things and she doesn't.
I know it's normal. I know it's part of the process. But I'm starting to feel a little crazy.
Any suggestions?
Tears ...
3 hours ago
4 comments:
Just because Ava has had a hard life, doesn't mean that she hasn't learned to manipulate and use a little emotional blackmail. As hard as it is, you need to let her be disappointed once in a while. I really believe she's smart enough to know that you love her. It will take time for her to know that you are not going to abandon her, but in the meantime, you just have to get tough and not give in to her unreasonable demands. I know it is hard - been there, done that. We struggled so hard with not being "fair" because our adoptive child was mentally handicapped. But I think you are smart enough to know what is reasonable and God will give you the patience to implement it!
Foot, meet ground.
She's testing and learning with every example.
I'm sure that's easier said than done, but her life just improved a thousand fold. She doesn't need pants, she needs to know you love her equally.
I agree with both of these comments, but I also think you hold a bit of guilt for Grace having to now share you, if you and Jason were to have a baby this would be the same process of her having to share, and do things different and not getting the same things or as much attention, I think it is important that you do not let the spirit of guilt rule in this situation, the facts are you were told Ava is your daughter.... and Grace is your daughter and you love them both in a amazing way, but just as Ava can earn to manipulate so can Grace as far as the guilt thing. Honey this is hard stuff, but at this point you are family and Jesus will show you just what to do. sweetie i know r this is hard, ask our Father rebuke the spirit of guilt and dont let guilt rule the way you parent, for either girl. no guilt over avas past no guilt over grace no longer being a only child. stand firm in loving them equally but differently !
As a mother of 13 children ... I've got to tell you. Every child is different. Every child has different needs. Every child has to be parented according to their makeup.
Yes ... there are times that we need to be fair. I have 3 young adult children that had birthdays a week or so ago. I would NOT have bought one a $100 present, another a $50 present, and a nice card for the 3rd. Nope. Wouldn't do it. I gave them each a $25 present.
IF ... one of them was in NEED of something different, more expensive, I would buy that separately from the birthday gift. I give when there is need. Last month I gave 1 of those same young adults $1,000 to buy a car. I gave another one of those children $600 for her missions work in Argentina. I took out a $9000 loan for the 3rd "child" that will be paid back. They all have different needs.
How we explain the "Grace can do this but Ava can't" when dealing with our adopted and bio. kids that are the same age ... I explain to little Miss Rachel (8) that Elijah (8) has had many more years of training in how to do these things. I will be training Rachel to do the things that Elijah does, but it will take time. Even after 2 years ... there are many things that we can trust Elijah to do that we just cannot allow Rachel to do. (Seriously ... she could kill herself, as she has no perception of safe or dangerous. She's already had 2 concussions in the past 2 years with us.) And, in fact, she may never have the same understanding of life that Elijah has, so she may never be allowed to do all that he is allowed to do.
Every child is different. We, the parents, need to know and understand those differences ... and parent accordingly.
You're doing a good job. Put off the guilt, and move forward with confident and purposeful parenting. And ... let me know if you ever want to chat about some of this stuff. I head off-island quite often, so could meet you for a coffee date.
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