Oohhh... She's so cute!

If only that was what mattered. If "being cute" was the key to a solid, successful, fulfilling life she would have it made. Sadly, this is not the case. In fact, I think hearing that as the initial reaction from most people when they first meet her has been a huge disservice. Sure, she IS cute. Beautiful in fact, but behind the lovely curls and forced smile is a smoldering anger waiting for the opportunity to break free.

Our family is swimming through crisis right now. There is nothing that is easy about adopting an older child. Nothing.

So many people believe that Ava (and other children who are adopted at an older age) should "understand" how much better her life is now - but so few people see just how damaging it is for a child of any age, but I believe especially those who are older, to leave their family, their homes, their language, their friends, food, and country. It might be better from where you and I stand - but Ava has made it clear (every single day) that she is in no way thankful for what we did to her.

She's just so cute Christall, you guys are so lucky!

Every morning I set aside some time to pray and I've noticed there is a common thread among those prayers as of late. I want to know why God thought I could do this. I am certain I never gave any indication that I had the strength or ability to undertake a job this big. Parenting a child from a traumatic background is not easy - even on the "good" days it is still the hardest job in the world. I struggle in my disbelief. I don't know if I parent Ava the way she needs to be parented. All of her anger and fear and grief is directed toward me. She has a very physical anger. I think in part it is because she still doesn't have the words that give justice to the depth of her pain, the range of emotions she is feeling... but you don't need words to hit or kick or bite. Most days I can rest easy knowing that she feels comfortable enough and secure enough with our relationship that she can direct all of this aggression my way - but then there are other days when I don't know if I can take another second of this.

She's such a sweet little girl...

I believe she does have the ability to be sweet and kind and loving... and for the most part she is, with those outside of our family...  More often though she is angry, hateful, hurtful, and manipulative.

You are so blessed...

This is the one comment I can't hear enough. All of the others - well, if I never heard them again it would be too soon! Our family is struggling to find our way right now - trust me, her cute, sweet little face isn't what we're concerned with... but we know each and every single day that we are blessed to be parents to Grace and Ava. I have no idea what the next 5 minutes are going to bring, never mind the next 5 days or 5 years... but I do know I am blessed beyond comprehension - and there are times when that realization is the only thread of hope I have to cling to... and cling I do - until the wave of fear or pain or uncertainty passes and I can once again step out onto the shaky ground that we are navigating.