Cornrows & french braids

traveling with kids from the tough places...

2011-01-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

We *needed* a vacation...

We haven't been away from home together, as a family, since Jason opened the shop. Not since we bought the shop - but even before that - when he was hired to open the shop for its previous owner. Needless to say - it's been TOO long.

We spent A LOT of time talking about the trip. Talking about what we would do, what we wouldn't do, what we'd see, hear, eat... We were all excited.

Then we hit one of those unexpected little snags. We got stuck.

The blizzard that hit the east coast tossed a little wrench into our well-laid plans. We ended up having to stay in NYC for 6 more days. That meant 6 days that I hadn't planned for, 6 days of flying by the seat of my pants, 6 days of over stimulation, 6 days of freezing cold weather that we hadn't planned on being in, 6 days of uncertainty...

For Jason, Grace, and I it was a grand adventure (or at least the posibility of a grand adventure). For Ava it was too much...

We did end up having a great time - sometimes Jason and I tag-teaming with one of us staying behind at the hotel with Ava while the other went out and explored with Grace. The last few days were very difficult for Ava. As a family though, I was quite proud of how we were able to help Ava deal with the changes BUT still do the things we wanted to do.

A few pictures from the trip...

Spa day at American Girl.

Here you can see Molly getting her super cute fishtail french braid.

Jason's 1st subway experience - and I'm proud to announce that it went off without a hitch. Grace had the cell phone at the ready to dial 911 if it proved to be too traumatic for him - but he handled it like a trooper. In fact, he was amazing for the entire trip. Never complaining about the people, the crowds, nothing... By about the 3rd day he was taking the girls out and about by himself. Secretly, I think he actually enjoyed being there.

Grace's 10th birthday dream come true!

And yes, it was worth every penny we spent, every minute we had to walk to get there in the freezing cold blizzardy snow. Their tiramisu was absolutely divine...

We lived on pastries for 2 days after visiting the bakery.

This was the pile of snow that the doormen had shoveled from the sidewalk in front of our hotel...

When we went to Central Park the morning after the snowfall more than 20 inches had fallen... I still can't believe how much snow fell in such a short period of time. Amazing.

More pictures to come - and maybe a day-by-day review of the trip. It really was a great get-away.

World AIDS Day (December 1st)

2010-11-30T15:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in COSTCO I was shopping with my mom and Grace and I was THRILLED to find the most recent copy of PEOPLE magazine that featured Carolyn and Kiel Twietmayer (if you look at posts during my time in Ethiopia you will see what a lifesaver Carolyn was to ME!) and their family. I was showing my mom the pictures, sharing the bits and pieces I know about them and my mom asked why they were in the magazine.

I told her they were featured in the magazine to draw attention to HIV adoptions.

If you know me, you know that I'm not the lady who lowers her voice to avoid the topics that are less than sunshine and roses...A passerby heard my comment and said, "That's just disgusting."

Here's the kicker...

I agree with her 100%...

It IS disgusting that we are sitting back and letting these children die.

It IS disgusting that we have access to amazing medications that allow our children with HIV to live absolutely normal lives - and we refuse to share that wealth with the people who need it most.

It IS disgusting that here in the US, it's 2010, but with regard to our knowledge and understanding of HIV/AIDS - we're stuck in the 80's.

It IS disgusting that our children are afraid to be real, afraid to tell the truth, afraid to show themselves - because so many of them remember the stigma attached to having HIV in Africa...

She was right, sadly, for all the wrong reasons. It is SO disgusting the things we allow to happen to the vulnerable and helpless.

We didn't set out to adopt a child with HIV but I do believe she was brought into our lives because there is something we are all supposed to do together (maybe it has something to do with my big mouth and tendancy to not back down from a challenge?).

We've been a family for 15 months and during that time the easiest of all of our *issues* has been HIV. Other than taking medicine in the morning and at night we forget that it is a part of our lives. It is a NON-issue.

Maybe adopting an HIV+ child isn't something you are ready to do (I do believe each and every one of you are more than capable however.) but there are SO many other things YOU can do to help. Easy things if that's what you have time for. If money is something you are blessed with there are several organizations that will use that gift in the most beneficial ways to help orphans and families dealing with HIV.

Check out Lisa's blog, A Bushel and A Peck, for some easy ways to get involve.

See what Project Hopeful is doing and figure out how you can help. The have some AMAZING programs. One of my favorites is the FIG program. FIG stands for Family in the Gap - this program requires very little of you but the reward is BIGGER than you can even wrap your brain around. Thirty dollars a month (ok - I just spent $30 taking the girls out for a treat) can SAVE the life of a child. Thirty dollars a month will change their world. Another PH program I love is Hope+ Sisterhood. As a woman, and a mother this program resonates within me. I can't imagine having to give up my girls because I wasn't able to care for them because of a (very) treatable disease. I think none of us here in the US could imagine that.

If you're looking to buy Christmas gifts my two favorites are

Because Every Mother Matters has the most amazing headbands (my girls will be sporting them come Christmas morning). The headband for World AIDS Day is an awesome red color - but you can order them in a ton of different colors. Check them out!

The other gift source I adore is Funky Fish Jewelry Designs. Dawn has made some jewelry to raise money for Project Hopeful and her designs are beautiful.

So, my friends, for me it boils down to this... This is not the life I chose. I would have run away screaming if I had my way. Thank goodness I listened to that tiny whisper I had been hearing for a while. Thank goodness I'm not afraid to stand up and say what is true. Thank goodness I was chosen for this job.

If you don't remember, 16 months ago my daughter was a 42 pound and dying from AIDS.

Today she is a 72 pound fire-cracker who is LIVING with undetectable HIV virus, she is playing soccer, going to school, learning the piano, driving me crazy - absolutely, 100% normal 9-year-old girl stuff.

So today, on World AIDS Day, do whatever you can to help those living with HIV - if you can't do anything than at least educate yourself on the facts.

Come on now, let's be fair...

2010-11-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

When you were growing up, did your parents go out of their way to make things "fair" between you and your siblings?

If Sally got a new dress did Sue get one as well, "just to be fair?"

Did each of you always have the same number of gifts under the tree regardless of the thought or meaning behind the gifts - only in an effort to remain "fair" to all parties?

My parents didn't (not even a little bit), I quizzed my husband and he said his parents didn't either. Today the girls and I spent the day at Children's Hospital (Ava's bi-monthly appointment) and I had an opportunity to ask some other mom's there the same question.

As an aside, I love how friendly you can become with other families who are on the same appointment (rotation) schedule. Since most of the clinics only see patients one day per week and many of us have to come back every 4-6-8 weeks, you really start to recognize people, it gets easier to start up conversations, it makes the whole experience a little more "human."

So today I used those moms as a kind of sounding board. I asked what they did in their own homes to ensure their children were treated fairly. Here's my super-scientific data...

Of the 6 moms I asked, all 6 laughed immediately after I asked the question.

5 of the 6 clearly did nothing to "ensure" fairness but rather recognized that each of their children were individuals and needed to be treated as such.

1 of the moms did rotate the child who was allowed to sit in the front seat. Each of her children (2 adopted, 3 biological) had 1 day per week assigned to them - and on that day they were the front-seat passenger. They also had to help carry in the groceries, take the cart back to the store, help buckle the other kids in their seats... and if, for whatever reason they missed their assigned day, the made up for it in the next week. The rest of the children were not penalized because of their brother/sister missed their front-seat day. So, after listening to her explanation we both agreed that she was a nice, and fair mommy - but she didn't go "out of her way" to ensure each of her children were treated equally.

I was glad to see she had adopted children. I think it added a bit of credibility to my study :) since this is a blog about adoption and family...

Of the 6 moms I spoke with, 2 of them had adopted children and 1 of them was in the process of adopting her foster daughter who had been living with their family for 4 years. Our children ranged in age from 6-19.

I explained my interest in the topic - pulled up my blog on the Blackberry and let them read for themselves. After everyone finished (and we lost 1 family to their appt time - of course, the ONE TIME the doctors are on time it's when we're deep in conversation) we dove right into what the comment made by "Anonymous" meant to us. In an effort to ensure everyone is on the same page - I'm going to cut/paste Anonymous (in the future this person will be known as "A") comment here so you can read it and refer to it as it is discussed.

(Anonymous)
I think it is important that things are as fair as possible. for the adopted child and the bio child. to not get extra because they are either or. I would think if anything making the adopted child not feel as important is also a bad and painful confusing thing. one should not get extra treatment just because this is his or her situation. I can only imagine what it must have felt like to have to go to bed early while a sibling cuddled on the couch and got to watch a movie.. the guilt of leaving the bio child in the dust may just turn into leaving the adopted one in the dust out of guilt. BALANCE needs to happen... not guilt parenting. bio is still a child and can manipulate and add guilt. at some point saying to them all the years i have poured into you are still reality.. but with that reality comes the reality for this adopted one we prayed over and moved mountains to bring home, they now need me to be that for them.. and you to be that for them and we need to start off on a firm foundation of love. so im sorry you feel invisible you are not, and lets the 3 of us snuggle. this post and the past few paints a picture of slowly moving ava out so that grace can be the focus and life can go back to what it was as much as possible before ava came home. stop and look through avas eyes. how grace has felt is now how ava feels, that she will never measure up or have the mom that grace has.

Let's begin at my very favorite place - the beginning...

A's first sentence was, "I think it is important that things are as fair as possible."
If I spent any amount of time really worrying or thinking about how to "make" things fair - it would be all consuming... How can you make fair the fact that my daughter had to watch both of her first parents die? That she has a disease that could take her life, that she worries about her living sisters and brothers every day... What exactly would I do to "fair" that? On the other hand how do I make fair the fact that people practically ignore Grace now? It's as if they stopped seeing her the minute they were introduced to the sweet little Ethiopian orphan... How do I make fair the fact that Grace had to give up some activities that she LOVED because her dad and I have to pay an extra $500/month for insurance + $400 for medications not covered by insurance + the $500/month for two visits to the therapist so we can all figure out how to deal with these life changes... If "A" could come up with some ways I could "fair" that - I'd love to hear them... because really, I'm stumped.

His/her 2nd comment was, "I would think if anything making the adopted child not feel as important is also a bad and painful confusing thing. one should not get extra treatment just because this is his or her situation. I can only imagine what it must have felt like to have to go to bed early while a sibling cuddled on the couch and got to watch a movie.. "

Quite interested to hear what it was that I did to make Ava feel "not as important." Was it sending her to a private school because she wanted nothing more than to GO to school rather than be homeschooled? She mentioned that neither child should get special treatment because of his or her situation... What situation is it that we're talking about? Being birthed by me or adopted by me? Or being a student out of the home vs. a student in the home? There really is no "special" treatment - just the fact that one child HAS to get up early and NEEDS more sleep than the other child. I guess I don't see that as special treatment but rather as a fact of life that required a few adjustments. Again, if anyone has suggestions about what might work better - I'd love to hear them.

Here's a funny thing though... Ava doesn't care less about going to bed early. She'd be fine if we sent her to bed at 5pm - as long as Grace goes too... One night Grace had to get out of bed and re-do the dishes that were her job that night and Ava threw the biggest fit about having to stay in bed and not being able to wash dishes... The other interesting thing - Ava wouldn't, for any amount of money in the world, "snuggle on the couch" with any of us - to make her do something like that would be torturous to her. Sad - but so very true. She wasn't angry that Grace and I were on the couch watching a movie - she was angry that Grace didn't have to go to bed early just because she did.

(It's a lot about control - but we can get to that later)

So far all of the other parents (ALL of them - those with adopted children and those with only bio kids) agree 100% with what I do with the girls. Each of them would do the same thing... A wise friend of mine made a comment to me when we were contemplating putting Ava in school. She said, "different things for different kids at different times." It pretty much sums up my philosophy right now - what Ava needs at this moment is not what Grace needs - and we deal with it accordingly.

The next comment - and really, for someone who chooses to remain anonymous (and I believe a relative stranger to our lives) it's quite judgmental... Not having all of the information on what life is like here in the Murphy household... but - perhaps "A" is someone we do know and they are just to ashamed to say these things to me directly. Either way - I'll clear up a few of the assumptions and address the comment.

the guilt of leaving the bio child in the dust may just turn into leaving the adopted one in the dust out of guilt. BALANCE needs to happen... not guilt parenting. bio is still a child and can manipulate and add guilt. at some point saying to them all the years i have poured into you are still reality.. but with that reality comes the reality for this adopted one we prayed over and moved mountains to bring home, they now need me to be that for them.. and you to be that for them and we need to start off on a firm foundation of love. so im sorry you feel invisible you are not, and lets the 3 of us snuggle.

The guilt of leaving the bio child in the dust. Rest assured "A" that I have no guilt nor have I left Grace in the dust. When we first brought Ava home I did everything I could to "prove" to her that she was an important part of our family - THAT alone brought guilt - It felt fake and stupid and just plain wrong. I felt guilty that I didn't know "how" to parent Ava... but I have no guilt over parenting Grace - I have a hugely thankful heart that Jason and I had raised her and instilled self-worth and love and value into her sweet little 9-year-old self that she was able to take a step back HERSELF understanding and knowing that her sister needed me (at that moment) more than she did. I have NO guilt about that... If anything, it is the accomplishment I am most proud of. I wonder how many 9-year-olds would be able to do that?

I find it interesting that "A" makes the comment about neither bio or adopted child being treated differently because of their "situations" but then, in the comment above, it appears she's suggesting I tell Grace, "Hey, I've parented you for 9 years and it's been great but now there's your sister and well, she needs me more than you do so step-aside." Well, the phrase, "No-way" comes to mind. They are both MY NINE YEAR OLD daughters... Both little girls - and just because Ava needs more of me - doesn't get to mean that Grace gets less... not for a single second...

The moms who were still with me in the waiting area were still "with me" on the parenting choices I made. Always nice to know...

And finally, "A" makes some very bizarre comments - comments that lead me to wonder if I have a little spy in my house... How else could a person go from the bits of information I post here to making the statement that I'm trying to "push" Ava out... WOW.

this post and the past few paints a picture of slowly moving ava out so that grace can be the focus and life can go back to what it was as much as possible before ava came home. stop and look through avas eyes. how grace has felt is now how ava feels, that she will never measure up or have the mom that grace has.

I am so curious to learn what it is that I've said or done that indicates I'm slowly moving Ava out... Grace is the focus of my life - as is her sister Ava... Both are my children - both have different stories and I share those stories at different times for different reasons here on this blog. Now, unless "A" is someone who knows what home is like for us right now, this comment was just plain stupid.

I'll be honest and say I'd love for my life to go back to the way it was before. Not "not" having Ava - but the quiet, peaceful days - days when I didn't have to worry that my 9-year-old was going to freak out because she didn't think she should have to wear any of her clothes twice and kick me in the face out of anger (Hey, "A" want to pay for the dentist bill from that one - I have 2 front teeth that needed repair). I'd love to go back to the days when I didn't have to lock up my cleaning supplies or my contact lenses. Several times, when Ava hasn't gotten her way, she's put windex in my contact lens case. I wonder if "A" would like to pay for the multiple, frequent visits to the optometrist and the medications and treatments I've had to endure to save my sight. I'd love going back to a time when I didn't know what it felt like to be punched in the kidneys, bitten, or hit with any and every single thing she could get her hands on to throw.

I'll be honest.

I'd LOVE that...

I wouldn't trade any of this garbage, any of the pain, any of the fear and anxiety and worry... I wouldn't trade having 2 daughters, I wouldn't trade ANY of it for anything...

I'd love to have my quiet, peaceful, relatively painless life back though...

Mr(s). Cellophane

2010-11-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

Cellophane

Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Never,

even

know...

I'm there

Lots o'stuff has changed at Casa del Murphy.

The biggest change is that Ava is now attending school. We decided on Whidbey Christian Elementary because of its small size. There are 12 students in the school. Yes, the big 1-2! The two teachers (one is also the principle) are great. They are very open to what Ava needs and have done a great job assessing and evaluating and creating a learning plan that allows her to catch up on the years of schooling she has missed.

Getting up early isn't a *big* problem for Ava but she has had to start going to bed earlier so that she's not exhausted by 2pm. This (necessary) earlier bedtime has caused a few little bumps in our road. Grace is still schooling at home-sweet-home and we don't start school until 9am - which means there isn't a reason for her to change the bedtime schedule. We used to let the girls alternate staying up late one night a week for some 1:1 time with us - but now that Ava has to get up so early it's not really an option for her (we are looking at some other ideas to replace that time).

Ava was having a very challenging day (behaviorally) and she finally told me it was because I wasn't making Grace go to bed at the same time. I figured the conversation would come up sooner or later and I was happy to sit down with her and discuss it. I told her that she wasn't going to bed earlier as a punishment - it was simply because she needed that extra sleep and since she had to wake up earlier it was important that she went to bed earlier. She understood that - and really had no issue with it at all - just the fact that Grace wasn't forced to do the same. I also brought up the point that Grace is just a little bit older. When I was growing up I always had an extra 30 minutes or so after my sister/brothers went to bed. I was the oldest and that was one of the perks. Does it really matter that Grace is only 2 months older?

Ava is angry and because of that she has decided she's not talking to me...

After she went to bed this evening Grace asked if we could watch the first part of The Sound of Music. Since I pretty much LOVE snuggling on the couch and hanging out with her, I jumped at the chance...

Ten minutes passed and Grace asked if she could pause it for a minute because she had something she wanted to say. It always makes me nervous when Grace has an *announcement* - there is never any way of knowing what it's going to be... so I braced for the impact.

Grace: Mom, you know that song from Chicago (musical, not group) about the guy who is invisible?

Me: Yes - The character Amos sings that song because he is tired of feeling invisible - it's actually one of my favorites

Grace: Mommy (should have known there was *something* coming - the change from Mom to Mommy is a giveaway) thanks for not treating me like cellophane.

Me: What do you mean. Using you to cover the leftovers and then wadding you up in a ball and tossing you in the trash? (I hadn't figured out where she was going with this whole thing and I find it's always best to lighten the load with a joke or two)

Grace: No (insert 9-year-old eye rolling). Ever since Ava came home I've been pretty much invisible to everyone. I kind of thought you would be the worst.

Me: ME? The worst? Why the heck would you think that?

Grace: You're a good mom and she needed a mom, a lot so I thought you would spend all of your mom time momming her.

Me: Ok - so are you saying I turned out to be a crappy mom?

Grace: No-OH. I'm saying...

             Well...

              I'm kind of trying to say...

             Ummm

             (she started to get a little teary)

             Thanks mommy. You know, for not forgetting me and for making me still feel important. A lot of people haven't been able to do that. They act like Ava is the Queen of England or something - but she's just a kid but people act like they've never seen a kid before.

Me: It must have been really hard for you to go from having me whenever, wherever, however you wanted. You were (and still are) the center of a lot...

Grace: I wanted a sister - but it really hurt my feelings when *relative* started falling all over Ava like she was the only person in the room. *Relative* acts like I'm not even there sometimes.

(this relavation brought on the big tears - it was obvious that she'd been thinking about this for a while and wanting to talk about it - but also obvious that it was breaking her little heart)

Grace: *Relative* makes me feel like I had enough of *relative's* time before Ava came home and now it's Ava's turn to get all of the attention. I'm kind of tired of *relative* reminding me that Ava was an orphan, a poor kid living in Ethiopia, that her parents died... Duh, does *relative* think I don't KNOW that? But I didn't make Ava poor, I didn't make her parents die, and I'm just a little girl - just like Ava is... So why are some of the people that I really love treating me like I don't matter as much anymore?

Me: Sweetheart, I think that is one of the best and hardest and saddest questions I've ever been asked. I have no idea how to answer it other than saying I am so sorry that I've treated you that way.

Grace: MO-OH-MM - That's what I just said. YOU didn't... I thought you would - but you didn't. You don't freak out if I have a bigger piece of cake than Ava or if I chose the radio station two times in a row. *Relative* always says things have to be fair. But it's not fair to treat someone you love differently because there's another kid in the family.

Me: If I was a planet and you were the sun, I'd totally revolve around you... That's how much I love you. But since you're not a planet and I'm not the sun, I'll settle for loving you the best and only way I know how which is the way I've loved you since the second the doctor put you in my arms. I am not perfect, and maybe sometimes I'm not even good - but being your mom is the most important thing I've ever done. I promise I will always see you - always.

Grace: That was kind of corny...

Me: It's not like I sang Wind Beneath my Wings or anything... I'm really sorry that you've been hurting. If I could take it away I would. People are weird though. They look at Ava and feel like they have to make up for the bad stuff that's happened... but you and I (and Jason) see Ava and know that we can't do anything to "make up" for her past... Some people don't get that I guess... You know, the best think we can do for all of us is pray.

Grace: Remember that one time when I told you that you prayed too much and I was worried God would get tired of hearing from you and decide not to listen anymore.

Me: Yes - you told your entire Kindergarten class and asked them to pray FOR me...

Grace: I think maybe it's even worse now.

Me: Pretty much, yes... I feel like I'm praying almost as much as I breathe but I couldn't get through the day if I did it any other way.

Grace: What do you pray about?

Me: I pray that you always know how much I love you. I pray that I have the wisdom to parent Ava and help her manage the hard stuff she has to deal with. I pray that your dad and I can always do the right thing for both of you...

Grace: I always thought you just knew how to be a good mom. I didn't know you had to pray about that.

Me: Ok, now you're just buttering me up because you want something, aren't you...

Things deteriorated into a pillow fight on the couch and ended with much laughing, a few extra tears, and a mom who was able, for just a second, see inside the heart of her daughter.

For all of my friends who have both biological and adopted children - take a minute today to really connect with those bio kids. When we're in the thick of the process of parenting our adopted children I do believe we (unintentionally) move our bio kids to the warming plate (maybe not the *back* burner - but by default they aren't the neediest kids anymore and because of that they can be overlooked). Just hug them. I'm talking about serious, eye-bugging, bear hugs.

In an effort to do everything we can for our adopted children, let's make sure we don't forget to do the same for our other children.

Oohhh... She's so cute!

2010-11-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

If only that was what mattered. If "being cute" was the key to a solid, successful, fulfilling life she would have it made. Sadly, this is not the case. In fact, I think hearing that as the initial reaction from most people when they first meet her has been a huge disservice. Sure, she IS cute. Beautiful in fact, but behind the lovely curls and forced smile is a smoldering anger waiting for the opportunity to break free.

Our family is swimming through crisis right now. There is nothing that is easy about adopting an older child. Nothing.

So many people believe that Ava (and other children who are adopted at an older age) should "understand" how much better her life is now - but so few people see just how damaging it is for a child of any age, but I believe especially those who are older, to leave their family, their homes, their language, their friends, food, and country. It might be better from where you and I stand - but Ava has made it clear (every single day) that she is in no way thankful for what we did to her.

She's just so cute Christall, you guys are so lucky!

Every morning I set aside some time to pray and I've noticed there is a common thread among those prayers as of late. I want to know why God thought I could do this. I am certain I never gave any indication that I had the strength or ability to undertake a job this big. Parenting a child from a traumatic background is not easy - even on the "good" days it is still the hardest job in the world. I struggle in my disbelief. I don't know if I parent Ava the way she needs to be parented. All of her anger and fear and grief is directed toward me. She has a very physical anger. I think in part it is because she still doesn't have the words that give justice to the depth of her pain, the range of emotions she is feeling... but you don't need words to hit or kick or bite. Most days I can rest easy knowing that she feels comfortable enough and secure enough with our relationship that she can direct all of this aggression my way - but then there are other days when I don't know if I can take another second of this.

She's such a sweet little girl...

I believe she does have the ability to be sweet and kind and loving... and for the most part she is, with those outside of our family... More often though she is angry, hateful, hurtful, and manipulative.

You are so blessed...

This is the one comment I can't hear enough. All of the others - well, if I never heard them again it would be too soon! Our family is struggling to find our way right now - trust me, her cute, sweet little face isn't what we're concerned with... but we know each and every single day that we are blessed to be parents to Grace and Ava. I have no idea what the next 5 minutes are going to bring, never mind the next 5 days or 5 years... but I do know I am blessed beyond comprehension - and there are times when that realization is the only thread of hope I have to cling to... and cling I do - until the wave of fear or pain or uncertainty passes and I can once again step out onto the shaky ground that we are navigating.

overwhelmed, overly tired, over extened, and just plain over it!

2010-11-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

What a way to ease my re-entry to this blog that I've missed so very much. I do think part of the unease I've felt over the past few months has been the absense of writing as a form of therapy. I let life circumstances get in the way of something that was truly helpful to me, and as I found out last weekend, to others.

Twice during last weekend I was asked why I stopped blogging. First was my sweet friend Laurie and the second was a stranger (at the time) that I ran into while having lunch out with the girls. Laurie was a teacher in Grace's kindergarten class and I instantly loved how she treated the children, how real she was, and that you could see her love for Jesus in just about everything she said or did. The kind of woman I wanted to be friends with... and though we both left the Christian School our paths continued to cross many times and I'm pleased to say that we are friends - and it really touched me that she continued to check in on me here...

The 2nd encounter was at a little mexican restaurant here in town. A lady approached our table and said hello to the girls (by name). I was SO worried about "forgetting" her name (I hate that) that it took me a moment to understand what she was saying...

"You don't know me - but I recognized your girls from your blog. Is everything ok?"

She went on to tell me that she had adopted an older boy from Guatemala and it was so helpful to her to read about the experiences I had and shared from our life with Ava. I really had no idea what to say to her. My writing here has always been as an outlet for me - I never thought for a minute that it would be helpful to anyone else. Knowing that it has been a help to someone (even just one person) has prompted me to get it back on my schedule and recommit myself to doing it.

In an effort to get you caught up on the life and times of the Murphy family - here's a recap of the past few months...

June/July/August - we spent the summer hanging out at home. For Ava's sake I had to take about a dozen (or perhaps few hundred dozen) steps back. I had to unplan my plans and just let her *be*. It was hard for me, and even harder for Grace but I do think she understood why we had to do it.

September - we went to a really neat family camp for families impacted by HIV/AIDS called REACH. This was truly a turning point for all of us. There are no words to accurately explain what we got out of being together over the weekend and how it planted the tiny seed of healing in Ava.

We also started school in September. It was just as difficult being Ava's teacher as I remember. She's a smart kid but for whatever reason, she and I struggled in the teacher/student role. I prayed about this many, MANY times a day.

October - A pretty typical month. School, soccer, doctors, rinse, lather, repeat. After a particularly difficult few weeks I started the conversation with Jason about maybe finding a school for Ava to attend. It was only days later when the school pretty much presented itself. We visited and enrolled her the same day. It is a very small elementary school at the Seventh Day Adventist church here in town. There are only 10 children in the school - various ages from grade 1-grade 8. We just completed our 1st week and I can see, very clearly, that this was the right decision for everyone in the family.

It was not a decision that was easy for me to make. There were lots of tears, lots of second guessing, lots of confusion and doubt and insecurity but all of those feelings were put to rest after seeing the changes in both girls, and feeling the change in myself. I am happy to be *just* Ava's mom - rather than her mom and teacher. I can rest easy knowing that this is only a decision for *right now* - this doesn't mean she won't ever be homeschooled again. It doesn't mean she'll always attend this school... It only means that for now (this school year) she is a student at Whidbey Christian Elementary School and Grace and I will continue plugging away here at home.

On the horizon for our family...

Next month (December) Grace is turning 10. We are taking a much needed trip to New York over Grace's birthday and Christmas. To say that we are excited would be THE understatement of the year. Grace has her eyes on a birthday at the American Girl Store with a cake from Carlos' Bakery - and this mama (who can NOT believe her baby is going to be 10) is only happy to oblige... Over the course of the past year Grace has been the most understanding, mature, patient 9 year old I've ever known. She's had to take a back seat to so much over the year in order to make room for the things that Ava has needed. I'm not certain she'll ever know what her understanding has meant to me - and I wish that there was a way I could show her - but since that isn't even possible, making her 10th birthday absolutely magical is something I am looking forward to doing if only to let her know just how much we love her, and how thankful we are that we've been trusted to love and cherish and raise her into the beautiful woman that I know she is going to be.

Am I lucky, or what?

So that's the 411 - and I am glad to be back in the proverbial saddle.

How the Iron Man triathalon changed a life...

2010-07-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I said I "was back" a month ago - and then, nothing... I've been waiting and living and digging out of the muck and the mire - walking through a few serious backward slides, a little more digging and now - here I am. Not at the top by a LONG shot - but I feel like I have a teeny-tiny foot-hold and am I praising God for that right here and right now, in the moment...

Today was HARD. It is day 5 without Grace (she's at Girl Scout camp) and a day past what turned out to be an amazing day for Ava (the next post). I think this morning it all just sort of blobbed up and overwhelmed Ava which means the inevitable melt-down and everything that goes along with it.

After things calmed down a bit I turned on the TV and let her just hang out on the couch. She doesn't know how to use the remote yet so she was stuck watching the Iron Man triathalon from 2007 while I took a shower.

I am not an athlete - even in the loosest sense of the world. Sure, I love to get out and kick the soccer ball around with the girls - and some times I'll even run {gasp!} while i'm playing with them but me watching the Iron Man voluntarily is as likely as you waking up as the Queen of England...

However... She was quiet, she was in control of herself, and I was desperate for some calm so I left it on and went about my business.

"Mom. That guy doesn't have any feet. Why he running."

"Because he wants to Ava."

"Why? I have no feet I no do anything."

I sat down to listen to some of their inspirational stories. The tales of the athletes who have faced serious adversity and came back better than ever. The man who was in a car accident leaving him completely paralized and begging for death. The man who lost his lower legs/feet in a car accident. The man with Lou Gehrig's disease, the woman with Cystic Fibrosis... I teared up a few times...

Camera pans to a man.

We watched him running for a while. Then they showed a picture of him, laying in a hospital bed. I figured there had been some kind of accident - but this photo was from a time when he was in the hospital dying from AIDS related infections.

Cue the music, start the water-works.

This man had, at one time, been close to death. Had he been in Ethiopia I would have nothing to write about now. Without question, he would be dead... But he wasn't in Ethiopia he was in the United States. He was fortunate enough to live in a place and time where the treatment options were limitless (as compared to what was available 20 years ago). The camera cuts back to him running, coming closer to the finish line.

"Mom. That boy no have HIV."

"Ava - yes he does. He has HIV and was very close to dying."

"No. He no have HIV. HIV means you die. You no allowed to do things. You just die. No fun. He no have."

So we had the conversation about how in the US you can do ANYTHING you want. It doesn't matter if you are black or white, a man or a woman (boy or girl), if you have no legs or no arms or can't walk, even if you have HIV - you can do whatever it is that you want to do. In Ethiopia the future for a person infected with HIV is basically begging in the streets or working in the sex-trade. In the US the future for a person infected is ONLY limited by what they can imagine.

Ava had tears in her eyes. I asked her what she was thinking.

She said, "In America boy with no legs can run a race. In Ethiopia boy with no legs sits all day and asks people for money and food. In America boy no move (paralized in car accident), doctors make him better and he runs a race. Here (in US) people with HIV allowed to run a race?"

Non only CAN THEY run a race but they can go to college, they can get married, have babies, become teachers or astronauts or doctors. They can play soccer, go to school, have a best friend, love and hate their sister. They can scuba dive, paint pictures, drive a car, and have an opinion. They can plant flowers, take pictures, go to summer camp and go swimming.

"Can I do those things too Mom?"

Ava - you can not only DO those things - I expect you to... There is NOTHING in this world (inside your body or out) that can contain you. You are a little girl who has the potential to do and be anything you want. Until today, until the race, these were only words that she heard. They meant nothing to her because she didn't understand them as truth but as something a mom just has to say to her kid.

She will NOT be held back. She will never, ever have to beg for money or food. She will NEVER be anything other than exactly what she wants to be. There are no preconceived notions, no slots for her to fit into, no holds barred.

Maybe today she'll believe that just a little bit more than yesterday...

And all it took was an accidental viewing of the 2007 Iron Man triathalon...

Maybe I'll jog to the mailbox in honor of the race :)

I am back...

2010-06-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's been close to 2 months since my last post. So many things have happened in those two months and I can't wait to tell you about all of it. Some is good (great even), some is hard, a little bit of sad along with a whole lot of growth in all of us.

Thanks for checking in with me. Thanks for being patient with me. I am looking forward to sharing with you again, soon.

Christall

Life in the fast lane...

2010-04-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

How on earth does time get away from me like this? We've had some big changes in the Murphy household, all proving to be good. The girls and I are now having school alongside another family we know. In all there are 18 children being taught here during the day. It has given me a chance to work with a large group of children again (I do miss teaching), it has given the girls the gift of learning together with other children, and they are getting the benefit of having other adults teaching them (both my girls, and the other children there). Our day starts MUCH earlier than my days have likely ever started - but on the flip side, we are done MUCH earlier than we used to be and the girls have the whole rest of the day to play.

Big change - hard to get in the swing of things - blessing beyond what I ever imagined...

On the adoption front. The little boy I mentioned below has been paired with his new family. My heart hurt for a while, but I am rejoicing knowing he is with the family that was made for him. So for now I will just continue to pray for the children that are more difficult to find homes for, those children with chronic diseases that are manageable in the US but a death sentence in others...

With regard to the adoption agency we used... The investigation continues. They were able to have our BBB complaint (along with the other family's complaint) removed but that was only a drop in the bucket. The other groups we contacted have been in touch with us and things are starting to move. Please pray that sharing our stories, and pointing out the unethical behaviors of those in the adoption community will force our country and ALL of those countries who work with us to demand that agencies (and not just our agency, but ALL of those who deal with adoption) behave in the best interest of the children they serve and the families who are paying them - and not being concerned first and foremost with their pocketbook.

If you are a person who has a complaint about IAG/WPA or Jim Harding feel free to send me your information. I am happy to help you determine the best place(s) to send your complaints in order to maximize the power we have as a group coming together to ensure that the safety and wellbeing of the children this agency has been trusted to care for.

A head injury, perhaps?

2010-03-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

Where the heck have I been? Well, for one I've been dealing with the mess caused by the director of our agency. Who knew that me standing on my soapbox and talking about the trauma my daughter suffered would bring SO many other people out of the woodwork. I have come to know many people who have suffered because of this man and I am thankful that we are coming together to formulate a plan. If you are interested (or have something to share about your J. Harding experience) just email me and we can chat. Otherwise I don't want to waste another second of time on him. It is however, satisfying to know, that change is a-coming!

What does this have to do with a head injury? Well, funny thing.

When Grace was born I KNEW that our family was complete. I knew it. She was born to be an only child. When strangers would harass us about having only 1 child I would rest easy knowing that it was what we were *supposed* to do. With an only child there's never any arguing, there's no worry about paying for college, family vacations, picking up and leaving for the weekend... you can pretty much do whatever you want. Having 1 child is pretty easy.

If you know us or have read this blog with even modest regularity you know that we have 2 kids. Obviously 1 child was not in the cards for us... Ava was absolutely born to be my daughter. She was born to be in this family and there is not a question in my mind through all of the trials and finding our new way, she is exactly where she belongs.

And still, you are wondering about my head?

There's a little boy in the Democratic Republic of Congo who is hiv+ and needs a mama...

I am certain I didn't fall. I didn't get hit in the head with a soccer ball, get in an accident, have a stroke/seizure/tumor... nothing has happened to my brain that might be cause for concern - except - I want to bring this sweet boy home.

Here are the problems with this plan...

We live in a 2-bedroom house and are full beyond capacity
We just paid for the last adoption
We have no $ to start another adoption
Jason isn't buying into this plan (just yet)

Here is what I know...

I have no control over my life. If this sweet boy is supposed to be in my family then nothing I do (or don't do) will change that.
My God is so much bigger than a 2-bedroom house, no money, and a hesitant husband...

Here's what I don't know...

Can my heart survive?
Will this little boy stay healthy enough to wait for us to come?
Why do I feel God directing me into another adoption now? Maybe
it's me? Maybe I'm imagining "the call" - how do I KNOW this is
what I am supposed to be doing...

More of what I know...

This little boy will succomb to AIDS and die if not adopted. In his country (not Ethiopia) they
have access to NO ARV's. He is not being treated and it is likely he will develop AIDS sooner
rather than later - and though HIV in the US is not really a big deal - AIDS in his country is
a death sentence.

What do you think? How do I sort through this?

It was nice to hear you sing again, Mom.

2010-03-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today Grace and I got to spend a few hours alone together. It wasn't planned but every second of it was savored and enjoyed.

Thursday is the day I do our grocery shopping and since we were out of just about everything edible there wasn't really the option of doing it another day. The usual course of action is school in the morning, grocery shopping after lunchtime. Long story short, Ava got in A LOT of trouble and earned herself a day of school work at the shop with Jason. That pretty much means no fun, no playing, no nothing - except school/reading/writing.

It's been 7 months since I've had any time with just Grace and I'm just going to come out and say it, I have missed the relationship we had. I'm not saying I don't love our "new" norm... but I also missed hanging out with my girlie.

We didn't do anything big, we went to Bellingham to pick up a few school books we've needed and then we hit the Co-op in Mt. Vernon (is it crazy to drive over there just because I LOVE the organic gala apples they have? They are seriously THE BEST apples ever!) then we came home. Just Grace and I... The two amigos... driving in the beautiful March sunshine, sun-roof open, wind blowing in our hair, singing our little hearts out...

When we pulled up in the driveway at home I told Grace how much I missed spending time with her and that I really loved hanging out with her tonight.

She said, "You know what I loved best Mom?"

"What, Grace."

"I loved hearing you sing again Mom. It's been a long time since you've been singing-happy, and it was nice to hear you sing again."

Suffice it to say, this past month has been hard. We've been struggling and dragging and trying to figure it all out. More stories of abuses suffered in the care center have come to the surface. We've been talking about Ava's health issues with her (she thought she was placed for adoption because she had Asthma) which have resulted in a lot of anger. Things are picking up at the shop so Jason's been even busier than the normal crazy-busy that he usually is - which means the girls don't see him as much as they'd like (or as much as mama would like). It's just been a month of funk, off, yuck...

And Grace's comment really just made my heart sad. I realized that for the past 6 months I've just been existing. Just doing what it takes to get through the day because somedays that's all I can do. I think we've all been doing that. Ava just pushing through the day to avoid the pain of what she saw in the care-center from the adults who were supposed to protect her. Grace trying to figure out this new family dynamic. Jason just trying to keep everyone happy. And me, the mom, trying to be all things for all people and not living up to my (exceptionally high) expectations.

For now I think I'll just try to remember to turn the radio up and spend a little energy singing along (off-key, of course!)

A girls 1st American 9th Birthday party...

2010-02-09T14:58:00.000-08:00

For Ava's *family* party we let her choose where she wanted to go for dinner - anywhere she wanted to go. We figured we'd be driving to Seattle to enjoy her favorite Ethiopian restaurant, but no, she wanted to go to Applebee's. What does an almost-9-year-old girl want from Applebee's?

A baked potato!

Nothing fancy. Nothing extravagant. Just a plain, regular, boring potato (with sour cream, cheese, and bacon. But don't call the cheese, cheese... just refer to it as "the shredded yellow stuff" - because Ava does. not. like. cheese!)

She was very worried that nobody would come. She was worried she'd have to eat a hot-dog (thank you Grandpa Dennis!). I was worried that it wouldn't live up to her expectations.

The cake. Or as I like to call it - a big, huge, piece of heaven!

Red Velvet Cake with the most divine cream cheese filling and an even MORE heavenly buttercream frosting.

Our sweet friend Bernadette, owner and fabulous cake-artist of BeeMarie's Cakes was able to craft this perfect-for-Ava cake which caused MUCH squealing out of both girls (and their sugar-deprived mama!)

It's covered in flowers and butterflies and ladybugs and truly an amazing work of art. If I didn't know how sublime her cakes tasted it would have been tough to cut into such a beautiful creation but since it is THE BEST CAKE EVER... I had no problem at all :) Many of you know that I've been 100% sugar-free since January 1st, 2010 - except for the 14 peanut-butter m&m's I had at the movies with Merideth. NO SUGAR...

However - I planned the inevitable sugar-coma that would surround my eating this entire cake - and trust me, it would be worth every tiny bit of discomfort (sugar=serious headache!)...

Ava had never had a birthday cake or candles so I let her choose candles (candles with colored flames to match the candle color) and then put the entire box on her cake (only a box of 12 - so not too bad). Here she is lining the outside edge of the cake with all of her candles.

Ava is a budding photog and LOVES to have my camera. She cried when I wouldn't drive back home to pick up her own camera - but was once again happy when I told her she could snap a few shots with mine. A little out of focus - but I love that this is the view that she had for her party. Her whole (immediate) family all sitting, all waiting, all watching - this little girl that we're all totally in love with. I love that it captures her perspective (and her sister, sneaking a lick of frosting when she thought nobody was looking!)

A girl and her cake :)

My favorite part of the whole evening. Jason and I bought her a bike. She's been asking and wanting and waiting for a bike. She can't ride one but she loves Grace's bike and promised that if she had one she'd try really hard to learn. The bike shop in town had to order the one that Jason wanted for her and we couldn't get it before her birthday. We figured we'd wrap up the helmet (she knows about helmets and having to wear one when riding bikes or scooters - so she knows what it is) and when she'd open that she would make the connection between the helmet and her "real" gift. So we're all watching her as she opens it up. She laughs and says, over and over, thank you mom, thank you dad. Pretty helmet. Thank you so much...

She was gushing... which was funny - because she never said anything about a bike.

She put the helmet on, she kept thanking us.

Jason said, "Ava, we got you a bike but it won't be here until Thursday"

Her jaw was on the table.

"You got me a bike?"

Jason told her yes - she looked to me and asked again, "Promise daddy got me a bike."

I assured her that we did.

I asked her why she was so excited about the helmet if she didn't know that we were giving her a bike....

She was just so utterly and completely happy with everything that was happening that she really, truly was happy just to have a helmet...

I loved that.

Happy Birthday...

2010-02-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

Today was Ava's 9th birthday.

I've been in a bit of a funk since having to deal with and confront the issues surrounding the agency we used for Ava's adoption. Since sharing our story on this public forum I have had (and I went back to my in-box to double check/count) 128 emails from families who used our agency but more specifically the director of our agency, Jim Harding.

Several of these families had employed Mr. Harding during his time with his previous agency, WPA - so the stories span a good 8-10 years or so (give or take). Each one of these stories painted Mr. Harding in a very unflattering light - from mild misgivings, to actions that left me speechless for having just read them. Each time I read a new story I prayed for the family that had to sit down to write the words. I prayed for their strength (believe me, speaking out against an agency in the adoption industry is scary!), I prayed for the lives of their children, and I prayed thanksgivings for them - they are putting so much trust and faith in me and I am in awe of that.

I'm nobody.

I'm just a woman who has been touched by the life of her daughter in ways I am just discovering.

I am nobody.

I'm Ava's mom - but I'm nobody special.

Why are these families reaching out to me?

Perhaps because I *am* nobody... but I was strong enough to speak out.

I am thankful for each one of the families that is joining in on this mission. Each of them doing what they can to ensure the safety of Ava's friends. Each of them doing their part by sharing their story. Perhaps on our own we are nothing. In the grand scheme of things what is one family in the adoption world? Nothing.

But what is 128 families all speaking out against one person in the adoption world?

My guess is...

Enough.

But back to the business at hand.

My dear sweet Ava's special day...

Today I wanted to give her everything. From the second we woke up until just moments ago when she finally went to bed. I wanted to give her whatever it was that she wanted.
Really, I know that's just not even realistic. I know even feeling that way is pretty stupid, but I wanted her to know just how loved she is.

Then I started thinking about the children at the care-center who have never known a birthday, never known what it is like to sit at the end of a table with 11 family members who are crazy-0ver-the-moon in love with them. Never having had a cake so heavenly to look at it seems almost a sin to cut it. Wait staff so smitten with them they all stop by to wish him a happy birthday and to get their little piece of the party (or the red-velvet cake!). Tonight I imagine some of those children are enduring the abuses I've been speaking of over the past week. Maybe some have gone to bed hungry because there is nobody there to share with them, no one there to offer protection.

I am thankful beyond even my own comprehension for having Ava in my life. Being her mom has changed me into something I am in awe of and really, marvel at each and every day. It's made me want to fight for the children I had to leave behind. I can't be a mother to each of them, but I can be their protector. I can be their voice.

So today, on Ava's 9th celebration of life, my gift to her was one she couldn't open. It was something that has no price tag, something she may not even understand. My gift to her was remembering her friends. Keeping each one of them safe in my heart and making a promise to them, to Ava, to myself. A promise that I will not stop fighting for them until they are safe. I will NOT stop until they are cared for in a way that every child deserves. Perhaps I can't be their mother. I won't ever be able to rock all of those sweet babies to sleep but I CAN, and I will, be their voice.

Happy birthday sweet girl. You have opened my eyes to things I never knew existed. You've made me grow and stretch in ways that aren't always pleasant or comfortable. I am forever thankful to you. For being my daugther, for calling me mom, for letting me love you.

Happy Birthday.

(tomorrow I'll share the super-cool birthday happenings - it was SO fun and funny and lovely and I can hardly believe that I just celebrated the 9th birthday of my youngest daughter! Some days I STILL can't believe I am the mom to two of the coolest kids ever...)

Truth is a funny thing...

2010-02-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite quotes is, "You can bend it and twist it... You can misuse and abuse it... but even God cannot change the truth."

My interpretation is - the truth just IS. You can always bend the truth (leave something out?) you can twist and stretch the truth - but at the end of the day the truth is exactly what it says - true... no matter how you look at it. no matter how much you wish is weren't so.

Ava was VERY lucky to be able to live her last year in Ethiopia with her sisters, brother, and cousins (though technically they are her neice and nephew - the three of them are the same age so she grew up with them as *cousins*). She was transferred to the care center in Addis Ababa approximately 3 months before I left to pick her up and the stress of living in that environment has left a very permanent and heartbreaking mark.

Unlike other children in the care center Ava grew up being very loved and cared for. She knew and understood what being a part of a family meant. She knew that adults were supposed to take care of you. That all changed for her when she was moved from her very loving family home into the care center.

When we first came home there was obviously a lack of understanding since we were still not *really* speaking the same language. Jason and I took a lot of what she said with a grain of salt - assuming that we just weren't understanding what she trying to express. Her language aquisition was incredible and it became clear after only a few months that we were in fact understanding exactly what Ava had been telling us (though we were still praying it was a mistake). During our first 2 months home Ava had gone through ALL of the photos I had collected of the care-center and thrown away, with a great deal of anger, ALL of the photos of two particular nannies. I had to dig some of them out of the trash because I wanted to save the photo of the child - but Ava was very clear in wanting NO reminders of these two people in our homes.

I did choose a wait-and-see approach to dealing with this situation. When Ava was ready, I knew she'd share whatever it was that was bothering her.

Sleep was something that always took a long time to come for Ava. She would lay in bed for HOURS with her flashlight always reading or coloring. We figured it had something to do with the time changes and the HUGE change in her life and surroundings so we didn't push it. I started to worry though when she would go for the whole night without sleeping. That of course led to a rough next day - but my concern was truly that she was refusing to sleep. I chalked it up to her needing to feel in control of *something* - so we started talking about that... I started giving her more choices (would you like eggs or cereal, the blue shirt or the red shirt, walking Sadie or Autumn...) but nothing seemed to help her.

Finally I just came out and asked her why she wouldn't sleep (this was after I stopped sleeping because I was up worrying about her!). She very calmly told me that her job at the care center was to protect the little girls (children ALL slept together - the babies had a "baby room" but the toddlers through oldest children slept in the same rooms and many children in the same beds). She talked to me about the abuses that happened between the children (which one could expect when you house boys/girls ages 2-14 in the same rooms/beds) and she explained that she'd pile all of the little girls in her bed and stay awake so she knew they'd be safe.

I am thankful every day for Ava's diagnosis. In Ethiopia there is still a wide-spread fear of the disease and I believe many of the nannies were afraid of her because of this. She has told us that none of the nannies ever hit her - but she has shown us what the nannies did do to the other children. The older kids would have to stand bent at the waist with their heads hanging down between their ankles. This was how the nannies would make the children "sleepy" - they would have to stay like that indefinately until they were ready to go to bed... The little children were often spanked (it breaks my heart to hear her talk about this through her tears) if they had accidents in their pants. I've spoken to numerous families that have brought their children home from IAG who are dealing with a myriad of issues surrounding the bathroom.

Ava was supposed to be on a special high-calorie diet because of the struggle she had with gaining weight and she'd often give her food to the other little children because she'd rather "be hungry than have to rock them at night when their bellies hurt from no food." (her words).

Are you wondering why I'm writing about this today?

Our agency was made aware of this very disturbing trend in the care center. There are 4 families who contacted the agency with this information. Four families with children telling the same story - naming the same people (both nannies and children) - and these families went to the agency so that changes could be made.

I wish I could write about happy, fuzzy, sunshine now. I wish I could tell you that something, anything had been done. But that is not the case.

These families were told that their children were lying. The parents were told not to believe the children. The agency issued a statement saying an "investigator" went to the care center and saw no evidence of abuse other than one nanny spanking a child with a belt.

You tell me. If you were a small child living in an orphanage. A child who remembers what it is like to have to beg for food, a child who remembers what it is like to sleep on the street, a child who is thankful for a dry place to live and food to eat - would you "tell" on your abusers if you thought you'd have to go back to the life you had before you came to the care-center?

I understand cultural differences. I understand that parents in Ethiopia use a more physical method of disciplining their children but I also understand that the nannies at the agency's care-center are paid employees of the agency and thus, cultural believes don't apply. They need to be trained in appropriate behavior management techniques, they need to understand that they are working for parents who have a level of expectation that they MUST live up to.

Having specific nannies named as the perpetrators of the various abuses, you'd think they would have been replaced. Again, that is not the case. According to the recent traveling groups, these nannies are still there, still caring for these vulnerable children.

My daughter cries herself to sleep EVERY night. She cries for the children she left behind and she cries for what she knows they are going through. That is a burden that no 8-year-old should have to carry.

My goal in sharing this information is education. If you have adopted an older children through IAG I welcome you to share what you know about your child's experiences during the time they were at the care center. My belief is the more of us who come forward the more likely this issue is to be revisited. My end goal is nothing more than ensuring the children at the care center are safe.

For my next act...

2010-02-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

The following post was written yesterday, February 2nd 2010. I chose to remove it for the day in an effort to let Jim Harding address the situation and fill-me-in on the questions and misgivings I have.

His response was (paraphrased)

This is not an operational business and may never be.
"International adoption is going away" (ok, that's a quote)

I do have some personal reservations about the relationship between Jim Harding and Mary Mooney (the founders/directors of WPA and IAG respectively) - which I won't get into at THIS time but do plan to address in the future.

I planned to stick completely to my problem with mixing the old and the new. Mixing IAG (international adoption) with this new Surrogacy venture in Guatamala.

I believe that a person who stands as an advocate to orphans can't also go on record (and let's face it, if you post it on the internet, it's "on" record) saying that the plight of the orphan is just not as dire as it was in years past.

I had 34 phone calls last night from women wanting to share their stories of working with Jim and how I was certainly not alone in my feelings regarding him and the agency (I do direct some of my "feelings" toward the agency as a whole since they obviously support his behaviors). I had people asking me where they could lodge their complaints (i know now and am in the process of forwarding that information to all who inquired). It was completely overwhelming and when I finally turned my phone's ringer off at midnight I fell into bed and prayed for sleep. What I got instead was a quiet reassurance that speaking out about the wrongs that you see IS the right thing to do.

I will NOT say anything that is untrue. When I speak about MY feelings I will indicate such so that you may know they are not facts but are simply my feelings and perspectives.

I will not use this forum (as of now) as a place to air my grievances with our personal adoption story. I will share it with anyone who asks - but I won't share it publicly, here.

I intended not to take the time this morning to address anything in the post below but let's face it - I just don't have the will-power.

*********WARNING****************

The following comment is NOT a fact. It is nothing more than MY opinion based on the information I gathered from the surrogacy website.

I was chatting with a friend last night and we were discussing how one can work in adoption and surrogacy. How a person could "fight the good fight" for the orphans and then, publicly declare that the need for adoptive families is no longer there. THAT is the sticking point for me. Many of you know that we had to use fertility treatments to bring our daughter Grace into the world. I am NOT anti-reproduction assistance. Having said that, I am not "IN" the adoption industry. I'm not trying to butter both sides of my bread.

I kept getting stuck on the thought that you just can't, in good conscience, have both of those feelings.

You can't work for the orphans and adoptive families AND believe that there isn't a HUGE need for MORE adoptive families to keep adopting these children who NEED families. You can't work for the adoptive families AND believe there isn't a need for them.

The friend I was on the phone with set me straight. She said, "Sure you can Christall. You can if the only thing you care about is the $"

************************************************************************************
(this begins the post from yesterday)

This information was taken from the website of a new business started by the director of our adoption agency. I can't put into words how I feel about the statements that are made below.

I've highlighted my "favorites" in red and plan to come back when I have more time and address each of them.

I am quite thankful that there is an agency in Ethiopia that is now checking into the goings on of this agency (as a result of several families sharing their experiences with Jim and their concerns for the children in their care with this group) in particular since he took over the directorship. (fyi: this is still happening) I know several families that are looking into their childs history before they were adopted and are finding information that is quite alarming.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking with 5 women - all past and present IAG customers who have or have had serious issues not with the agency, but with Mr. Harding.

I've lost count of the number of people I've been in contact with (through email groups, websites, blogs, Ethiopian adoption forums, in my small town) that have had to experience the "wrath" of Mr. Harding.

Don't get me wrong - when things are going right he's fine to work with (so I've heard from a very small number of people) but the minute there is an *issue* or a snag - WATCH OUT!

IAG was a stellar agency. I was THRILLED when we started our adoption to be working with an agency with such a good reputation. That happiness was quickly eroded when the merge between IAG and WPA occured and the staff that I was working with was changed. Downhill fast isn't even close to an accurate description.

According to the information on the website (which lists ALL of IAG's (formerly WPA) staff as the staff of this new surrogacy program) of his new venture Mr. Harding would have us believe that International Adoption just isn't as "necessary" now as it was in the past. Perhaps he's traveled to a different Ethiopia than I did.

The Ethiopia I traveled to has more orphanages than I could even count. I was lucky enough to be able to volunteer my time at 6 of those orphanages.

Just as a point of information, I was not allowed (and I'm finding others have been told the same thing) to "help" in our care centers. I was ONLY allowed to go there when the other families were there. This always raised a red flag and continues to concern me as Ava is more and more vocal about what happens at the care-center.

When helping at these other care-centers/orpanages (holding babies, washing clothes, cleaning... we did anything and everything - including playing soccer with the kids - my absolute FAVORITE part of my trip!) EACH OF THEM expressed concern at the sheer volume of children they have in their care now, compared to 1, 2, even 3-5 years ago. I guess when 6000 children lose one (or their 2nd) parent each day in Ethiopia it only makes sense that the number of orphans is RISING, certainly not decreasing.

The thing that breaks my heart is that people are going to believe this man.

I've been there. I've been at the doctors office, clutching hands with my husband, praying for a miracle and hearing that doctor tell us we wouldn't be able to have children. I've been the woman writing the checks for thousands of dollars. I've been the woman so desperate for a child that I would have done just about anything. I've been the woman who might fall for the lies that Mr. Harding is spewing in an effort to get people to sign on to this new venture of his.

TAKEN FROM MR. HARDINGS SURROGACY PARTNERS WEBSITE

Many couples and single parents first thoughts are towards adoption.

Thinking . . . Why bring another child into the world when there are so many in need of a family?
While that was once the case, there is no longer the great need there once was and it is no longer an easy road. At the height of international adoptions in 2004, 22,884 children came to the US via international adoption from one of approximately 20 countries. By 2008 that number had dropped to 17,438 and is expected to decline by 50% more in the next 2-3 years. Why? The simple fact is many countries are doing a much better job of caring for their orphan children, by increasing domestic programs, providing financial support to families so they are able to keep their child, allowing birth mothers to visit and care for their child in the orphanage and take them home when they are able. The other and more concerning reason is that countries see adoption of their children as a national shame. They see their future presidents and senators leaving the country and have put up as many roadblocks as possible to prevent adoption from happening. It will only get worse, it will never get better.

International adoption is not only expensive it involves long stays in country as well. International adoption in Kazakhstan and Russia these days will exceed $50,000 in overall cost, involve a small mountain of paperwork taking months to compile, and require living in the country for a minimum of six weeks, even longer. While many can afford the overall cost, few can leave their jobs for that long of a time period. For single parents the options in international adoption are almost gone and there are no options at all for gay couples.
Domestic adoption options are not much better these days as fewer and fewer birth moms are giving up their child and worse, the majority of them are “open adoptions” Meaning the birth mother will always be a part of your child’s life . . . like it or not. That is if you are lucky enough to be chosen by a birth mom looking for a family for her child. For single parents, domestic adoption is difficult at best and many couples wait two, three even four years only to be told, sorry we just can’t find a birth mom that will choose you.
This leaves many fearing they will never be a parent; they will never fulfill their life’s dream to raise a child. They explore various web sites, they talk with people, they do their research, growing more frustrated by the day when they cannot locate a program that is right for them.
What is the answer? Where can a childless couple or single person turn? Surrogacy.

http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/41996

http://www.surrogacypartners.com/news.html

Seems a lot like having your cake and eating it too... Telling the adoptive families that he is working hard for them - and in the same breath spouting about how adoption is no longer necessary.

(it's christall again)... just some food for thought.

Just like a magician I am...

2010-02-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of giving people a chance - I have removed my previous post about the director of our agency and am awaiting his explanation regarding my concerns for his new business venture.

I'll let you know what I hear.

Letting it all hang out...

2010-01-31T11:44:00.000-08:00

Parenting an adopted child (especially an older adopted child) IS different than parenting a biological child. I have often felt like I am a leper in a community of sainted adoptive parents because I just couldn't manage to parent the girls the same way. What worked for one didn't work for the other... Much like parenting a baby is different than parenting a teen-ager. Ava is my baby and Grace is my *teen-ager*... When I raise my voice at Grace (I know, you can't hardly believe I'd ever do that) she KNOWS without a doubt that I still love her - that she's still part of our family - that she's STAYING... and it works. I can say her name in *that* mom way and she knows instantly that she better get back in line. With Ava, that's not possible. If I raise my voice at her (again, *if* - I would never resort to that kind of parenting... (ha!)) she really believes she'll be on the next plane back to Ethiopia but for the past 4 months I've been killing myself to make things "fair" for both girls. After a long conversation with one of my dearest (and farthest away) friends (also adopted a girl at the same time we adopted Ava) I realized that my job is not to provide FAIR for either girl.

It's not fair that Ava had a hard life before she came into our family. It's not fair that she has a disease she'll have to deal with for the rest of her life. It's not fair she had to bury her parents.

It. is. NOT. FAIR...

It's also not fair that Grace woke up one morning with her entire world turned upside down. It's not fair that the mother who gave her 100% of her attention is now divided and often times unavailable because she's dealing with her new sisters issues. It's not fair that we expect A LOT more out of her just because she's who she is... and I know she can handle it (just don't know for how long.)

None of that is fair. Not one single bit.

But I learned in talking with Sarah that it is ok. It's ok to have rules for Ava and different rules for Grace. I am 100% confident that Grace can run to another aisle in the supermarket to get something I need - I know she'll go and come back. I have NO idea if Ava would come back.
That is but one (not so great) example - but it happens in our house every day...

And it always leads to frustration.

Ava is frustrated because she's not allowed to do something.
Grace is frustrated because she's always done something but might not be allowed to do it anymore because it's easier to say no to Grace than to deal with the fall-out of Ava.
Mom is frustrated because she sometimes wonders how this could possibly be this hard.

Grace has no pants that fit her. She has a few pair she can wear - but lets face it... they don't fit. She's needed jeans for a while and it's just a pain to shop for her. She has the sweetest short little legs and don't really match her body - so it's always a challenge to find pants that fit and it always means a trip to the tailor or pulling out the sewing machine...

This morning (after missing church yet again... which is another story for another time) I decided that Grace NEEDS clothes and she needs them now.

I'll preface all of this by saying that Ava has been blessed beyond words by a friend of ours (love you Sherri). Sherri has sent all of her girls hand-me-down clothes to Ava. I'm certain that Ava has more clothes than the other 3 of us combined! But when I told the girls we were making a trip to Target I wasn't prepared for what happened.

Me: Girls. We need to make a trip to Target today. If you want to spend your gift cards from Christmas make sure to put them in your bags.

Grace: Why are we going to Target mom?

Me: Pants. We need to get rid of all your small pants and get some that fit.

Ava: Pants me too?

Me: Not today Ava - when you need pants mom and dad will get you some.

Ava: I have no pants mom

Me: Ava you have many pants. Let's go see how many you have. (opening a drawer FULL of jeans and pants). See Ava, you have 14 pairs of jeans. Then you have 5 pair of leggings and a pair of overalls.

Ava: Me no like

Me: I'm sorry. When you need pants mommy and daddy will happily buy you some. Grace doesn't have even ONE pair of pants that fit her.

Ava: Me no pants.

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way Ava

Ava: You no love me. Only Grace. Grace everything Ava nothing. (you don't love me, you only love Grace. Grace gets everything she wants - Ava gets nothing.)

I have to walk away for a minute when she does this (often). I can't count the number of times Grace has had to stand back and watch people fall over Ava. Giving her things. Talking about her.

Grace has become invisible (her words - not mine)

So if she needs pants, darn it, I'm going to buy them.

I know that an 8 year old can't *see* that - and i know that it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme... but it is getting to be a challenge to deal with.

I know she's going to have a MASSIVE melt-down in the store but I also know she couldn't handle staying with Jason for the time I was gone (she still has a tough time being away from me when I'm in the bathroom).

Grace needs pants - or the next time you see her she may very well be naked!

I also can't buy something for Ava every time Grace gets something - that's a trend I have no desire to start. I don't buy Grace something every time Ava gets something - and it isn't as if Grace doesn't feel sad when Ava gets things and she doesn't.

I know it's normal. I know it's part of the process. But I'm starting to feel a little crazy.

Any suggestions?

Do you want your usual?

2010-01-20T23:08:00.001-08:00

When you're at your favorite restaurant this is a nice thing to hear. If you're at Starbucks and the barista asks you this - it might make you feel just a little bit special.

If you are at the Emergency Room at Children's Hospital - trust me, this is just about the last thing you want to hear when you walk through the door!

Ava's ears are once again misbehaving. The serious infection that looked as if it had cleared up has come back with a vengence. The hole that was in her eardrum now encompasses the entire eardrum. The doctor said he hasn't seen a child with as much damage to the eardrum who still seems relatively happy and not in pain. You'd not know from looking at her that she hurts - but if you ask her she'll tell you, "no baby hurt - big hurt." Yet she's playing, running, smiling...

This speaks volumes to what our kids had to endure in Ethiopia. My daughter's eardrum has literally been eroded by bacteria over the last few weeks. A process that has been described as immensely painful - and yet she's just kept on moving forward - I had NO idea how much pain she was experiencing. She's simply become so used to the pain that it isn't something she thinks about anymore. Sure it hurts - but it hurts every day so she just doesn't even acknowledge it.

We spent today in the ER and we'll go back down tomorrow to deal with the infection and to decide how soon she'll need the surgery to repair (or more accurately reconstruct) the eardrum. It seems the doctors aren't very confident that she'll ever regain any hearing in that ear - but I've not really seen that the hearing loss (complete hearing loss in the left ear) has inhibited her in any way - so that's the least of my worries.

If you wouldn't mind praying for my sweet girl - both of them in fact. Grace doesn't like going to the hospital (she's been nervous around them since that whole bacterial meningitis thing) :) and I'd prefer her not to be around all of those sick people. On the other hand she really does miss being with Ava when they are apart. It also makes school a bit of a challenge - she is either at the shop with Jason or with my mom and either way, she's left on her own for school. Not really the ideal school day but I guess one of the things I like about homeschooling is the flexibility and ability to take time off or make time up with things happen. (working on not feeling guilty about this!)

I'll keep you posted...

Sometimes inspiration strikes...

2010-01-02T13:25:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine, Jillian at Rooted in love..., wrote a post yesterday titled, "Aren't we all butterflies?"

She and I have had some similiar experiences with our children and it has been comforting to me to know that when I am having "one of those" experiences (or days...) that often times she's been there and we can email back and forth and I'm able to better deal with the issue or myself or whatever needs to be dealt with.

Now, back to the butterflies... Her post ended with the comment, "I have to believe that in the end we all have a chance to morph into something beautiful" (along with a BEAUTIFUL photo of her two sweet daughters/butterflies!)

I got to thinking about the experience Grace and I had last year with our butterfly farm. I was under the impression that the caterpillar ate a lot, made the chrysalis, did some changing inside of it, and then emerged as this beautiful butterfly that would flit away dancing on the breeze.

That is SO not how it happens...

There is blood (ok, more similiar to meconium - but it's red and looks bloody and stains whatever it touches), there is pain, there is A LOT of work that goes into changing from a caterpillar into a butterfly - and after reading Jillian's post I was amazed at the similarities between the metamorphosis of a butterfly and the metamorphosis that our adopted children have to go through.

Caterpillars spend most of their lives eating whatever happens to be underfoot. When it comes time for them to begin their change they often wander away from whatever food they have been consuming and find a safe place. Our children have left their homeland, their culture, language, and in some cases their family. It might not seem like it at first, but they walked away and found their safe place.

A caterpillar (this varies by species) will attach itself to a twig or a branch by its cremaster. The caterpillar twists and wiggles and pushes this cremaster into the silk attached to the branch in order to make a firm connection that will last until the transformation is complete. Our children have to go through the same push/pull/give/take in order to facilitate attaching to us, their parents.

There are as many different styles of chrysalides as there are caterpillars. Some look fragile and seem as though they might break in a gentle wind. Others are brown and hard and not very pretty to look at. Each of these chrysalides is designed to protect the growing life inside of it.

Inside the chrysalide the caterpillar is undergoing changes that I can hardly comprehend. For the most part, during metamorphosis, every system of the caterpillar breaks down into undifferentiated cells - much like our stem cells that can be used to make any kind of cell. These undifferentiated cells then put themselves back together in their new shape. This is not a process that is entirely devoid of pain for the caterpillar. Their entire being, the only way they had ever lived is destroyed. In essense the caterpillar is dying and in doing so, he will have the ability to be reborn. This amazing transformation is happening inside this tiny little chrysalide, building and breaking down, dying and being reborn. This is the process that our adopted children go through every day. We aren't asking them to let their previous life "die" - but we are trying to help them give birth to their new life. A life as a child, a life in a family, a life of safety and comfort and love. As is with the caterpillar, this transformation is not without pain.

The metamorphosis can take anywhere from days to months - our children also move through their transformation at their own pace. It is known that butterflies are able to remember things that they learned before their metamorphosis. Our children will never forget the pain and tragedy of their lives before adoption. It will continue to color who they are - but as the butterfly does, so will our children learn to live with these memories.

When the butterfly emerges from the chrysalide it does not immediately fly away. The process of being "born" is a long and difficult one. The butterfly has to make its way out of the chrysalis. They have to sort of "break-out" of the shell and it is HARD work. When Grace and I had our butterfly farm we watched in awe as the first butterfly made the first little tear in the chrysalis. It took hours for her to emerge fully and when she did she was NOT the beautiful, graceful creature I was expecting. Her wings were fragile and wet and transparent. I thought she was dying and could see immediately how vulnerable she was. A quick visit to google and we learned this was indeed how she should look (a big relief) but that she also had a lot more hard work ahead of her.

When butterflies emerge from the chrysalis they have to work so hard to get their blood pumping through the veins in their wings (it's not actually "blood" like we have - but it is red and looks bloody and stains so I'm going to stick with calling it blood!). If this doesn't happen rather quickly their wings will always be wrinkled and they will never be able to fly or function as we think of butterflies. It takes an enormous amount of work for this weak insect to flap the heavy, wet wings and force the fluid to flow into the outermost parts and in essense, to inflate their wings. During this time the butterfly also has to express a fluid called meconium from its body. This is a collection of waste produced during the metamorphosis. The meconium is literally forced out through the skin of the butterfly's body. Again, a process that has been found to cause pain in the butterfly - but if it is not done, the beautiful insect has no hope of survival. This meconium is a bright red, blood-like substance. It drips from the body staining everything the butterfly touches.

I think of the metamorphosis of our children. The fact that they have to work SO hard at accepting love and letting us parent them. They have to forget and relearn how to be a child. They have to push out all of the negative, all of the hard, all of the pain. They have to take it all in (their time growing up in their country of birth) and when they are home, with their forever families they have to push that waste - push that substance out through their bodies. There WILL be staining. There will be pain. There will be blood and tears and sleepless nights. But when our children have their blood pumping through their wings - My goodness won't that be an amazing sight? When they have come to the last stages of the metamorphosis - we can all stand back and breath a sigh of relief as we watch them prepare for their first flight as a butterfly...

If we made any attempt at helping the butterfly emerge from its chrysalis - if we were to peel away the hard outer shell rather than letting the butterfly struggle through it, he would die. It is in the work of breaking out of that shell that the butterfly gains enough strength to rid itself of the excess fluid and to push its blood into its wings. What would be done to help quicken the process and avoid the pain of hard work would in the end cause the creature to die. Our children must go through a similiar process. Though it is hard to watch them struggle and hurt - they must. We, as adoptive parents, have to sit back and observe this part of the journey. We can cheer them on, pray for them, love them - but we absolutely can't do it for them.

In the end - the pain and work and waiting, is a small price to pay for the beauty and grandeur of the butterfly taking its first flight. The beauty of our children living happy, healthy, "normal" lives... all of the work we do now, all of the pain and sorrow that we experience, all of the *stuff* - it's worth every bit of it.

Check out the rest of this story at rooted in love - I'm sure you'll never look at a butterfly, or our kids, the same way!

Looking back (and then ahead)...

2010-01-01T15:26:00.001-08:00

If I had to choose a word to describe the past year it would be, roller-coaster. I couldn't find a definative answer on whether that was two distinct words or if it was more correctly one hyphenated word so I'm going to stick with it and have it as my "define my year in one word" choice.

In 2009 we had some very LOW lows and obviously some of the highest highs. One of those "highs" is sweetly slumbering in her bed right now while the other is off helping dad attack the "to-do" list. We were so blessed to see 2009 as the year we brought a new member into our family. Safe to say we'd all agree that was *the* highlight of the year. I'm sure you're asking yourself what some of the others were...

Here's a (short)list

Favorite book (parenting/adoption): Attaching in Adoption. This book has become a bit of a bible for me and I have it with me wherever I go. There is a copy in my bedroom, one in the car, and one that I toss around the rest of the house depending on what I'm doing. I am certain I would have lost my mind by now if it weren't for this book. If you have or are going to adopt then this book should be #1 on your list.

Favorite book (non-parenting/adoption): The Lovely bones. I love Alice Sebold. Her personal story is truly heart-breaking and her memoir Lucky is a "must-read".

Favorite book (non-fiction): There is no me without you by: Melissa Fay Greene. Having had the opportunity to travel to the location in Ethiopia where Haregewoin Teferra started her work and then also visiting the place where her life ended brought her story to life for me. This book will forever be one of the most influential pieces of literature I've read. Haregewoin was a woman who literally laughed in the face of conventional wisdom and followed her heart - I don't think there will ever be an exact count of the number of children she rescued and cared for - but the impact that she had on the world is overwhelmingly incomprehensible. She loved the children in Ethiopia who were unloveable, untouchable, and most in need of a woman like Haregewoin.

Favorite meal I've made in the kitchen: Doro Wot that passed the test of my picky Ethiopian daughter - I've heard it's one of the harder Ethiopian dishes to make well, so I was very pleased when she said it was "oh-licious"

Favorite moment: Meeting Ava. There were no bells or whistles, it was just a mom and her little girl. Overwhelming, amazing, and very cool!

Not so favorite moment: Finding out what some of the food was that I ate in Ethiopia... (don't ask, I've pushed that traumatic memory out of my mind!)

Favorite mindless TV show: Numb3rs (very nice eye-candy!)

Favorite movie: The Blindside

Favorite subject to teach: Reading to Ava and Language/grammar to Grace.

Least favorite subject to teach: Math to both girls - Ava's because it is the hardest to understand without a common language and Grace because she's already doing math that is confusing to me!

Best finished knitting project: Pink fair-isle sweater for Grace

Best unfinished knitting project: :) My pink and brown socks - I'm certain I'll finish them at this years CTK Women's retreat (I started them 2 years ago at the retreat, finished one sock and started the 2nd at last years - so maybe this year they'll be done).

Ok - that was a totally random list of completely unrelated and unimportant things...

Things I wish I would have finished before the clock struck midnight...

Painting the kitchen cabinets (this week... it has to be done THIS WEEK). Reorganizing my scrapbook space. With 2 little girls I really need to have a place where we can all go to be creative (or I can go to hide from them). Made my health a priority rather than an excuse. Told my husband and daughters "I love you" more often. Trained myself to go to the gym regardless of whether I want to or not. Finish painting our bedroom.

Things I plan on tackling in 2010...

Finishing the photography study I started. My pictures are definately coming a long way (I'm very pleased with some of the shots I got in Ethiopia). I'd like to invest more time and energy in making connections with other Ethiopians/Eritreans for Ava - along the same lines, I'd really like to learn/improve my Tigrinya. I have a meeting (phone) with an editor next week and I'd like to start and finish the 1st book by the end of the year. We'll see what his timeline/expectations are. I also need to finish an adoption class I'm developing for a really great website/organization... I have many ideas and plans on improving the way I teach the girls as well as the things they are learning. Ava is catching up quickly and I think both she and Grace are up for the increased challenge (lets pray that *I* am up for the challenge).

Of course there are a million other things I'd like to do - but these are the items that are on my long-term to-do list (I use that to make my short-term/daily to-do list... just a way I keep myself organized an on track and getting things done).

What are your plans for the new year? What happened last year that you are particularly proud of or wished you could just forget about :)

Here's to 2010.

9 years ago...

2009-12-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

our world was changed in ways we couldn't even comprehend.

Our sweet little person was preparing to be born. We weren't ready, she wasn't quite ready, but the doctors outnumbered us and decided ready or not a baby was coming.

At 2:32 on Wednesday, December 20th, 2000 our little girl was born.

In the past 9 years she's grown more than I could have ever imagine. There are so many things I could say about the little girl she's become but I'll choose just one. It's one I think sums up so much of who she is and who we've tried to raise her to become.

There is a homeless man in Oak Harbor who often sits at the exit to the parking lot at Safeway or Walmart. Grace always asks me to buy an extra piece of fruit or something that we can give him on our way out. The other day when we were at Wal-Mart to pick up a few things for her birthday party she asked if she could buy something with her money. We didn't have much time that day so I told her she couldn't buy any toys (or anything that required a lot of looking or deciding time). She assured me she knew exactly what she wanted.

On our way to the check-out we stopped in the personal care aisles and she picked up a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a small hairbrush, a bar of soap, and some deodorant. She asked if she could also get some granola bars and water. She paid for her purchases herself and spent every last bit of her money that she had been saving.

When we got in the car she asked if I could stop the car at the corner so she could get out to give it to the man instead of just handing it out the window like we normally do (there are always cars behind us). I told her that would be fine...

When we came up to where he was standing Grace got out of the car, took the bag to him, wished him a Merry Christmas and said, "God Bless You."

Really? This is my daughter? How in the world did we end up with such a beautiful, lovely little girl?

That sums up the last 9 years (ok, not really - but I think it says a lot). It's been a crazy, tear-filled, happy, fun, hard, challenging, amazing 9 years and I can't wait to see what is in store for all of us over the next 9 years!!!

I love you Grace - Happy Birthday!

What does it mean to be a "good dad"

2009-12-16T17:07:00.001-08:00

I was thinking about that the other day. I grew up for most of my childhood not having a "dad" - it wasn't until I was in high school and my mom met Mike that I had a taste of what it was like to have a father. We'd both be quick to point out that it wasn't all sunshine and roses - but I also think that we're both better people for the experiences we had.

So really I don't have a point of reference for what it means to an 8-year-old girl to have a good dad.

In real investigative reporting fashion I went to my two little test subjects and asked them what it means to them to have a good dad.

Grace's response: I don't have a good dad.

(uh oh - I wasn't prepared for that one)

"I have a great day!!!" (ok, saved by the sweet 8-year-old jokester)

Both girls LOVE their dad. They love that he really gets down and plays with them. He lets them, actually encourages them to do things that mom would never EVER let them do...

He lets them swing crazy high (I just have horrible visions of falling children and stitches and ER visits).

He lets them climb UP our swingset... Not in the designated climbing areas, but anyway they can get to the top (I would prefer they put on a harness and climb no higher than my knees - and of course, only in the areas that are meant for climbing)

He takes them to run RC cars

He lets them run around the shop and ride bikes and jump rope and roller blade (remember the broken arm incident of 2006?)whenever I need a break. They love the freedom, he likes having them around, and I love that they get to see how hard their dad works.

He lets them fix his hair - rubberbands and cornrows and brushes - I won't let them near my hair with a brush...

He talks to them, he laughs with them, he loves them in a way that is so obvious and so appearant to anyone who sees them together.

There is nobody - not a single person anywhere - who is a better dad to these 2 little girls. Really, I can't even imagine us being a parent to a little boy. Not that there is anything wrong with little boys (I could squeeze that sweet baby Killian for days!!!) but I just can't see it. I can however see Jason being a dad to a whole herd of little girls.

I love that he brings them to wherever he is. He doesn't dumb down what he's doing for their sake. If he's working on a car he is teaching them about what he's doing - but he's so gifted at it that they don't even know they are learning - they're just hanging out with dad.

He expects them to work hard, respect their mom, and enjoy their lives. He's not perfect (again with the socks on the bathroom floor...) but he is an amazing father.

I often watch him with the girls and wonder what my life could have been like if I had the experiences that my daughters get to have with their dad... Who knows? I don't think it would have been any better - different, yes... Better, not likely...

I also wonder if my girls understand just how lucky they are... Do they take for granted the gift they have in their father? I know they love him and they are to-the-moon thrilled when he comes home but do they understand how blessed they have been?

They have a father with patience beyond imagining - a father who loves with everything he has - a father who is their biggest fan no matter what...

I know how blessed I was to marry him :)

He let Ava cut down our Christmas tree. He explained to her how to do it and stood back and cheered her on. She cut the whole thing, except for the last 1/2 inch or so - her little arms just couldn't do it any longer - but she did drag that tree the ENTIRE way to where they shake/net the tree.

The girls were disappointed that we weren't coming straight home to put up and decorate the tree after cutting it down so Jason thought that S'mores in the front yard were a good idea. It didn't matter to him that it was cold and raining - he sat out there and enjoyed hanging out with the girls - helping Ava to make her first roasted marshmallow (marshallum) and then her first S'more. He was soaked, he was frozen, and he was thrilled to share that time with his girls.

Ava's first taste of S'mores

My camera battery was dying and Grace finished her S'more before I could get a picture of her enjoying it - but she's so darn cute that I had to post her picture as well. Does she look like Jason, or what?

I wanted to post many of the things that have been swilling around in my brain but for the past 2 days both girls haven't been feeling well :( So there have been lots of hugs and snuggles and naps - and not a lot of time for the computer - but that is OK!

Coming up for air...

2009-12-12T23:19:00.001-08:00

Once again I'm here apologizing for not keeping current with the blogging! I have had 38 emails asking if I was ok. On one hand that is so flattering that people are actually interested in what I have to say. On the other hand it's SO embarassing because I can't seem to keep up...

There will be nothing profound in this post - just getting the news out there that we are all alive and kicking and working through normal mom/kid/adoption/life stuff.

A quick update

Decided to pursue the idea of writing a book (actually, two). I have a phone meeting after Christmas with someone in the publishing industry to chat about the direction I'd like to go. This is really exciting for me, but has to be pushed to the back burner until after the Holidays.

Grace is turning 9 in just a few days (the 20th). I can't even comprehend how she managed to accomplish that in the 3 days since she was born :) because there is simply NO way 9 years have passed since the moment we first laid eyes on her. No. stinking. way.

Ava is a beautiful, smart, funny little girl. We're working hard on helping her discover what being a little girl is all about. It's hard work to have to teach someone to hand over the parenting reins. To teach a person about letting go and being ok and being a kid. My heart truly breaks for her every day but I am SO proud of the progress we have all made. There are times when I catch glimpses of a happy, healthy 8-year-old little girl... Those are the moments I live for.

We still haven't managed to get a tree or decorate for Christmas. There are many reasons for this - and truthfully, if we didn't get a tree at all, I'd be ok. However I know the girls really want a tree so we'll do it for them. It's so easy to overwhelm Ava and so hard to recover from that... I worry about the tree/decorations/gifts - I worry that she'll be on overdrive until everything is taken down and put away - but I can't decide if that is a good enough reason to not decorate at all... I think Grace would be so sad - and really, she's had to miss out/give up/be patient on so many other things that I don't think I can take this away from her even if it means A LOT more work for me...

I wonder if that makes me a good mom or a bad mom? Or maybe just a mom who has one heart that is so often pulled and pushed and torn in so many different directions that I just have to pick which issues are worth cleaning up the fall-out for.

I have SO many things to talk about - and I have a pretty good schedule next week so my goal is to address one topic each day until Grace's birthday so keep checking in.

Thanks for reading and for worrying when I drop off the radar for a while. It really means a lot to me.

The gift of a sister...

2009-11-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

We adopted for approximately a million different reasons (give or take a few). Jason and I were perfectly happy having 1 child (society thinks otherwise - as if it's a crime to have an only child). Grace is relatively smart, happy, well-adjusted, respectful, spirited and well - we just had a pretty good thing going, the 3 of us.

We adopted our sweet Ava because it was exactly what we were called to do. That is, first and foremost, the #1 reason. Had I not seen Ava's photo and heard very clearly that she WAS our daughter - there is no way on earth we would have pursued adoption AT THIS POINT IN OUR LIFE. Mind you, Jason and I knew we'd always adopt - but we had "a plan" (insert a laughing God...)and our plan wasn't to adopt when we did.

Had it just been me that felt pulled to bring Ava home, we may still have chosen not to pursue adopting her - but it was very clear to the 3 of us that we were absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, being told to adopt this little girl.

The other reason we wanted to adopt is because I wanted Grace to have a sibling. She was pretty clear she wanted a sister and since we live in a postage-stamp sized house, that was the easiest thing to do logistically... but our goal was to have a sibling for Grace.

We wanted to do something good. As followers of Christ we have no question that our "job" is to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27) I won't proclaim in any way to be perfect, or to even be good most of the time. I am a sinner. Some days I feel like my photo would be what you'd see if you looked up sinner in the dictionary - but I also live every single day doing the very best that I can for my Father. Bringing home a child who would otherwise have died in Ethiopia was only a minute part of the picture, praying with the people I encountered in Ethiopia was again, only a small part of what I'm called to do. Every day that I love my daughter - I am loving Christ. Every day that I teach her about Jesus and his love for her, I am telling my father how much I love him. Again, a small part - but as a Christian I feel like it's a small part of a pretty big assignment that a lot of Christians let fall by the wayside...

Ok - totally got side-tracked...

This post is supposed to be about the gift we gave to Grace and Ava when we chose to make them sisters!

The relationship they have after only 2 months is incredible. Ava isn't comfortable if Grace is too far away from her for any period of time. If Grace is outside, Ava is outside. If Grace is in the bathroom, Ava is hanging around outside of the door. They fight like they've been siblings for all of their 8 years, but they also love each other and already feel a strong sense of protectiveness for the other.

When they fight/argue/bicker/pick-on - I make them stop whatever it is that they are doing and hug. Not only do they have to hug, they have to say, "I'm so blessed to have you as my sister." But folks, it doesn't stop there! They have to say it in English and then in Tigrinya (Ava's 1st language).

Each and every time, the fighting is forgotten about and the girls end up rolling around on the floor laughing and playing and saying I love you...

Having a sister means having someone to fight with, make-up with, fight for, love, clean with, make messes with, cry to, cry over, cry for. It means having a best friend and a confidante and also means having someone that knows just how to push your buttons. It means having someone to giggle with at midnight and someone to drag you out of bed at 6am on Christmas morning. It means having someone else to think about, someone else to worry about, someone else to share your *stuff* with.

It means so much more than that short little list. It means learning about life and love and compassion and generousity.

I truly believe that the lessons she'll learn from having sister are lessons that Jason and I could never have taught her.
So today, on this rainy Sunday in November - the gift of a sister means, someone to share the load with...

Skin deep...

2009-11-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago the 4 of us went to Applebee's for dinner. While we were eating a large group of African-Americans came in and sat at the booth behind us. Ava spent a good 5 minutes just watching them. I love that she's so observant and I always wonder what she's thinking... So this time I just asked her.

She leaned in and whispered, "Ethiopia, mama?" (She wanted to know if they were from Ethiopia).

I told her no, they likely were born in the United States.

"Brown skin?"

I told her that people with brown skin could be born anywhere. They could be born in Ethiopia or America or Spain or India...

That seemed to make sense to her.

"Why Grace have pink skin?"

Grace has pink skin because mommy and daddy have pink skin. You get your skin color from your first mommy and daddy. Your Ethiopia mommy/daddy had brown skin so Ava has brown skin. Grace's mommy and daddy have pink skin so Grace has pink skin.

"But you don't have pink skin mommy"

(bracing myself for goodness knows what she's thinking)

What color skin do I have Ava?

(with a look that could have melted steel - and a little eye-roll thrown in for good measure)

"brown" (duh...)

I do?

"yes. Mommy and Ava have brown skin, daddy has white skin and Grace has pink skin"

Now, for those who know me, you know I'm just about as white/pale/ghostly as they come. I'll admit that I got a *little* sun when I was in Ethiopia - but nothing that would cause anyone to think I had brown skin.

We laughed about it - but it made me think about how she sees all of us.

She was adamant about the fact that my skin is brown - she wasn't "kidding" or joking around or being silly - she is 100% certain that my skin is brown.

I don't know why she thinks that our skin is the same and Jason/Grace's are different but it is very interesting...

Always something to think about...

Wow...

2009-11-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

My sweet little girl, home from Ethiopia for only 9 weeks, read her first 2 books today.

She came to American knowing only the names of the letters. She had no idea that letters had sounds or that there were lower case letters as well as capital letters (she knew the capital letters from her time in Addis).

We've been working every day on learing the sounds and today she picked up 2 of her BOB books and read both of them.

Amazing.

simply amazing.

She is so lucky...

2009-10-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

Our adoption agency has a yahoo email group where adoptive parents (regardless of where you are in the process) can chat about anything and everything related to Ethiopian adoption.

Today we were talking about some of the comments or questions that we've been on the receiving end of since bringing our kids home from Ethiopia. I am of the belief that *most* people who take the time to comment/ask about my daughter are doing so out of a genuine curiosity rather than a racial, judgemental or critical point-of-view. There have been a couple of times where I was offended by something that someone said or asked but I don't mind telling people to mind their own business if they are being intrusive (like the lady at Starbucks who told me she was sorry that I couldn't have children of my own... another story for another post!)

However, my "nails-on-a-chalkboard" comment is, "she is so lucky." I have heard this SO many times since we've been home. So many times that I can't even venture a guess at the number. I've heard it from the cashier at the store, people standing in line, friends, family, strangers, the Schwan guy...

"She's so lucky..."

So I put my "throw the ball back into their court" technique and asked the last person who said this to me, "Why do you think she's lucky?"

(fyi, it was the girl who checked us out at Island Pet Center today - and she asked where Ava was from because she thought she had an *accent*)

Petshop girl: "Well she was probably poor over there and now she's here and she has toys and a nice house and clothes"

Me: "Yes she was poor and she does have a house and clothes and toys now but in order to "get" those things she had to give up every single thing she ever knew. Her 4 living sisters and her brother. She had to watch her parents die. She left her country, her language, her very dearest friends and she was thrust into a family of strangers."

PG: "I never thought about that"

Me: "She isn't *lucky* but we are blessed to be able to be her family"

Why would someone think that a child, a little girl who until recently was an orphan, is lucky?

I found the definition of the word lucky

Main Entry: lucky
Pronunciation: \ˈlə-kē\
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): luck·i·er; luck·i·est
Date: 15th century
1 : having good luck
2 : happening by chance : fortuitous
3 : producing or resulting in good chance : favorable
4 : seeming to bring good luck

I think that being an 8-year-old orphan in a 3rd world country pretty much excludes you from the "having good luck" portion of the definition.

Happening by chance :) Nope.

Producing or resulting in good chance... a life long medical condition, not being able to be raised by her first parents, missing her sisters and brother so much she cries every night. Doesn't sound like "good chance" to me.

However - if you look at it from where Jason, Grace and I stand you can see how very blessed WE are to have her in our family.

Main Entry: bless·ed
Pronunciation: \ˈble-səd\
Variant(s): also blest \ˈblest\
Function: adjective
Date: before 12th century
1 a : held in reverence : venerated
b : honored in worship : hallowed
c : beatific <>

2 : of or enjoying happiness; specifically : enjoying the bliss of heaven —used as a title for a beatified person

3 : bringing pleasure, contentment, or good fortune

of or enjoying happiness, check!
bringing pleasure and contentment, check!

We get to see life through the eyes of a little girl who had absolutely nothing. A little girl who has seen things that we can't even imagine. A little girl who, at 8-years-old has to find her way in this new life that was given to her (even though she didn't ask for it).

No, she isn't lucky...

But we are thankful every second of every minute of every day that we were open to hearing what we were called to do and we are now soaking in that beautiful blessing...

Today, my heart is in Ethiopia...

2009-10-23T16:23:00.001-07:00

It's a rainy, gray day here in Oak Harbor. Looking out the window this morning I was taken back to my first week in Ethiopia - it was VERY rainy (Seattle has NOTHING on Ethiopia!) and dark and depressing.

Since I've come home from Ethiopia I've felt un-whole. Not empty, not depressed, but like I left a really important part of me there. Since I returned with my daughter (a very important part of me...) I've been trying to decide what this means.

The conclusion I've come to after 5 weeks of serious soul-searching....

My heart is there and is waiting for me to come back.

I have mentioned it before but for those who may have missed it, my trip to Ethiopia was hard. Not physically - but it was the most emotionally exhausting thing I have ever done. Every day I was there I felt my heart break a little more for the people, their country, the poverty that I was helpless to fix. At the time, I thought that coming home would lessen that pain but in reality it only served to make it harder and more difficult to deal with.

Why should I be able to eat (whatever I want) 3 times a day when just weeks ago I was talking and praying with people who would have to go a week without food or clean drinking water.

On the last day of my trip, September 11th, 2009 (the Ethiopia New Year) I went to the beautiful Bole Medhanialem Church

{This photo was taken on 9/10/09 during their New Year's Eve celebration}

{Elidah, me, and E's aunt Alonia}

I am so glad we went to this beautiful church.

In order to get to the church you have to walk through the big gates surrounded by men, women and children. The disabilities that some of them have are more heartbreaking than I thought I could stand.

Those of you who know us know that we don't have a ton of money, so it wasn't as if I had a lot to give while I was over there - but seeing how *much* I had (even when I had very little) it was so much more than any of these beautiful people had ever seen. There were men who were blind - you could see that they had no eyes - when I have him a few birr, he asked to PRAY FOR ME... I couldn't understand a word he said, but when he put his gnarled hand on my face and said "thank you" - I couldn't do anything except thank him...

When I was in Ethiopia I saw humanity and humility and beauty and peace and love. I was there among strangers, among people who had every right to hate me just because I am American - but I have never felt more love.

After leaving the blind man I walked a bit further to a group of very young girls. I'm guessing they were all younger than 13. They all lived together under a tarp outside of the church gates. If I had the option of taking each one of them home with me, I would have. In Ethiopia their future is bleak. Girls living on the streets are more often than not forced into the business of sex just to eat. One of the girls was so thin that I could see her ribs showing through her clothing. I asked them when they ate last and was pleased to hear that it has just been two days prior. Many of the others that I had spoken with had gone days without food. I gave the girls the bananas and crackers I had along with a few birr. Each of them hugged me, kissed me, and then they sat back down and devoured the food. I have never known what it is like to be so hungry.

In Ethiopia, I felt no shame walking down the street with tears streaming down my face (which is good because I was ALWAYS walking down the street crying).

After getting through the crowd I started walking down the path that takes you to the church. It's long path and there are several marked areas for praying (I think... I saw many people stopping, making the sign of the cross, and praying).

While I was walking and contemplating finally going home I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see a woman, likely in her 60's with a face like an angel. She held out her hand (the universal request for money or food) and I took a few birr out of my pocket and gave them to her. She tucked the money away and then began to unwrap her qemis (I *think* this is the right word... if I recall correctly, it's called a habesha qemis). I am not sure of all the customs of the Ethiopian church but I was pretty certain that "getting naked" wasn't on the list of "ok things to do" so I was getting a little nervous.

She gently pulled the cotton away from her chest and I could see a hole, the size of a softball in her breast where the skin, tissue and muscle had been eaten away by a tumor. It was bleeding and oozing and infected.

There was nothing, at that time and place, that I could do for her. I gave her the last few birr I had in my pocket (not even $5 usd but approx. 60birr). I helped her put her scarf back around her, I kissed both of her cheeks, and prayed for her. The medicine there is so far behind anything we've ever known. This woman didn't have enough to eat she certainly will never have enough to rid her body of that horrible affliction. And still, she left thanking me, blessing me... I left trying to convey how unworthy I was of her thanks and blessings.

These interactions took place every day. On the street while walking to the pharmacy. When we were out to get lunch, even if we just stepped outside of the guest house gates.

I don't have a word in my vocabulary to adequately convey the absolute depth of poverty these people are suffering through. Children that go days with no food. Sleeping on the streets in the bitter cold (and it is freezing there at night) under nothing but a plastic tarp. Watching the street police removing bodies from the green areas near the streets every morning - if I close my eyes I can still breath in the smell - part urine, part death...

This post is pretty random which, if you think about it, is exactly how my trip to Ethiopia was. I just sort of woke up one day and knew I needed to get over there. Threw some stuff in a bag and left. Why should my story be any different? Ethiopia has a part of me that I desperately need so I think I'm being called to figure out how to get back over there.

My first plan is to help this amazing lady work on her Almost homes/covenant villages. Who knows when I'll get back to Ethiopia - but I can help my daughter's country by working to make these almost homes a reality. I can help by making the covenant villages a place where children like my daughter can play and learn and grow and wait for their families.

After that, only God knows...

Mine.mine.mine.mine {Finding Nemo, anyone?}

2009-10-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ok.

Two girls, both 8. One has lived with me for all of those 8 years and the other is on the verge of living here for 5 whole weeks. We have experienced more in those 5 weeks than I ever thought possible. The whole spectrum of good, bad and ugly.

There is however, this one thing that my sweet girl Ava does that is really making me a little nutty. I guess on one hand it is good that there is only one thing... but on the other hand, I really should be more grown-up about the whole thing and just know how to deal with it.

What is this *thing* you ask?

Well, if she doesn't have exactly what Grace has - she is VERY unhappy {read: mad}

The other day she counted all of Grace's Webkinz and then came out to me, put her hand on her hip and asked where her 32 Webkinz were (ok - really, Grace bought most of them herself or received them as gifts - I in NO way (except for Christmas/birthday) took part in that obscene number). I tried to explain to her that Grace has been collecting them for a long time, that Grace paid for many of them herself, and that the rest were given as gifts.

My sweet, darling Ava looked at me as if I had just asked her to eat her own arm for breakfast. Let me tell you, Ethiopian girls have sass down to a science... She thrust out her hip and asked me again, in a much louder voice (as if that would make me understand how stupid and simple I was being) "Where Ava 32 stuffs. Grace 32, Ava 1. No."

Translation: Where the heck are my 32 Webkinz, mother?

Again I told her that just because Grace has something does not mean Ava needs to or even gets to have the same thing. And vice-versa... If Ava has something, Grace doesn't necessarily get one.

Can I just say that this explanation did nothing at all.

There are numerous times a day when Ava will come out and let me know that Grace has so many of this or that and where are Ava's.

Grace is content to share all of her things with Ava (with the exception of a select few "very special" things - but both girls have that option). She even gave her one of her beloved American girl dolls (which of course, made me cry... what a sweet girl). I'm not saying (AT ALL) that Grace is perfect or always behaving in a way that I'm proud of - but she is really trying... and she's not getting much thanks in return. Grace decided on her own to give Ava one of her American girl dolls. I was sitting at the kitchen table doing some paperwork and half listening to them talking. Grace told Ava that she wanted her to have the Kirsten doll. Ava took the doll and said, "you have 5 dolls me only 1. Me want more."

Enter Grace, in tears, and not really wanting to have anything to do with this whole sister bit.

At the orphanage she gave away all of her things that we had sent her. The dolls, the clothes, the toys, literally everything.

She came home and has toys of her own, clothes of her own, things that are hers... but it feels like it's just not good enough for her. She certainly has things that Grace doesn't have. She has (new) toys that Grace has no interest in - she has toys that were given to her that Grace no longer plays with... she has things that are just hers - so I wonder why she feels the need to point out the differences, and then demand rectification.

Do you think she sees this as an injustice? That we love her less?

FYI - I'm not considering "giving in" but I wonder what her motivation is. Our language is getting better but not quite good enough to have a conversation like that.

Another example that just popped into my head... We were at breakfast the other day and each of our meals came with 3 slices of orange. Jason and I don't usually eat these so we were going to give them to the girls. Grace accepted mine and Ava said no thank you. Toward the end of our meal, Grace had eaten her orange slices and asked for 1 of Jasons. He gave it to her and Ava threw a fit. She wanted the oranges. Grace had 7 (her 3 plus my 3 plus Jason's 1). Ava said, "fair, no. Grace 7 oranges Ava only 3"

I pointed out to Ava that she hadn't eaten her 3 oranges and she instantly slipped into her very angry attitude where she won't talk or make eye-contact with anyone. She kicked the chairs, kicked Grace, and said again, "Ava no 7, Grace 7. Ava only 3"

But she didn't even want to eat her oranges. She doesn't even LIKE oranges... Why was the amount important?

This is a daily issue - and I wonder if other adoptive families have dealt with this kind of situation.

Ava visits the hospital...

2009-10-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

Since I met Ava in Ethiopia she has had a slight limp. Nothing that I was concerned about, but I could tell that her leg bothered her.

Off and on after coming home she would tell me that her leg hurt and I would give her some Tylenol or Motrin and we'd go about our business.

On Tuesday of last week (October 13th) Ava was limping significantly and really complaining of the pain. I contacted her doctor at Children's (she wasn't in the office) and phoned our local doctor just to see if they had some suggestions for making her comfortable.

The day progressed with no word from either doctor. She was still moving around (albeit very slowly and with an exaggerated limp) so I figured we could wait another day. When she got out of bed on Wednesday she refused to put any weight on her leg and was in tears because of the pain.

I have to say that having an adopted child who needs medical attention felt very different than when Grace is sick. I always told myself that I would treat both girls the same - but I am discovering in bits and pieces that right now, that just isn't possible. I know Grace better than I know myself. I've known her for 8 years. I've wiped all of her tears and her bottom. I've fed her, loved her, laughed with her - and I KNOW her. I know how much discomfort she can take, I know when she's *embellishing* her illness or pain, I know when she is truly hurting and in need of help. With Ava - I know nothing... (well, before our hospital stay anyway)... I have no idea how much pain she was in or how much she could endure. I don't know if her leg has hurt for 6 years or 6 minutes. As much as I love her (and I do), I don't know her well enough to really be certain of any one choice over another. I didn't want to drive to Seattle if she was sore from a pulled muscle - but on the other hand, I didn't want to not go if she was truly sick.

Jason, being my calm and dependable voice of reason, told me that I always make the right decisions for our children. Even if I *think* I don't know her, I am able to make the best choices for both of our girls and I needed to trust myself. WOW! When did he get so smart?

So I packed the girls in the car and we left. I hated being in the ER. It was packed with stuffy-nosed, coughing, feverish kids so I kept pouring on the Purell and praying for the best. We had a great doctor (Dr. Rebekah - Ava loved her) and they seemed really concerned about her pain. After about 6 hours in the ER, a ton of bloodwork and a million snacks from the "special room" the nurses showed to Grace - we were told that we'd be checking in to Chez Children's.

The doctors found some elevations in her bloodwork that "might" explain the pain but since she still refused to put weight on it they thought it best to get an MRI and it's faster to do that as an impatient rather than making an appointment.

So by midnight Jason had come to collect Grace, Ava was tucked into bed and I burrowed into the "fold-out bed" that they have for parents to sleep on (and I use the word "bed" very loosely).

On Thursday Ava had her MRI and a CT scan. The doctors moved us to an isolation room and started Ava on the series of TB testing procedures. She was thrilled by all of this since she had just finished all of this testing 2 months ago in Ethiopia :)

The doctors believed that a lesion in Ava's left leg bone is a TB infection and they went on to find that the "ear infection" that she's had for a VERY long time was actually TB coupled with pieces of cotton and tissue that had been left in her ear for likely as long as a year (according to the ENT).

Ava told us that the nannies would stuff cotton or tissue in their ears each night to help them sleep through the noise. The children would then be responsible for removing the cotton material in the morning. The doctors think that when Ava's ear started draining from the infection pieces of the cotton were retained in the ear and helped the infection breed and grow. Seeing the doctors take out these HUGE pieces of tissue and cotton was just about the most disgusting thing I've ever seen - but on a good note, the smell that has been bothering me is not gone!

Ava can hear better, her ear doesn't hurt for the first time in a year (she said through an interpreter) and we're finally home.

She'll be on medication for a long time to clear the tb infection but she's already feeling much better after just a few days of the treatment.

What a crazy ride! I have a few thoughts that I'll post in the next day or two about bonding while going through difficult circumstances. It IS possible, and we are doing it.

Because everyone loves a good picture...

2009-10-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

I love the first picture because you can see so clearly that there is something that is just overwhelming to her...

2nd photo - you see what it is...

Grandpa Dennis's apple trees!

Pretty cute kids...

At first Ava thought this was a "big big dog" but she fell in love with "Pony Boy" and even shared her apples.

Ava is teaching Grace a game they play in Ethiopia... kind of reminds me of jacks but without a ball, and with rocks.

The bird they saved. I'm pleased to announce that it will be released back into the wild after his (or her) broken leg heals at the vets office, not my house.

Swimming at the hotel.

For a little girl who had never been swimming before, she was very brave.

For a mama who hasn't ever had two kids to catch and ferry back to the edge, I was very exhausted.

Good thing Ava has a sister who is part fish... I was TOO tired to play any more.

And that pretty much catches you up on our previous 2 weeks.

File this under the, "I don't even know how to deal with that," tab...

2009-10-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

So Ava had her first doctor appointment with our local doctor. She'll primarily be seen by the doctors at Children's but I wanted to have someone close by that could deal with the little everyday things that crop up in the life of little girls.

Since I had to have some bloodwork done as well we opted for the 1st appt in the morning (practically the middle of the night in my opinion). I'm not at my most pleasant at 8am so perhaps this exchange was colored by my lack of sleep (or compassion).

Me: We're here for an 8am appt with Dr. xyz.

Receptionist: Your name?

Me: It's for my daughter Seble...

R: Oh, we were trying to figure out how to say that. What a different kind of name (yes, that's a direct quote). How did you decide to name her that?

Me: Well, we named her Ava but her birth name is Seble.

R: Oh. She's not your daughter?

Me: Yes she is.

R: Then who named her Seble?

Me: Her parents in Ethiopia

R: You can't bring her here if your not her mother

Me: I am her mother

R: but you said her parents named her in Ethiopia

Me: Yes, they did. She's adopted.

R: So you're not really her mom

Me: Sweetheart - maybe you should sit down before you
hurt yourself (ok, another direct quote and evidence that
I am not my kindest self at 8am). Is there another receptionist
that might be able to help us?

R: Fine

Me: Thank you

R2: Can I help you?

Me: I hope so. My daughter has an appt at 8am and
I'd like to check in.

R2: Your daughter's name?

Me: Her name is Seble but she goes by Ava

R2: Ok - looks like we have everything up-to-date
in the computer - you can have a seat.

R1: But her parents are in Ethiopia

Me: No, her 1st parents are dead in Ethiopia (don't
worry - Ava was VERY far away and not able to hear
ANY of this conversation) I AM HER MOTHER.

R1: But she's black

At this point I just laughed and walked over to my daughters - but really, are people that dense? Perhaps she's not an 8am kind of girl either - but then I wonder if she should have a job where she has to be "on" at 8am?

Should I say something to our doctor? Should I just pray that her two brain cells are able to multiply rapidly before she attempts to do something more challenging - like alphabetize? Should I just laugh it off as "one of those things"?

Ordinarily I'm pretty happy with our clinic - We love our provider - and after losing the two most phenominal doctors, we would like to ask her to marry us and move in so that we can ensure she'll never leave... so having to deal with this person certainly isn't a deal breaker - but will I have to do this every time we have an appointment? Should I find out what her work schedule is and make our appts. only on the days she's not working...

Really, I know it's not a big deal and I'm sure it won't happen again - but it just bugged me...

I can't be the only white mother with a black daughter at that clinic? And wasn't it way out of line for her to even comment on that?

Guess it's just another one of those things that make you go hmmmmm...

What's in a name...

2009-10-11T17:57:00.000-07:00

My favorite thing that Ava says right now is, "Hi, my name is" (more like Himynameis) when she wants to know the name of something.

That's kind of a random comment - but I guess since it has to do with names, it (kind of) relates to this post... kind of :)

One of my favorite adoption websites, Grown in my heart is hosting a blog-carnival addressing naming adopted children which tends to be a very touchy subject among people in the adoption community. My philosophy (for pretty much everything) is that you and I are free to do whatever we feel is best (for whatever reason). I won't pass judgement on you or your decisions (as long as they don't affect me personally) and I expect you to extend the same respect. I think that is where many adoptive families drop the ball... (sadly)

What I believe, what works for my family, our lives and experiences - they are mine. Though I share them here publicly - I am not asking for anyone to agree with, support, or share our decisions. I do expect people to behave respectfully (which in some cases, is asking a lot).

Wow - maybe I should stick with telling you how I really feel :)

Back to the name issue...

Naming my children is a very important thing to me. My daughter's names were chosen for specific, very personal reasons. We didn't change our daughter Ava's name because it was difficult to pronounce or to make things easier for her - we changed her first name simply because we, as a family, feel that naming her was a very important part of her birth into our family. We always knew we would keep her birth name as her middle name allowing her the option of using either Ava or Seble when she is older.

I have had numerous people criticize our decision - namely asking how I could take away her country, her family, her language, her friends - everything she's ever known... AND her name...

The way we see it... Her name was a gift from her Ethiopian parents and we respect and cherish both her name, and the gift that we have in her. Now that we are her parents, we wanted to give her that same gift - that same blessing and love that comes from bestowing a name on your child. We are not "taking" her name away from her - we are adding to it.

I'll admit that I wasn't sure how we would deal with the issue of the name change but when we had been together in Ethiopia for 2 weeks she asked me when we would start using her new name. I hadn't mentioned anything to her about changing her name - we hadn't discussed anything related to names - she just brought it up - I shared with her the name we had chosen and tried to explain the reason behind the choice - and from that day forward she has been Ava. She even ran down the stairs of the guest house and announced to everyone there, "Me no Seble. Me Ava."

She did ask to "be Seble" only when we went back to visit the orphanage where she had lived for the previous 2 months - and after we left, she let everyone know that she was once again Ava.

I do understand why people feel compelled to keep their child's birth name but it was very important to us as a family to give her a name as well. She is always going to have the option of using either name - Always... and if she never wanted to be called Ava ever again, we would all be ok with that...

I didn't get the honor of giving birth to my youngest daughter. I didn't get to spend the first 8 (maybe 9 or 10) years of her life caring for her, loving her, teaching her... So choosing a name that was meaningful to my family was a very important part of bringing her into our lives.

This made me laugh SO hard...

2009-10-11T14:12:00.001-07:00

Today is a lazy Sunday in the Murphy house. Primarily because I have a monster headache and have secluded myself to the bedroom to nap and work on the shop book-keeping, both which need relative quiet.

Jason has wanted to run his RC cars for a while so he decided to take both girls, the cars and go.

Before they walked out the door Ava ran into the room and said, "I love you so much Mommy" (imagine all of those words running together into one really long word and you'll know how she says this). When she ran into my room, this was what I saw...

She picked out ALL her own clothes today... Normally I give her a choice or two - so she's not overwhelmed with the vast array of clothing in their closet. Obviously she wasn't overwhelmed today... she just decided to put on one thing in every conceivable color - and top it off with a rhinestone covered cowgirl hat.

I really couldn't help but laugh - and then make them all stand together - so you could get the full effect.

Grace used to have a shirt that said, "Help, my daddy dressed me." That was all I could think about when I saw these two girls...

Two posts in one day... WOW!

2009-09-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

So we are having our family photos taken this weekend. I wanted to preserve everything that we are right now... not in a year when we have grown into each other - but right now when we are so new and happy (not that we won't be happy in a year...) and just really getting to know each other.

So we found a great photographer through Celebrating Adoption. After a few emails to the area photographers we decided on (and are SO glad) Mandi McDougall. We have been chatting by email and I already feel so comfortable with her - She and I are on the same page about the photography and what we want out of the session.

After the "apple" incident at Costco the other day I had been giving a lot of thought to what memories I want these photographs to capture.

I sent Mandi an email with an idea that I had and she replied right away with a suggestion that blew me away...

We will be having our photos taken HERE.

For a little girl who can't get enough apples - I think this is going to be AMAZING...

The colors of the apples and other fruits and vegetables are phenominal. Can you even imagine what stunning pictures will come from this? That cute little old wooden house (I'm sure it has a technical name - but I don't know what it is.), the pumpkins, the cider... I am certain a more perfect place could not have been found. It was so above and beyond for Mandi to phone the owners of this cider mill and share our story with them and make the arrangements for us to have our pictures there - we are so blessed to have her as part of this chapter in our lives.

Did I mention the cows and sheep and ducks - that's like my little piece of heaven right there...

And really, does it just blow your mind that they say they process 10-15 TONS of apples a day during their slow time and 30-40 TONS a day during the busy times... Holy cow... That's a lot of apples - especially in relationship to a little girl who was excited over a package of 12 apples... wow...

Can't wait to show off the photos of the super talented Mandi - keep checking back...

Things that are making me happy right now...

2009-09-30T11:51:00.001-07:00

When Ava wants to know the name of something she'll point to it and ask, "Hi my name is?"

Love that...

The girls are working together more peacefully. Today Grace even helped her with two of her school subjects.

Love that...

She loves to look over the scrapbooks of our family history.

Love that...

She also asked, "Ava's picture book where?"

Don't love that so much :) but I guess we can get to work on something simple.

She will pet the dogs - even my mom's two big scary dogs...

Love that...

A sweet lady from my grandmother's church, whom I haven't had the honor of meeting yet, bought and sent to me via grandma some of the nicest hair products for Ava. They smell yummy, and she was thrilled today to wash/condition her hair with her very special gift. I had done a lot of reading and research on haircare but there is nothing like having another woman who HAS that kind of hair herself to teach you the ropes. I hope to meet JoAnna soon and soak up every bit of advice she has to give. Though I do have to say that we've been doing ok at dealing with her hair. When she was in Ethiopia it was always pulled back in tight braids so we had NO idea that she had this beautiful curly hair. That took me by surprise.

Really love that...

Dinners from our church family. I'm not really good at asking or accepting help of any kind but after being in Ethiopia for a month, coming home with all of the issues that we had/have, and trying to forge a bond with Ava - I needed help and have been grateful beyond words for every night I haven't had to think about making dinner. That has truly allowed me time with both girls to settle in to our new lives.

Love that...

Even though there are a million things that need to be done, I'm feeling a little behind, and some days I can't muster up the energy to do much of anything - we are settling in to our routine, we are getting to know each other better every day, and I am loving my *new* family.

Love that the most...

Apples...

2009-09-23T14:42:00.001-07:00

Today I broke the cardinal rule of adoption.

I took Ava and Grace to Costco...

We were desperate. I was dreaming up ways to use cat-food as a side dish. That is how little food we had in the house. I stocked up the cupboards before leaving for Ethiopia but after being home for 11 days, we pretty much used everything we had.

I debated whether to leave them with a sitter (Ava would freak out). I thought about sending Jason (we'd end up eating popcorn and fruit snacks for a week). I thought about ordering pizza for breakfast/lunch/dinner (they'd deliver it and we'd save having to go out for later). In the end I figured we'd just go, get what we needed and get out...

I explained to Ava what we were doing. Tried to give her a mental picture of what Costco is all about. We walked through the doors and she just held on to my hand not really showing any kind of emotion. We pushed our cart up and down the necessary aisles quickly grabbing the things we needed.

It was in the auto-care aisle that i started to pat myself on the back. I must have done a great job of preparing her for the overstimulation and crazy that is Costco. As far as adoptive moms go, I really have this whole thing down... I totally get what Ava needs and I am able to give it to her... This adoption thing is a piece....

of...

Ava, come back. (Please God don't let her be running away again - I can't have another *Hilton* experience)

Grace - please go get your sister...

I push the cart over to where Grace and Ava are standing. In front of us is the tower of apples in those little plastic bubble containers. Today, the apple tower was almost as tall as I am.

Grace has her arm around Ava (which is a first) and Ava is holding a package of apples with tears streaming down her face.

I knelt down so I could see her face and I asked her what was wrong.

Apples, mama...
Apples, apples, apples (she says as she points to each package of apples) apples, apples, apples...

Ava, do you want some apples?

Yes, please... She turns to me and wraps her little tiny arms around my leg. "Thank you mommy, thank you for the apple." She turns around and opens the plastic bubble package and takes out 1 apple.

No Ava - we're getting the whole package. Not just one. The whole thing...

She stares at me - absolutely unwilling to believe that she is going to take home not 1 beautiful, shiny apple - but 12 delicious - washington grown - Fuji apples...

She hugs Grace. "Grace, mommy buy a many apples."

Grace looks at her - the moment of sibling tenderness obviously over - and says, "Ava - in America you could eat a 100 apples if you wanted to... If you ask her, mom would probably buy you all the apples here just to make you happy."

Thankfully Ava's English wasn't good enough for her to understand THAT!

So I wiped away her tears and she walked through the rest of the store holding that package of apples. She did ask a few more times if I was really going to buy the whole package - so I did go back and get a second one... That way Ava could have the ENTIRE package of apples for herself. We'll worry about sharing and all that stuff later - My sweet girl deserved more than anything to have as many apples as her tiny little stomach could hold.

When we were checking out the cashier asked the girls if they liked apples. Ava told him right away that I was buying a whole package for her. She told him that in Ethiopia apples were expensive and she couldn't have them until she came to America.

So picture this - Our cashier is trying to ring up our groceries AND wipe the tears out of his eyes, I'm trying hard not to cry because it scares Ava - and the girls are waiting happily at the end of the lane, each holding on to their package of apples.

It breaks my heart to know that her life, until now, has been so very hard. She's gone hungry, she's had to take care of herself, she's seen things that most of us are to weak to stomach... I wish I could take that pain away from her - but if I could, it would change the person that she is, and I wouldn't want that for anything.

So for now - I'll buy her apples and love her the very best way that I can...

What no one told me about adoption...

2009-09-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

I'll preface this by saying that I have only been home from Ethiopia for 6 days.

Having said that, I think I could fill a book with the things I didn't know but wish I had...

My truths...

No one told me the depth of pain I would feel for my daughter's family. Jason and I got a daughter, Grace got a sister - they lost one of their own. Her parents have been gone for quite a few years but I know her extended family loved her and would have done anything possible to keep her with them. I can't begin to comprehend having to make that decision and the pain that would come from it - I can only hurt with them and for them and most of all, for her... I read all of the books, watched the videos, talked to other families but only after seeing the photos of her with her first family did I truly understand I was only getting to be her mom because they couldn't. Not that they didn't want to, I know without a doubt that they did...

No one told me that hearing my daughters laughing together when they should be sleeping would bring me to tears.

No one told me that at first, it would be different. I often still feel like a baby-sitter.

No one told me how utterly exhausted I would be. It's harder than childbirth - I've done both now and of the two, birthing a baby was a cake-walk.

No one told me how my life would be changed not by my daughter but by her country. Ethiopia is a part of me now - the good and the bad - and I have been trusted to do something with that.

No one told me that my 1st daughter would struggle with the change. We've talked about it for a year, we've role-played, we've laughed and cried - but nothing could prepare me to hear the words, "you love her more than me" (still struggling with that one)

No one told me that even though we didn't care what other people/family thought about our adoption - it still stings when they express their thoughts/feelings about our daughter.

No one told me how full I would feel seeing my husband with both of our children. How I could just sit for hours watching them (if I could stay awake for that long - this jet lag is killing me!)

Lots of people told me how hard it would be - I only wish I had listened a little better.

No one told me that after spending a month in Ethiopia I would have nightmares about the horrors I saw there. Perhaps those nightmares are God's way of pushing me toward action?

No one told me how real post-adoption depression is. Trying to reacclimate to the US after being in ET, trying to bring a new daughter into the fold, trying to understand and comprehend all that I saw over there... it's real.

No one told me how amazing it is to see your child go from being a little adult (out of necessity) to being a kid. Watching her swing with NO cares or worries, seeing her not worry about food or where her next meal will come from (if it comes at all), hearing her laugh - REALLY laugh. I knew it would be great - but I had no idea it would be as wonderful as it is.

I wouldn't for one single second trade the life I have right now. Despite the difficulties, the rewards are worth the struggle. I get to watch two little girls learn about life and love and living, two little girls who were meant to be sisters - I got to be a part of that - I was able to witness our family being brought together. If ever there were a job that made me feel closer to God - it is certainly this one.

We are home (finally)...

2009-09-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted beyond anything I ever thought possible.

Right now I'm supposed to be sleeping :) but wanted to share this photo that I took only a few minutes ago.

They have been so very sweet together. In all I think they've changed clothes a dozen times and each time they come out with matching clothes... Grace has been so loving toward her - even when Ava touched her "special stuff" (a box of stuff that belongs to ONLY Grace {ava has one too}).

She speaks slowly and makes sure that Ava understands what she's saying. She puts the dogs in or lets them out so that Ava has time to get used to them.

She tickles her, hugs her, holds her hand...

I didn't know how it would all work out - but as far as day 1 goes, it's a success. I do know there will be tough times, there will be crying and fighting and testing limits...

But today - on their first day together as sisters - they are both in heaven.

Now, I think I'll go take that nap!

2009-08-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

Can anyone guess what happens in 37 hours and 15 minutes?

I will be boarding a plane that will eventually take me to AFRICA...

Holy smokes...

I. AM. GOING. TO. AFRICA.

I will get to see my daughter, I will get to hug and kiss her, tell her how much I love her and how we have been waiting for her for SO long.

Trust me when I say the story that led up to me deciding to step out in faith and get on the plane is a long one. When I come back WITH my daughter, I will share it with all of you. But for now just know that we NEED your prayers, we covet them and hope you will keep our entire family covered in them.

I can admit here that I am scared. I don't travel without my husband. He is my rock, my security blanket, my shoulder when I need it. However, the life of a self-employed business owner doesn't allow for spontaneous African holidays! Since the trip is open-ended, and I have no real idea when i'll be home (yikes), Grace will be staying home with Jason. A lot of juggling for him, a lot of anxiety for me, but a reward bigger than any of us can imagine...

I am excited to see what I am capable of. Really, if getting on a plane to Africa doesn't throw you out of your comfort zone I don't know what will. I am BLESSED beyond comprehension to get to spend all of that time getting to know Ava. It will just be she and I, a mom and her new daughter, a little piece of heaven.

Pray - of all things we need, this is what we need most.

And the lame blogger award goes to...

2009-08-12T20:38:00.001-07:00

Duh! That would be me.
No apologies, just going to just right into the update.

We are STILL waiting for Ava's test results. Her TB testing was completed in June, sometime during the week of the 15th. The samples were sent to Kenya where they have been growing (or in her case, prayerfully, NOT growing) for the last 8 weeks. This past Monday marked the 8th week post-testing and it is after the 8th week that the samples are examined and a determination is made as to whether or not she has TB. We're pretty positive she doesn't have TB since she finished a 9 month course of treatment for TB just days before taking this test. However, that doesn't make the waiting any easier.

Waiting is still waiting, and I have decided it is for the birds!

I have tried to keep busy, worked on long-forgotten projects, worked on the last few decorations for the girls bedroom, anything to keep my hands and brain from sinking into that dark place where everything is too hard, too sad, to depressing... It is SO easy to go there, and not so easy to leave.

I have been quite pleased with how I have dealt with all of the turmoil of this adoption. There have been a few HUGE blows that we've taken during the process and each and every time I've been "fine."

No big deal you might say - but if you did say that, you're probably not someone who knows me very well. My normal response to crisis is to deal with it as it happens and THEN breakdown... but in the past there has always been a breakdown. Crying, despondency, fear, worry... it always comes.

Except for now. It's not because Ava isn't "worth it" - it IS because this adoption is completely and 100% in God's hands. I know I should deal with all of my life that way. I know. And this adoption has changed me in many ways, but that is one of the big ones. I have been able to SEE God's divine orchestration of this adoption and in our family. So letting go felt less like "letting go" and more like just normal living. (did that make ANY sense?)

When we heard about the 8 week wait for the test results I was heartbroken. We were truly ready to walk out the door to get on the plane. In my head I knew that I'd never make it through 8 long weeks of waiting (after 9 months of waiting already). However, here I am. No worse for the wear. When I was sad, I prayed. When I was happy, I prayed. When I didn't understand or want to accept something, I prayed. I know now that I never would have gotten through those 8 weeks if I wasn't able to give all of those cares and worries and fears to God. I'm so small and weak - I never could have carried those burdens on my own.

This week is different. There is so much anxiety. Every time the phone rings my heart skips a beat, my stomach lurches into my throat, I freeze unsure whether I should answer the phone or ignore it. What if it is our adoption coordinator calling to tell me that something is wrong with the test? Or maybe that they have to do it over, or that this was all a cruel joke and Ava isn't really coming home with us. Whenever those thoughts pop into my head, I am on my knees praying for them to be taken. But they come back.

The anxiety is taking its physical toll as well. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. My stomach isn't feeling well but I can't eat. So again, I'm praying for God's hand to guide me and to give me what it is that I need right now.

Every day that passes I know that I'm a day closer to finding out - but that doesn't really help since I don't know what day it is that I WILL find out. So really, what is being one day closer when there could be a million more days before I know? A bit melodramatic I know - but this is tough!

On a less depressing front I've been able to finish some knitting. I started matching sweaters for the girls (Grace's request) for our trip to Ethiopia. I have no finished Graces and am going strong on Ava's. They are a lovely Fair Isle sweater in an equally lovely lilac color. It does make me quite giddy to be able to knit for my TWO little girls...

We're also collecting donations of things that the orphanage needs. If you are interested in helping with that feel free to let me know - and we can work out the details. Here is a list of their most pressing needs

Baby bottles- they use the traditional ones>
Baby lotion>
Baby oil>
Vaseline>
Baby clothes (18 mo and under)>
Baby shoes>
Baby towels- the kind with the hood on them>
Baby toys-it is best if you can send mostly plastic ones as some of the fabric ones were getting moldy. They use them to make mobiles for the babies to look at and also let them play with them. Some of those big plastic links would be awesome!>
Toys for older kids (school stuff like workbooks, puzzles, games that require no reading)
Baby socks>
Underwear for toddlers like 2T 3T>
Vitamins for babies (liquid) AND toddlers (chewables)>
Diapers>
STICKERS- I guess the kids love them!

We are taking several totes of donations over when we go. We have one full of shoes already and I'd love to FILL the others with the things that they desperately need. Would you like to help?

Right now, it's 7am in Ethiopia. I'm praying today is the day that we get *that* call and that tomorrow I can begin my manic preparation for our trip of a lifetime. Please keep us in your prayers. We are so blessed by each one of you.

She's alive...

2009-07-18T20:37:00.001-07:00

To those who have emailed with concerns for my whereabouts - rest assured, I am still here, still alive, and yes... still waiting.

Aside from being busier than I could imagine - I just haven't felt at all like blogging.

Not. One. Bit.

Things continue to be exciting, and difficult, and normal here in the land of Murphy - but I just haven't had a need {or desire} to share any of that.

I started blogging primarily as a way to keep track of the things that happen in our lives that might be of interest to one of us in the future. I've used bits of my blogging for scrapbooking (handy to recall dates and details), I've used it to keep up with my far-away family, I've used it as a sort of therapeutic confessional... I guess if I am to be true to the reason I began blogging then I better get "better" at being consistent. No way could I give myself a blogging quota - but I can commit to being a bit more regular.

Now that we have that bit of housekeeping out of the way.

Grace finished soccer camp today. It was an AMAZING camp put on by our church and Anacortes Christian Church - the group that ran the camp is called Ambassadors in Sports and really, it was an incredible group of men and women with a love for soccer and a passion for Christ. (really, is there a better combination?).

6 hours of soccer playing/skills training/worship/bible study. It was awesome to see so many kids from church, and children that are growing up in a Christian environment - but the coolest thing was to see many children who hadn't ever been introduced to Christ and Christianity just soaking it all in.

While we were leaving today there was a boy, about Grace's age, who was telling his mom about the Bible his coach had given him. Just watching him hold the book, and hearing the awe and admiration in his voice - if his little life was the only one touched during the entire week - it would be worth it.

I'll post pictures tomorrow...

On the Ava homefront... No new news. We're still waiting for results on the testing she had done. Since this is a rather new condition the children are having to meet in order to obtain their visa, and we're one of the first families (there are 3-4 who are a bit ahead of us in the process) with a child having to navigate through the testing/waiting for results, we're not certain how long it will take. We were told that it takes 8 weeks from when the testing was done to receive the results. The first family who to finish the testing got their results in about 9 weeks and then had another 2 week wait for an embassy appointment.

So really, as much as I'd like to say we'll be going over there at the end of August, I have nothing to base that off of other than my deepest hope to bring my little girl home. We could quite possibly go at the end of August (that would be about 10weeks post testing) - and we could also have to wait until who-knows-when.

The only thing I do know is that we will eventually bring her home :) The rest is completely, 100% out of my hands. I'm not normally one who can sit back and accept things as they are. I am guilty of muddying the waters with my attempt to control the situation but with this, I am at peace.

Does that mean it isn't the hardest thing I've ever done? No - it is hands down one of the most difficult roads I've ever walked. Period. But is my worrying and fretting going to get Ava home one second sooner? Not even a second!

If only I could find a way to incorporate that sense of peace into the rest of my life...

If only...

So - to end a perfect day of soccer and worship, I am going to take myself off to bed! Grace passed out about 3 hours ago (6pm) and Jason is spending some time with friends. I think I'll grab a book and indulge in some serious bed-hogging while I have the chance.

I'm not a good wait-er

2009-06-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

For the past 8 months we've been waiting.

Waiting on people, paperwork, officials, appointments, meetings, phone calls... Lots and lots of waiting.

Today is no different. Today we're waiting for a video that another traveling mom took of Ava (she's still known as Seble over there - so if I slip up and refer to her as that, you'll know why).

She said in the video, Ava is looking through the scrapbook we sent her last October. Mika (the traveling mom) said that Ava would point to my picture and say, "Mommy" - she'd point to Grace's picture and say, "Sister"

When I heard that (and after I stopped crying) I wanted to do nothing except SEE the video. I would do just about anything to hear her voice, see her smiling, know that she is ok.

Many of the other families have been treated to photos and videos from traveling families but this is the first time that we've had this opportunity. Ava had been living in a city called Mekele which is about 3 hours north of Addis Ababa (Ethiopia's capital city). Since we will be traveling soon, and because of the test she had to have, she was moved from the Mekele care center to the care center in Addis. Because of this move we will get photos of her from the traveling families more frequently.

Mika did treat us to a STUNNING photo of Ava. Truly one of those most beautiful pictures we've seen of her. (if you'd like a copy - email me and I'll send it to you)

And we've seen 2 quick videos where Ava was part of the group being recorded. There is a good one where she waves at the camera for a minute - absolutely beautiful.

One of the other mom's who recently traveled to Ethiopia sent me a note last night. She made the connection between Seble (Ava) and I, and sent this note (her personal information is x'ed out)

My name is HXXX EXXXXXX, and we just returned from picking up HXXXX. I was looking at Mika’s photos, and I counted to the 52nd one, to see who you were talking about. It was kind of hard to remember all the names! She was wearing a white shirt with denim overalls?

I have to HONESTLY tell you—I was transfixed by your little girl. She is GORGEOUS. Her little eyes are amazing and she has beautiful skin. And, she has a super-sweet disposition. The only weird thing is that she told me she was 11, which seems WAY too old—she looks about 8, but I know they tend to be smaller/younger looking. Unless, she just wasn’t understanding me.

To know that another mom has seen Ava. Not only seen her - but talked to her and can tell me what she's like - it was overwhelming to read that.

My little girl has a "sweet disposition"... I keep saying that, over and over. My little girl IS beautiful (well, BOTH of my girls are beautiful!).

My little girl

{ok - Our little girl. But since this is my blog, I tend to write from my perspective}

Here's to summer flying by. I hate that I pray for that, but there's no way she's coming home until the end of summer - so here's to keeping busy, having fun, and time flying by!

Scared - A novel on the edge of the world (FREE!)

2009-06-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

This is a novel - unlike Tom's other books (Red Letters & Fields of the Fatherless) this is a fictional story about a man and his experience with a little girl (and her village) in Uganda.

Like Tom's other two books - this one changed me.

Right now (until July 10th) you are able to download a copy of this book, free of charge. The message in this book is one that everyone needs to hear. Though it is fiction, each character is based on a person that Tom has met and worked with while in Africa.

I challenge you to read this book and not feel convicted to do something for the children who are living in the situations you will read about .

Scared - A novel on the edge of the world

Follow the link above. You'll see the button to download the book. Sit. Read. Be changed.

Day 3 of Victorian Daycamp

2009-06-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

So far Grace is really enjoying herself. Yesterday her "job" was in the kitchen which meant she was responsible for washing all of the dishes (in a bucket in the garden) and the table linens. It was cute listening to her talk about how hard it was and how tired it made her. She even had to hang them up to dry on a sweet little clothes line!

They have tea time every afternoon with a victorian era snack (they've made scones, shortcake, and teacakes thus far). They are sketching (also very popular during that time) and doing water colors. Playing croquet has been at the top of the fun list, as is playing the harp and dancing.

She loves the hoop skirts but doesn't like when she has to take it off completely to use the restrooms - she was laughing about not being able to fit through a door with her skirt on.

To see this sweet little group of girls (there are 1-2 younger girls and 1 older girl - most are Grace's age) skipping across the parking lot to go into their classroom, lunch baskets in hand is one of the sweetest things.

The drive home from Coupeville is beautiful AND full of non-stop chatter!

This summer activity gets Grace's seal of approval!

On the Ava front - we're still waiting :( Trust me, I'd love to have something new to report - but this test is holding everything (and everyone) up. We have heard from our agency that she is finished with the test and we're in the 8 week waiting period. Our prayer is that the cultures grow nothing and we can move on to the visa application. We had thought we'd be going at the end of July - but I'm not holding out much hope and my opinion is that it will likely be the end of August before we go.

Disappointing - but we're coming to realize (and see) more and more that God's hands are all over this adoption and our family - and she will be home exactly when she is supposed to. That doesn't make the days more any more quickly and it certainly doesn't make anything easier - but it does allow me to rest knowing that all is going according to His plan.

And so it begins...

2009-06-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

I love summer.

We don't really do anything different during the summer - Grace still does school work, we have most of the same activities and committments - but it's *summer*

Today Grace started the first of several day camps she's attending. That's the other thing I love about summer. Camp. It's a time for Grace to try something new, meet new people, and a chance for me to do - well, whatever I want!

This week she is at the Victorian Days daycamp and Garden Isle Montessori in Coupeville. They are going to fully immerse themselves in the Victorian era. The girls are wearing hoop skirts and knitted shawls, they take their lunch in baskets, I thought about signing myself up!

They will be working in the garden, learning needlepoint, having tea... Grace is in heaven because this is one of her favorite time periods - now if I can just sneak the camera in and get a photo!

The plan for the summer looks like this:

Victorian camp

4th of July vacation with mimi/grandpa (my parents)

Soccer camp at church (ambassadors in sports - if you have a soccer camp coming to a church near you I highly suggest you go)

Marine bio camp #1

Girl Scout camp (marine bio related)

Marine bio camp #2 (camp 1&2 are at Deception Pass - run by Walla Walla college and they look amazing)

We'll also throw in a little trip to Ethiopia - somewhere in there...

I think Grace needs to have some time away from home, some time to just have fun and not worry (or even think) about the changes coming her way - the trip - the adoption - all of that stuff. She's really having a hard time waiting and isn't understanding why, when the adoption has been finalized for months (3+), we aren't able to bring her home.

Going back to enjoying my last 3 hours of quiet for today!

This is cool!

2009-06-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

So Bekah sent some photos of baby Ian. Grace took one look at said, "Mom - he looks exactly like me."

She ran into her room and grabbed a framed baby picture off of her desk and brought it in to me.

What do YOU think?

Grace is the stunning baby on the left in the frame :) She is about 2 weeks old in this photo and we were just getting ready to move her upstairs to the PICU (from downstairs in the NICU). The differences we could see - her head is longer and his is more round. He's about twice her size and she's a girl! Not to many differences, considering.

So now, all I can think of is...

But they're cousins,

Identical cousins all the way.

One pair of matching bookends,

Different as night and day.

Still, they're cousins,

Identical cousins and you'll find,

They laugh alike,

they walk alike,

At times they even talk alike --

You can lose your mind,

When cousins are two of a kind.

Now we know he'll grow up to be pretty darn cute!

Baby boy is here!

2009-06-08T18:33:00.001-07:00

Ok - not *here* in my house, but *here* in the world...

Killian Patrick Green
Born at 8:06 (don't quote me - the details are on my phone and my phone is in the car)
6/8/09
8lbs 12oz
22"

I'm praying that Rebekah will stop being stubborn (if you're reading this and you're Rebekah - well, stop being stubborn!) and let me come out and help take care of things (namely her and that sweet baby).

It's hard to believe it was 8 years ago that I was where she is now...

There are parts of that day that I remember as clearly as if I were watching it on TV. Some of the other details are a bit fuzzy - but I remember the second I finally saw Grace. The sound of her first cry. Hearing the doctors breath a sigh of relief to see that she was in fact breathing on her own.

I don't remember if I was crying or laughing. I don't remember when they said, "It's a girl" (we didn't know until she was born). I don't remember what Jason and I said to each other.

I do remember how her finger gripped my pinky as if it were the only familiar thing in a sea of unknowns. I remember how tiny she looked (and was). I remember how much and how soft her hair was - like a black dandelion puff of silk.

I remember thinking that this was, finally, something I had done really - REALLY right. She was brand-new, and absolutely perfect. Nobody else in the world could have done what I did. I became the mom, to a one-of-a-kind little girl and there isn't anyone else who could have done that.

The years fly by. I never really believed people when they said that. The other moms who commented on your baby while dragging their sullen looking teenager through the mall. The older lady who looked whistfully at the tiny newborn remembering how it "seems like just yesterday" their little boy was born (and he celebrated his 30th birthday last week).

I stayed home with Grace from the day she was born. I spent all of my time with her. Caring for her, loving her, teaching her, learning from her - and still, it isn't enough.

Some days it feels like only 8 minutes. I've not had nearly enough time with her. I haven't shown her all the things I want her to see. I haven't taught her all the things that are important to me. I guess what I'm saying is that everything seems so fresh and new and perfect and lovely the day you become a mom... but before you know it they are a year old, then five, and overnight they turn 8.

But for today there is one perfect little angel. A sweet, adorable little boy with a mom and a dad full of dreams and possibilities and excitement. A lovely little family destined for adventure and
living life.

{Now to get on a plane so I can hug his mama and give him a kiss (or two)}

Slice of Life...

2009-06-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

An update? It feels like I can't get a minute to sit down at the computer and form a coherent sentence.

Piano Recital kids

Grace, Simon and Lily at Habesha Restaurant in Seattle. They LOVED the Ethiopian food - it was SO fun to watch them enjoy and devour a wide variety of foods. They all tried everything - I think the 3 of them were more adventurous than I was!

The waitress gave us the address for an Ethiopian grocery store so after we were done eating lunch we set out to find it. After getting ourselves into the parking lot at the King County Youth Detention Center (and having to explain to the guard how we got in there) we found the grocery store about 2 blocks away!

Note to self (or others if it applies) - Don't drive around those parking lot arms. If you can't find the machine to get a ticket, there's probably a reason :)

Anyway - the 3 kids and I went into the grocery store and were surprised to find that it looked like any other junky convenience store. I told them they could choose a candy since they were such good sports and we went up to pay for our stuff. In front of me in line was a man with a package of injera. I asked him where it came from and he showed me to the Ethiopian part of the grocery store. It was in the back, and you had to walk through a curtain to get to it! Once we were in there, well it was like being in a really good grown-up candy store!

They had Teff flour, injera, spices, butters, lentils - everything you need to cook Ethiopian food. The colors and the smells were so overwhelming (in a good way). I asked the butcher if he could help me choose what I needed for when Ava comes home. He called out another lady (Elsa) and she translated between myself, the butcher, and another Ethiopian woman who came out. They asked to see Ava's picture, told me what life was like in her village, shared a lot about what little Ethiopian girls can be like (their first comment was that she "looks like a sassy one!").

They just opened up to me. They thanked ME for bringing Ava home. They thanked ME for loving her, for loving their country. Truthfully - it was quite emotional - certainly not your ordinary grocery store visit.

They were impressed that I knew the names of the various spices and ingredients and were pleased to give me each one that I asked for (amazing Berbere - my whole house smells like it now...). I got the pan to roast the coffee beans in for a coffee ceremony along with the beans and the coffee cups (looks like a super-fancy tea set). I got a package of injera and some shiro.

Elsa also took us into the back of the store and showed me how to make many of the quicker, simpler dishes. She instructed me to come back soon - for the whole day - so she could teach me to cook "like Habesha" (Native). She told me if I was going to be "Ethiopian mother" that I needed to cook like an Ethiopian mother!

I agree :)

So I have her phone number and am planning on making another trip down to Seattle for my cooking lesson with Elsa.

She also told me that "I know you be good Ferangi mother" (I may have misspelled that word) the translation being that she thought I'd be a good foreign mom. A good mom to an Ethiopian daughter... She hugged me and made me promise I'd come back then she helped me up to the register and we went our seperate ways.

I have never met a group of people as kind as the people I've met who have come from Ethiopia. These strangers, upon hearing that we were adopting a child from their country, thought nothing of opening up their business - taking time from their (obviously) busy day - they just invited me in...

Wow...

That was one of the best days that I can recall having in a long time.

On to the Ava update...

We've learned that she's been taken to Addis Ababa for *the test* that we've been waiting on. I believe that she started the testing today and it is done over a 3-day period. She'll go back to Mekele after the testing and then we'll wait the {long} 8-10 weeks for the results.

To get negative (which is what we want) results they basically have to allow the cultures to grow for a longer period of time so they can ensure there are no disease bacteria in the sample. If she were to still have active TB bacteria then the results would come much more quickly :) but that's what we don't want!

8 weeks feels like forever but we've waited this long, we've waited when we didn't think we could wait another minute, so we will continue to wait. We'll wait and pray and keep preparing for the day that she DOES come home.

On that note, I'm taking a class with my friend Aby at Simplify 101 in an effort to get a few things organized before Ava arrives. If you are struggling with clutter or need some organization help - I can't recommend this class and Aby highly enough. It's worth every penny (and a lot more, in my opinion). Check it out.

Childhood

2009-05-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

I love this picture of Grace.

I don't think anything says *happy childhood* like a picture of a little girl feeding geese/ducks/swans...

After Grace's piano lessons on Tuesday we often go to this little pond down the street from her teacher's house. We've come to know the Canadian geese pair that hang out here, and the three ducks and 2 geese that seem to be regulars. There are some new additions there this spring. We've counted 9 baby Canadian geese - and truly, they are the cutest things ever. Their little wings are SO tiny. When they spread their wings in an effort to *fly* they look like those cartoon pictures of Cupid - the ones where he's depicted as an older man with the tiny, tiny wings (I hope you know what I'm talking about!).

The baby geese are in the grey-ish/brown looking birds that are standing between the two canadian geese in the bottom photo.

We spent about 2 hours hanging out there in the sunshine feeding the birds. A lovely way to spend an afternoon. Before we left we ran into our friend Cheryl and her kids - so Grace got to feed the birds with the Crawford kids (AnnaMarie, Naomi, and David) which was fun for her.

We're thinking of going back tomorrow. We've heard that a bit futher down there are even *newer* baby Canadian Geese!

a lovely sunday

2009-05-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

Today at church we were blessed to walk through the door and see our friend Lisa Aydelotte with her beautiful daughter, newly arrived from Ghana, Monica. I've seen her photo so many times that it took me a moment to realize that I hadn't actually *met* her yet (they just returned home last week).

My heart was so happy to see Lisa holding that precious little girl.

We made our way to our seats, sat down, and waited for things to begin. Our service always begins with various announcements, and this morning was no different. One of our church's members (the sister of Grace's piano teacher - and an amazingly talented girl) stepped up to the microphone and announced that her family was, at that very moment, bringing their 12th child home. They learned of this little boy only last Friday... as much as I wanted to listen (I adore this family - they have been such a blessing to know) my brain just turned off. I am so thankful that they were able to be the family this little boy needs - but my heart just couldn't get past the fact that he was able to "come home" in a week - and we will be waiting months more to bring our daughter home.

Don't think for one second that I'm not thrilled for the 3 families in our church that have brought their children home in the last week (5 children in total) - it's just that I don't understand why WE aren't one of those families...

Yesterday was the yearly Spring Tea that is hosted at Grace's *Grandma Dorothy's* house. Every year Dorothy, Karen (a co-worker of Dorothy and my mom), and my mother put together a lovely tea party for their friends. That was supposed to be our first big outing with Ava. We *should* have been home for a few weeks, and Jason and I had decided that it would be ok to take her along. Being there yesterday was so bittersweet. Grace was there and loved every minute of it (the little girls were on dog patrol - playing with Maggie and Kirby) but Ava was not - and I couldn't get past that. Thankfully there were some sweet ladies there who listened happily as I talked on and on about both girls and I even learned that a dear friend of my mothers (and mine - she's a sweet woman) was adopting (foster-adopt) a little girl just a bit older than Grace and Ava.

I'm getting a bit rambly - but since it's my blog, I guess that's ok! I just wish I could find a way to accept that there isn't anything I can do to speed things up. Things will happen as they are supposed to - regardless of what I do.

So I pray...
and I pray...
and I pray some more...

I want to come to the place where I am content with things as they are, and with things as they will be - but not to have the timeline attached. So my question is, how do you get there.

How do you get to the place where you don't burst into tears because you see your two friends with their new children? How is it possible to be so happy and yet so sad, all in the same span of time?

On to happier things...

I am designing a class for an amazing website called Big Picture Scrapbooking. Those that know me know that I love anything scrapbooking. Recording family memories, photos, and stories is something I have a passion for. Really, that's one of the reasons I blog. To have a place to write things down, things I want to remember. Anyway - I'm going to be teaching a couple of classes with them (and hopefully more of them in the future). If you've never checked them out before, make sure you do... it's an amazing way to incorporate scrapbooking into your life. It's affordable, convenient (you do the classes when YOU have time), and lots of fun. Keep an eye out for an announcement on my classes - especially if you've adopted - you'll want to check them out!

Big Picture Scrapbooking

What else???

Today we hung out at Cranberry Lake after church. I'm not usually a big fan of going there. It's beautiful and all - but I have a serious allergy to mosquitos and every time I'm there I end up having to run back to the car to avoid the swarm that inevitably chases me (why is it that those who are allergic tend to be the ones that the pest is attracted to?). Today the weather was so perfect that I only saw a handful of mosquitos, and only ended the day with taking 3 benedryl and 8 bites! Not bad. Grace played in the water, Jason tossed rocks, and I took pictures (and looked for sea-glass!).

Here's the photo we are sending to Ava. She's never seen the ocean before - I can't wait for the chance to show it off to her!

Still here... still waiting

2009-05-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

I apologize for dropping off the face of the blogging earth.

We are still waiting for news of when we'll be able to bring Ava home. Truthfully we haven't had much help from the State Department so this week I've been in contact with our Senators and Representative. I'm praying that they will know who I need to speak with and how I need to go about getting things moving along.

My hope is that each person who reads this will pray for our daughter. Really that you'll pray for both daughters. Ava is still in her home country, still hungry, still without adequate medical care. Grace is here - and while she is healthy and wants for nothing, she is very confused about this whole process. One day we have a date to leave and we're preparing for that, and the next day everything is different. The emotional roller-coaster is challenging for her - which makes it challenging for me : )

Mother's day was hard. I couldn't stop loving on Grace, enjoying the breakfast that she prepared for me, reading the handmade cards she made. But my heart was hurting too. One of my daughter's is living in Africa. She's lost her first mother and doesn't yet {really} know me. I didn't feel like I could fully celebrate the day - not without having both of my daughter's HERE with me, so Jason let me just "be." This is one of the most amazing things about him. He knows when he needs to stick around, when I need him to be close, and he knows when I just need to be alone. Truly, he's a rock-star husband and I couldn't ask for anyone better. He knows me - sometimes I think, better than I know myself!

So I read a book (Jodi Piccoult), lazed around the house, did nothing really - and it couldn't have been more divine! Oh, and I did take a bath at 2pm - that was so indulgent.

I'll keep you posted on the news about Ava. We are praying constantly that something will change and we'll be able to bring her home soon.

What are you doing?

2009-04-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

Praise you in this storm...

2009-04-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

There really isn't any other way to describe what our family is going through right now. We were prepared to leave at the end of the month. We were ready to bring our daughter home at the beginning of next month. Grace is ready to share her room with her sister.

But it seems as if God has other plans for us. Quite honestly, I don't understand them. I don't understand how we can be SO close yet obviously SO far away. Truly, we had everything ready for our departure on the 27th. Our bags were packed (and repacked), our donations were ready to go in their rubbermaid totes, and Grace had chosen the movies to take to watch on the plane.

We. Were. Ready.

Then there was an email. At first it had me concerned, but I was sure that nothing would come of it. Then we started getting several emails, and phone calls... Then the news that there wasn't anything we could do - our daughter was going to be stuck in Ethiopia for at least another 14 weeks.

Why?

Well the US Embassy has decided that Immigrants and Refugees from Ethiopia must now have aTB test. Ordinarily this wouldn't be a big deal except adoptees AREN'T immigrants or refugees. We have to prove up one side and down the other that we have health insurance for these children (we're already paying for Ava's health insurance - she's ON our policy already), immigrants and refugees can pose a serious threat to public health because they often can't afford or choose not to see care for their illness. This is NOT the case with adopted children - but the Embassy isn't seeing it that way. The other problem is that Ava is being treated for TB exposure so she can't even HAVE the test she needs until after finishing the course of treatment (6weeks). The kicker... After finishing the treatment and being tested - the results of this test take TWO MONTHS to get back.

I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. In a time when we can have test results sent by email, read them on our iphones, cellphones, or blackberries in an erawhere "instantly" is considered slow. I'm supposed to accept that a test can take two months to get results for.

However - this is what we're being told.

My heart is broken - but I am praying for a miracle.

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth.

I know that I've never been "alone" that every step of this journey has been planned - but it is SO hard.

When we were waiting for Grace, we knew that at the end of 9 months (or 7-ish!) that she WOULD BE HERE. There was no wondering if she would be born in 2 years, in 15 months, tomorrow... We knew that she would come.

I know that Ava will come as well, in God's perfect timing. But my heart hurts so much - more than I ever thought I could bear it to hurt. I stay awake at night praying that she is safe, that her health remains well, that she knows we are doing everything we can to get to her.

There isn't a day that passes, or even a moment in a day that passes without me thinking about her. Being pregnant allows you the intimacy of feeling your baby, touching him or her, knowing all is well. My baby is half-way across the world, I haven't ever touched her or heard her voice, or wiped away her tears. Someone else is standing in for us - I pray.

My friend Lisa said once that when she started her adoption she would pray in the car, at the store, the normal prayer stuff. When things got rough she was on her knees. These past few months when it felt like her daughter, Monica, would never get home, she was face down praying to mercy and grace. Right now I am face down, crying out, begging Jesus to hear me and bring a sliver of peace to my heart. Face down praying that someone is holding my daughter when she is afraid. Face down praying that she had enough to eat today. Face down praying that she KNOWS we love her more than we ever imagined that we could.

Every tear I cry - you hold in your hand.

I am so blessed to be a child of God - to know that each and every tear I've cried waiting for my daughter to come home, every one of those tears is held in his hand. Not one of them has been in vain. To know that he knows my pain, he knows my heart, he knows me and loves me. It is the only thing I have that keeps me going.

So much to do, so little time

2009-04-04T16:42:00.000-07:00

(aka: OMG we are leaving in a month and are already SO behind!)

I've sat down several times over the last week trying to put a blog post together but it just hasn't happened. We've been so busy trying to get things in order for our trip that it feels like our days are over before we even realize that they've begun. That's not what I want for our last month as a family of three. I want to really enjoy and embrace all that we have been for the last 8 years. I want to savor every second of Grace - before she's the older sister. Really, if time could just move a little slower, that would be great.

I'm worried about all of the things I don't know about being a mom of 2.

* How do you tell their clothes apart? Grace wants to have matching outfits and I see that as a laundry logistics nightmare.

* How do you give enough of yourself to each child? I already love both of them beyond words - but the time thing really has me worried.

There are many more fears I have - but really, I'm not ready to air all my dirty laundry on the blog :)

Everything is going well in the planning of the benefit dinner and auction. We've received some amazing auction items and I can't wait to see it all come together.

For those who have asked how they can help us with our adoption costs, check out the side bar. I'm going to get some photographs up this evening - but trust me when I say these necklaces are STUNNING.

We're also collecting shoes and children's medication to take to the orphanage. If anyone has any crocs or croc-like shoes, feel free to get them to us before we leave. We're also taking feminine hygiene products (pads - no tampons) because the women there don't have access to that kind of thing. We're filling our allowed luggage with donations and only carrying a minimum amount of clothing and things for ourselves - we are being led to use every bit of space we have available to bring those things over that the staff and children need. If you would like a more comprehensive list of medications they need - either leave a comment or email me and I can get it to you.

Our 2nd yard sale is just ending and again we were successful beyond anything any of us could imagine. God is so amazing. Just being able to share our story with the people who stop by to shop has been great - and seeing how our story touches the lives of others in our community is even more amazing.

Save the date...

2009-03-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have THE best friends...

April 17th, 2009
6pm-9pm

I will be at a wonderful party in honor of our
daughters. It will be a catered dinner, a silent auction,
as well as a live auction AND a dessert auction (trust me,
you'll want in on the desserts - I know the bakers and I'd
consider selling my soul for their goods!)

The donations are flooding in - again from friends, people
I've worked with on etsy, people who have heard our story...

So if you are anywhere near Oak Harbor you HAVE to be with us
on the 17th.

Tickets are $15.00 for adults & $5.00 for kids 12&under (kids are ABSOLUTELY welcome).

We're only selling tickets through the 10th of April - so you'll want to let me know asap if you are interested.

The proceeds from the entire event will go toward paying the Embassy fees to bring Sadie home.

If you are interested in more information - want to buy tickets - or want to help in any other way - just drop me a note (either by email or by making a comment).

We'd love to have you there!

I am so humbled...

2009-03-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

This week my heart has been touched in ways I didn't think possible. The out-pouring of love, compassion, desire, and friendship has been truly humbling.

When we got the phone call on Wednesday, we were on top of the world... Not long after that we discovered that there were some additional costs that we weren't expecting. Now, that changes nothing - Seble IS our daughter - in every way... But we needed to come up with a bit more money to get her into the U.S.

My first reaction was to pray. Really, we never would have come this far if it wasn't in His plan - and we didn't come this far only to be turned away. Not long after that, I sent out an email to some of you asking for your prayers as well. I had no idea what *that* email would come to mean...

On Thursday I was approached by a teacher at Grace's school. She asked me if I was open to having a benefit dinner planned by some of the other families at the school. She did say that it wasn't a *done deal* but just wanted to run it by me before they moved forward...

Here we are on Sunday, the event has truly turned into an EVENT! It is now a catered, sit-down dinner, a silent auction for which the donations have been pouring in, and there is a possibility of a live auction if we're able to procure some bigger-ticket items.

To say that our family is blessed is truly an understatement. The people who are stepping in to help bring our daughter home are truly being the hands and feet of Jesus.

I can't tell you the number of times people have told us what "amazing" people we are, or what a good thing it is we're doing for our daughter - but really, we're just doing what we can. The thing that is amazing is seeing our friends and family and even complete strangers come to us, asking what it is they can do to help, and then doing it. That is amazing... We're just bringing home our daughter. Our friends are doing the work of Jesus right here in front of me... THAT is amazing.

If any of you are interested in donating things for the auction (we're open to pretty much anything). Just send me an email and I'll give you the details.

I've had a few people ask about auctioning off services (babysitting, lawn-care, cleaning) - and I think that's FABULOUS! Get in touch with me and we'll put it all together.

If you want to attend the dinner/auction - tickets will go on sale soon. I'm not sure of the cost yet - I'm still waiting to hear back from the ladies who are planning this. When I know - I'll post/email everyone.

I can't believe that we've come this far... Not much longer and our whole family will be together.

It's a girl!!!

2009-03-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

This morning, at 5:39 a.m. our little family of 3 because a sweet little family of FOUR!!!

We have two daughters. Two...
Grace is no longer the *only*
TWO......

This whole day has flown by in a blur of happiness, tears, and congratulations. Really, one of the best days of my life. To know that God loves us enough to entrust the life of this precious little to us.

I don't know if I can post photos of her yet. I've heard conflicting answers: post after passing court - or not until she's home. I'm going to check with our agency and see... If I can post her photo, I promise it'll be up soon. If not, I'll make sure you see what our newest angel looks like.

A quick funny story before I go. Today we were having a fun hang-out, girly, last hurrah with two of Grace's friends (Alura and Emma). We painted pottery, ate junk food, had some ice-cream, a total fun fest. At one point Emma (the younger of the girls) asked if she could see Sadie's picture (I have a photo album in my purse). I handed her the album and she carefully looked at the pictures, flipping the pages, quite engrossed in the book. She looks up at me and says, "Umm... Mrs. Murphy, her skin is brown."

"Yes it is Emma. She lives in Africa and most of the people there have brown skin."

"That's so cool. I wish my sister could get brown skin. It's so beautiful."

Then whispered to Grace who was sitting next to her...

"Grace, you're so lucky. You have the most beautiful sister ever."

Yes Emma, yes she does. (I must mention that her sister Alura is pretty darn cute too!)

More details coming soon.

Praise God...

The night before Grace...

2009-03-17T18:29:00.001-07:00

Today has been a day full of crazy emotions. I was sitting in the car while Grace was in her science class just praying and thinking about tomorrow and I was struck with the realization that the feelings I was having were the same feelings I had the night before Grace was born.

I love that we got to know exactly when she would come. Though it was because both she and I were very sick, it is still nice to be able to look back on that night and remember everything - simply because we were aware that it was "the" last night I was going to be pregnant.

On that night, Jason looked different to me. He wasn't *just* my husband any longer, he was the father of this amazing child (we didn't know if she was a he or a she yet!). He wasn't just the guy I loved to be with, he was the man that would kiss skinned knees, read bedtime stories, and tuck in this little miracle we were waiting for.

That night I had a hard time finding words to express what I was feeling and thinking so we spent a lot of time just sitting together. We sat and simply immersed ourselves in THAT moment. Knowing that the next day would bring a change that was so vast we couldn't possibly imagine the results.

Today as I sat in the car I felt those same feelings wash over me. Tomorrow, our lives will change in a way that we aren't even able to fully comprehend. If we pass court tomorrow, we will have, in essense, delivered a 47 pound baby (ok, little) girl into our family. Much like labor and delivery we have no idea when this new addition will come, this time in the form of a phone call rather than an actual birth. It *could* simply be false labor (I'm so thankful I didn't have to deal with that when I was pregnant with Grace!) if we don't pass court tomorrow - we'll be sent home from the hospital (given the courts requirements and have a 2nd court hearing scheduled). If we do pass court, our family will grow from 3 to 4. Though she isn't here for us to hold or see, she will be our daughter in every sense; legally, emotionally, and spiritually (I think that happened a long time ago).

I've been so busy this month (Thank you Jesus) that I haven't had time to really dwell on what tomorrow means. Today, however, I did have some time to think, and feel, and pray about the enormity of tomorrow.

A woman who knows nothing more about our family than what is written about us on a few (ok, lots) pieces of paper will weigh all of the options and decide if we are suitable to be Seble's parents. If she feels we are, then the outcome is favorable and we move onto the next step (traveling). If she isn't certain, she'll request more information from our agency and schedule another court date.

Truthfully, I wouldn't want her job for anything. I'd rather be the emotional wreck of a mom that I am than a woman who has to make such life-changing, life-altering decisions.

Unlike childbirth, we won't know the exact moment Seble becomes our daughter (providing we pass court). There will be no throaty first cries, no cheers for the new parents, in fact we might sleep through the whole thing (wouldn't that be a great alternative to childbirth!). Since Ethiopia is 11 hours ahead of us, we simply have NO idea when we will know the fate of our day. In some respects, giving birth to a child is a much easier proposition. It has a pretty definate beginning and end. When the baby is born, you're done (with the birth part anyway) and you certainly know when the baby is born...

That is a luxury we won't have tomorrow. So I'll be attached to my phone from the moment I wake up. Checking every 10 minutes to make sure it's still turned on, that the ringer is up all the way, that I have good reception... I bet I'll be a little tearful waiting for Susan's name to pop up on our caller id. I know I'll hug Grace every chance I get, since it could be her last day as my *only*

Other than that - it will be a birth day just like any other. Prayerfully we'll end our day with a new addition to our family.

I would like to ask again if you could keep us in your prayers. Pray for direction for the judge that she might act in Seble's best interest. Pray for my peace tomorrow, pray that Grace will have that same peace and that she can endure the waiting which is just as hard for her.

Until tomorrow...

Hi/Lo Thursday

2009-03-12T09:00:00.001-07:00

This one is pretty easy this week.
Our high - that our court date is in 6 days :)
Our low - that our court date is in 6 (of the seemingly longest) days :(

It isn't like being pregnant. Counting down the days until you see your baby for the first time. While you are pregnant there is still something beautiful to be experienced. You have a very intimate connection with your child. Waiting during an adoption is just plain hard. The days drag on for what seems like an eternity. You don't have contact with your child - everyone is just in a waiting limbo. We're thankful that our date is quickly approaching and know that whatever happens that day has already been written by the Father - but we're still expecting these 6 days to take *forever*

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and get your link on their site.

How can I help

2009-03-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

AKA: My friend/daughter/sister/neighbor/mailman has adopted a child and I would like to do something nice.

Our agency has a great email group where we can email questions that go to the entire group. This is so helpful for those of us in all stages of the process. Those who have gone before us can help ease the way for those coming up behind. We can share experiences, fears, successes and failures. The information I'm sharing in this post comes from one of the new moms from our agency. Her name is Rosie and she can be found here. She's been home for a short while with her adorable son Abe. The following is a list she compiled based on her homecoming experience with her new family - It's a very comprehensive list of what you, the family/friends of the adoptive family can do to help make those first few weeks a little easier. You'll find my notes in red.

18 ways to love the new family or family member in your life

So there’s a new family- or family member- in your life, and you want to be really helpful. And I want you, as a family member or friend, to be able to be really helpful, too– no matter what kind of new family they are (adoptive, not adoptive, step, etc) so here are some tips that might help you be the asset you want to be…
Before the new arrival arrives

1. Drop by a few meals that can be frozen before the arrival date or adoption date. It’s in their best interest as a nuclear family to have their first weeks at home evolve in a way that they define and that may not include visitors on day one at home. By dropping off a meal (or three) before they ever depart, they are given a little breathing room to seek only what they need in those first precious days home. This would be a gift beyond all comprehension. I am already nervous about how to get it all done. Cooking is not my strong point on my best days - so I can only imagine what it will be like when we're navigating our way through our new family.

2. Offer to go grocery shopping for them on the day that they will arrive back home. Ask for a list and a key and have those groceries in the fridge or in the cabinets well before they are scheduled to be home. Our dear neighbor, Carly, did this for us and bought all organic. It was the sweetest thing ever; we felt so loved by her careful attention.

3. Offer to coordinate meal delivery, and don’t be shy. Carly made this offer to me and I was so shy to share names with her. She wasn’t the least bit shy and teamed up with my mother-in-law to get a group of women together to provide meals a few times a week for a month. Another friend, Lisa, coordinated people dropping by frozen meals for us before we left (see #1) so we had six total weeks of meals provided to us. It was the most perfect of gifts– one of the loveliest ways to be loved.

4. Offer to come over for a day (or seven) of putting things together. There is so much gear and stuff that goes with bringing home a new family member of any age. Bunk bed building help, car seat installing help, wall painting help is all so very welcome.

5. Do something sweet and welcoming. It might be making sure that you mail a card that says Congratulations or Welcome to the new family member. It may be painting a sign or hanging a welcome flag at the house for their arrival home. It may be sending them off on their adoption trip to Ethiopia or China or New Mexico with a little bit of spending money to help the local economy or treat themselves to something. We received so many cards in the first weeks we were home, and it was just so touching.

6. Say prayers, hold them in your thoughts, send them good wishes– however it is you express joy, appreciation, hope to the world, do that for this family before they are together and once they are home. This is one thing I am able to ask for. Jason, Grace and I have been in prayer about this season in our lives for a long time. We pushed forward only when we all very clearly heard God directing us in that way. We would like to ask that you continue to pray that our lives reflect our faith and that we are able to bring our new family together in a way that will delight our Father.

Once they are home

7. At first, resist calling too much. It’s stressful to have to remember to return phone calls in the midst of everything else, and it is hard to even put a thought together. Know that if your loved one needs to talk to you, he or she will call or email or send out smoke signals or something. Just for right then, give them permission to do whatever they most need to do.
Enough said!

8. And then, once the phone bubble has been broken (by their reaching out to you or a few weeks passing), always, always call before you stop by. It helps them plan for the visit. It helps them strategize around nap time, etc. It helps them graciously turn down the visit if it’s not a good time. And always ask “is this a good time? We can plan for a different time if that’s better.” Your visit might seem really necessary to you. It might not be so necessary right at that moment, though, for what they have going on in their lives. So give them the option, give them the out, and when you do get to visit, stay less time than you’d really like. Please understand that it isn't that we don't want to see you, or share our new daughter with you - BUT - we will need some serious decompression time. She will have just left her country, family, and the only life she's ever known to come to a new country, a language she doesn't understand, and three new people that are now her *family*. Can you even imagine? There will be a lot of adjusting, mourning, and regrouping going on - and that can't be done with people dropping by... She will be with us for the rest of our lives - We promise that you will get to see her :) Just not right when we get home!

9. Do think outside the dinner box when you think about putting together a little care package. Muffins and other easy to grab breakfast food (we had scones– thank you, AB) are decadent. Our neighbor, Mary Wilson, brought by cut up orange slices, and we devoured them like we had scurvy or something. We had cupcakes (you know that was okay with me), chocolate ice box pie, and brownies, a beautiful jar of chicken noodle soup for easy lunches, and decadent loaves of bread delivered. It was wonderful to not only have meals covered but to also have easy to grab food on the fly as we ran through the kitchen.

10. Help your loved ones observe the limits they need to set. A few weeks ago, we went to visit my family, and I had told my mamacita that we would need to leave no later than 2:30 pm to come back home. She didn’t want us to leave; she was enjoying our visit, but as soon as 2 pm rolled around, she started watching the clock for us— getting water bottles ready for our ride home, instructing my dad to help BF carry the goodies they had for us out to the car, etc. It was just so nice that she made it so easy for us. Even though I know she would have loved for us to stay a few more hours, she trusted that we knew best when we said what time we needed to leave and that what we thought was best was indeed best for her grandson. It was such a loving and helpful gesture, and it made me think, “I always want to make it that easy for someone else to mind the limits they need to set.” So the new family in your life will have limits– as well they should. As their ally, respect their limits, pay attention to their limits, and help them mind their limits, even when you really want that baby or adorable six year old to hang around a little longer. There will be other get togethers. Push a child past the point where they can control their state (and, trust me, you are not the one who will see the state control melt down. His or her parents will be the lucky and full recipients of that breakdown), and you’ve asked far too much.

11. Ask first about everything. It may not be a good time for the child to be held by someone else or to be given a cookie. Show the parents that you respect their right and ability to make the best decisions for their child and show the child that you understand who their parents are and who should be making the decisions for them. It may not be a good time for the baby to held. It may not be a good time to run outside. Whatever it is you want to do, remember that what you do could undo something the parents have been working towards for a long time. Asking first is a gift to everyone involved. Bonding with a biological child (at birth) is MUCH different than bonding with an older child through adoption. It is vitally important that the adopted child see the adoptive parents as the caregivers. This can't be done if other people are caring for the child, meeting the needs of the child, playing with or interacting with the child. Bonding with an older child is work - and can easily be delayed or undone with a seemingly innocent act. When our daughter comes home the only people who will care for/respond to/meet her needs will be Jason and I. Lots of hard work - but once she is attached to and bonded to us - we'll be more than happy to share all of the fun that goes into caring for two little girls. If you are interested in reading more about attachment in adoption - Deborah Gray wrote the book Attaching in Adoption which is a kind of Bible in the adoption community - with regard to attachment.

12. Accept the answer. So, if you ask, you might get an answer you didn’t really want to hear. Just remember that it’s not about you. It’s about a specific child and his or her specific parents who have a specific goal and objective in mind that really isn’t about you. So give grace abundantly. When we return from Ethiopia our lives will really revolve around Grace and her sister. It is solely about being the parents that they both need in order to remake our family.

13. And don’t give advice abundantly unless you are asked. One of my dearest girl friends is a doctor. She knows a thing or 87. She always, always waits for me to ask a direct question before giving me advice. I love that she trusts me to make good decisions and to know what I need to ask. And she’s the first to say she hasn’t been in an adoptive situation. She fully gets and respects that adoptive parenting has its own unique nuances, and she knows that we are students of the process so she even couches everything she says to me (that I ask about and when appropriate) with observations that show there are caveats for our unique situation. I love how she demonstates her trust and respect. The only real similiarity between giving birth to a child and adopting a child is that you end up with a child. The differences are as vast as the universe. Please don't assume that you know what the adoptive family is *feeling* or *experiencing* just because you have a child the same age - or because you are a parent. If you haven't adopted - you really can't understand... It is a unique situation that presents unique obstacles (as well as joys). If you feel the need to share advice with us - my request is that you write it down, hang on to it until we've been home for 3 months, then if it still seems relevant to you - feel free to share it.

14. While resisting the urge to give unsolicited advice, also resist the urge to make pithy statements (when are you going to let me see that baby, he’s spoiled already, etc). It might seem like a joke, but it really does sting. We're already getting this, and we haven't even passed court yet! Does anyone really think you can spoil a child who comes from the circumstances that some of these children are coming from? Again, enough said.

15. Call when you are going by the grocery store or the dry cleaners or the pharmacy or post office to see if you can pick something up or drop something off. Several people did this for us, and it allowed us to nest a little longer at home. Who knew the gift of time could really be given? I've been told that going from one child to two children isn't really difficult - but I'm thinking that I'm in for a HUGE change. This is something I see as a gift that would be appreciated beyond words. A true gift of time.

16. Offer to come over and give support to the parent– washing and folding laundry, ironing, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, raking leaves, etc. The dailiness of maintaining a household can be really overwhelming when you are adjusting to a new family member, and it’s hard to let yourself off the hook for doing the dishes or the laundry. So you do it and miss valuable, precious moments with your new loved one or valuable, precious moments where you could be sleeping. Having someone say, “I’ll come do that crappy chore for you” is like being asked out by George Clooney. You think you are dreaming, and it’s the best dream you’ve ever had. I also see coming over to hang out or play with Grace as being a very valuable gift. She will be experiencing the biggest adjustment of her life. At 8 years old she's pretty set in her ways. She's willingly, and with an open heart, asked to have a sister - asked to share her room, her toys, and her parents. I know she loves her sister SO much already - but I imagine there will be some rough patches. Grace will certainly enjoy having a familiar face to play with or talk to - while Jason and I will enjoy knowing she's being cared for and loved while we're spending some quality time with our new daughter.

17. Give your loved ones an out when it comes to thank you notes. You know that they are grateful so let them know that you know that and tell them that you don’t want them to write a note. Insist really. It’s one less thing on a list that has become endless.

18. Ask questions. How are you doing? What can I do? What is going well? What’s hard? How can I be more helpful? What do you need? How was the journey, experience, etc? What have you learned? What helps? It is so nice to share this journey with people that you love and that love you.

More to come tomorrow. I'm procrastinating preparing for a women's retreat this weekend - and need to get to work! Thanks again for your love and support. We are so blessed to have each one of you in our lives.

Just raw...

2009-03-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

I wish this post was about sushi or something else that is great when raw, however, it is not. It's about the emotional state of the Murphy household right now.
My heart is just raw. A bit tired of being worn on my sleeve.
Grace is dealing with this in the best way she knows how - by being an ornery, obstinent, and a little disobedient. At night, when we've all calmed down, she'll let me crawl in bed with her and we talk about what it will be like to have the sister we all thought she'd never have. She's excited beyond words - but she also realizes that life as she knows it now is going to change... BIG TIME.

Right now our lives pretty much revolve around Grace. Really, I stay home with her and we can pretty much come and go as we please. She wanted to join the swim team - fine... She wants to play soccer - fine... We want to go away for the weekend - no problem...
But she is sensing that while some things will stay the same (our love for her), many other things will change. She'll have to share the bedroom, the toys, our time... And as much as she wants and has wanted a sister for the last 6 years - she is already mourning what she will lose. Oddly enough I think she understands what she is going to gain and she's ok with the trade-off but really, who wouldn't be a little sad to know that the world no longer revolved around *just* her...

So right now we're all a little tired. We're trying to protect ourselves from the hurt that will come if we don't pass court on the 18th. We're trying to prepare for the long haul, the things we can't plan for or predict. We're trying to *live* our normal lives even though our future is being decided by a judge (a kind-hearted, compassionate women - I've heard) thousands of miles away. Talk about feeling out of control...

Jason is a little quieter than usual, Grace is a bit more snuggly than she has been in the past, and me - well, I just cry at the drop of a hat - thank God we don't have TV - I can't even imagine what the commercials would do to my fragile emotions right now.

If you wouldn't mind - keep us in your prayers. Our court date is the 18th and that is the date it will be decided if she is legally our daughter. Only about 50% pass on the first "try" and we're hoping we're in the passing half - but understand that it is possible we won't pass and will have to reschedule. Please pray that the judge will make the best decision for our daughter so that we can bring her home (soon, please). Pray that the three of us can muddle through the next 8 days and I'll be here next Wednesday evening with an exciting "we passed" post.

Blessings ~ Christall

Of course you look alike...

2009-03-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

We were treated to a new photo of Sadie(Ava) (or Sava as my Brother-in-law called her). She looks pretty much the same as she did in the last photo - absolutely beautiful, not very happy, but she looks like a little girl who has quite a spirit - which means she'll fit into this family just fine.

When the email with the photo came through I called Grace into the bedroom.

Me: Grace, we got a new picture of Sadie/Ava

Grace: Oh, can I see it?
Me: Of course... here it is...

I bring the photo up on the computer and she and I sit there for a bit, really just in awe of this little girl that we love so very much.

Me: I can't wait until we get to meet her

Grace: Me too. Hey mom.

Me: Yes Grace

Grace: She really does look like me, doesn't she? I thought she did in the last picture - but you can really see it in this one.

Me: (stammering, and trying to figure out what to say)

Grace: She does, see it - right here (pointing to her eyes)

Me: What do you think looks alike in the two of you?
Grace: Mo-ommm, our eyes. We both have brown eyes. She's supposed to be in our family because our eyes are exactly the same color brown. (insert LONG pause)

And our faces look the same too...

I can't wait until I can show you her picture - so you can see just how much my caucasian, blonde hair, big girl and my African, black haired, super tiny little girl look alike :)

Seriously - I love how much Grace already loves her. She's fiercely protective, kind, generous, and praying that she comes home soon...

M is also for MARCH 18!!!!!

2009-02-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

We have a court date. Praise God.

I was expecting a court date in early summer - many other families on the Ethiopia adopt email group are being assigned dates in May/June - but Susan (our adoption coordinator) called and left a message telling us that our court date is scheduled for March 18th.

Not all cases pass on the first time through court (about 50%) but since both of our daughter's parents are deceased, that increases the likelyhood that we will (she is a *true* orphan rather than a child who was relinquished by living parents).

March 18th is only 20 short days away. Not even an entire month...

If we pass court on the 18th then we will tentatively travel at the middle/end of April. In less than 2 months I could be walking through the streets in Ethiopia. Something that has seemed wholly dreamlike and fantasy could be our reality in 2 short months.

Please pray. Pray that the judge will act in the best interest of our little girl on the 18th of March. Pray he (or she, there is a woman judge but I'm not sure if she's returned from maternity leave) sees fit to bring our family together soon - and doesn't need further documentation or testimony to make the decision. Pray for the safety and health of our daughter while we wait through what will be the LONGEST 20 days ever.

I wasn't ever really sure that this day would come. I was afraid to ever really believe that *we* would have a court date. I was afraid to let my heart hope even that much.

20 days... Now to find something to keep my mind off of counting the minutes until March 18th.

M is for Monday

2009-02-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

Monday is one of my favorite days. Really, there has never been a particular reason for my affinity toward Monday, but since we're here - we'll just go with it.

This morning Grace and I were up early (7:30 is VERY early in this house) and we got right to work. Nearly all of her school work was done before we headed to my bible study at Kelli's house at 10:30. Kelli and Tab are two great ladies. I don't really think either of them sees herself for the gift she really is (to me and EVERYONE else around them) but I'm just thankful that I get to count them as my friends.

So - bible/book study... We're working through the book called, What women want by Lisa Bergren and Rebecca Price. Hands down one of the best books I've come across that really speaks to the heart of a Christian woman, the things that motivate us to do and be who we are, and how to embrace all that God wants us to be. We're only through chapter 2 and it has been eye-opening, awe-inspiring, and educational.

Grace and I decided to have a fun "girl-lunch" after the group and we went to our #1 favorite place...

Because I'm totally reliant on my blackberry - I brought Grace to her pottery class late. She insisted class started at 1:30, my blackberry informed me it started at 2 :) I'll give you one guess as to who was right...

After pottery (and many apologies on my part) we were off to swim team practice. Today was team picture day and my high-school friend and her husband (Captured Moments Photography) happened to be the photographer. I'm pretty excited about this because I'm kind of a photography snob and I've been searching for a more local photographer, someone who can take my vision and turn it into fabulous photographs. After having our family pictures taken by Tara Whitney, I figured it would be a long while before we'd have them done again. Primarily because I didn't think I'd be able to find a photographer with the same eye, the same vision, the same absolute, raw talent. I'm hoping to see something I like when we get these pictures back. I'd really love to have a photographer here in town...

Home again, home again, jigity jig.

Started dinner, had Grace finish her school work for today, hung the new curtains, decided I didn't like the new curtains but left them up, Grace informed me I was burning dinner, helped Grace with her history, salvaged dinner, the 3 of us sat around the table and shared our day (I have some VERY exciting news that I will share with all of you in the not-so-distant future!!!), Grace and I started reading National Velvet together, and Jason went back to the shop.

All in all a very normal, busy Monday.

I'll leave you with some very fun pictures from this weekend.

Grace is watching her Aunt Rebekah open the gift we got her for her baby shower.

Grace is taking her dog-sitting responsibilities very seriously here :) Cuddled up next to her is the younger puppy, Sparticus (Spot) and by her feet is the older puppy, Sasha. It was hysterical watching her tend to these dogs all day. When they finally went home that night Jason asked her if she still wanted a puppy and without a bit of hesitation she said, "NO"

Adoption group bowling

2009-02-17T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we went bowling with our *little* group of families from church who either have adopted or are in the process of adopting. I don't think any of us realized just how many children there were between the 7 (I think) families. Thus far we've only come together with the adults to plan and discuss and get to know one another. So I for one was floored when I realized just how many children there were all together.

I haven't put my photos on the computer yet but I did see that my friend Cheryl had hers up - so I'm borrowing a few, but I'll add mine this evening.

This is Maria. She is the younger sister of Grace's piano teacher, Anneliese. She is also a great checkers player! She told me she hopes I get beads in my hair before I go to Ethiopia. {Me too Maria, I think I'd look pretty cool!}

To prove that I actually did go bowling, I'm in the polka-dot shirt. The two adorable girls in front of me are Mulinesh and Lydia. Mulu is from Ethiopia and I can't wait until she and Sadie can meet each other. And her hair, just out of the shower and brushed. No product, no nothing. It is absolutely stunning. Absolutely.
Lydia is another sister of Grace's piano teacher and quite a delightful girl. I love that she's checking out Mulu's hair - such a typical girl thing to do.

These three boys are the younger brothers of Grace's piano teacher. Joseph (back), George (middle), and Jeremiah (front). THE sweetest boys you will ever meet. Grace has piano lessons on Tuesday mornings and George is usually waiting for me on the couch with the book he's chosen for us to read. I love that these kids want to hang out with me, that they include me in their playtime, and that they have basically let me into their little lives. They are such a blessing to me!

These two boys are Joshua and Moses. Joshua is just about the friendliest little boy I've ever met and I am certain I've never seen him without a smile. Moses is much more reserved, like a grown-up all packed into a little boy body. But they are seriously the sweetest boys. I had only met Moses once at his house and then we see each other in passing at church. Yesterday I asked him if he remembered me and he said, "Yes, you like cheesecake."

Why Moses, yes I do!

Becoming part of this group, part of this church, and friends with so many families who have taken on adoption as part of their lives - it has been an amazing journey. I am so blessed to have each one of these people in my life.

Hi/Lo Thursday

2009-02-12T13:47:00.000-08:00

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and for a chance to win $100.

It's Thursday again and here is another installment of Hi/Lo Thursday.

This weeks high was definately our fingerprinting appointment on Monday. That was the last hurdle we had to clear before making our court appointment. Now there is truly nothing left for us to *do* other than wait. I can't tell you what a huge relief it was to be done with that.

My low for this week is being sick AGAIN (or perhaps, still). Usually I can push through not feeling well but this time I'm not having much luck.

Nothing earth shattering, nothing too exciting, but that's my week in a nutshell!

Laughter lives...

2009-02-10T08:46:00.001-08:00

It's me again. Hopping on the back of fellow blogger Brent Riggs - I'm bringing you this weeks installment of Laughter lives Tuesday.

After one of the most difficult mornings I've had in a while (another story for another time) we were on our way to our Immigration appointment at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security in Sea-Tac. We barely made it there *on time* (relatively speaking) and the stress level was pretty high. I was ready for gun-toting, scary government guys. What I was faced with was kindness, levity, and a few jokes thrown in for good measure! After our appointment was over we walked around the building for a bit. Being able to see some amazing history for our state was pretty cool. There was a photo of the first non-resident granted citizenship in Washington!
Anyhow. After finishing up I decided I wanted at least one picture to document the event. We were told not to bring our cell phones or cameras into the building but in my rush to get to our appointment I threw my phone in my pocket. The guards never blinked an eye it - so when we were leaving I decided to get a photo of Grace near the sign.

She scooted into the picture and as I was getting my phone ready, she spied a huge sign that read, "No cell phones, cameras, or other recording devices permited - NO EXCEPTIONS" (oh, really?) So Grace gets freaked out because I'm pulling my cell phone out right in front of the sign. She tries to tell me what a big mistake I'm making when Jason chimes in, "Don't worry Grace, it's you that will get in trouble - you're the one in the picture."

You could see the wheels turning in her head. Do I run and save my own tail, or do I stay here because i know that ruining mom's picture would be worse than facing the punishment of the Dept. of HLS.

She was pretty worried that she was going to get in BIG trouble so I finally told her that the sign was meant for INSIDE... No recording devices INSIDE the building :)

Not terribly funny - but it was really what the 3 of us needed after yesterday morning.

This post is part of "Laughter Lives! Tuesday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else's "Laughter Lives!" posts.

Girls night out

2009-02-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

{Forgive the poor quality of the photo, it was taken with my cell phone.}

Have you ever seen two cuter girls? {What a silly question... Of course you haven't!}

I was blessed to spend my entire day with Kelli & her children (one of which is the cutie pictured above) and Tabitha and her boys. We ventured off the island to one of my favorite places, Jungle Playland (or Jungle Germ Factory as my friend Merideth affectionately calls it).

The children (there were 6 total) played, and ran, and jumped, and climbed, and ran, and played, and ran... They were sweaty little balls of happiness! The mama's sat around chatting and playing PlayNine (if you've never heard of it you simply must check out the link!) and watching the kiddies having a great time.

Lily's mom let us borrow Lily(she's on the left in the photo) for the ride home. We decided to have a fun, girls dinner and went to Carino's (the fav. restaurant to all 3 of us!). The girls colored together, played tic-tac-toe, played hangman, laughed, ate, drank, and just had a great time. I love watching my daughter with her friends, but even moreso I love watching her with little girls that she really has a connection with. This age is amazing - even with all the sassiness (which is rearing its ugly head!) she is a great 8-year-old little girl who is growing up into a pretty cool person. And Lily... well, truthfully you will NEVER find a sweeter, more caring, Jesus-loving little girl anywhere. We are SO blessed to have her and the rest of her family in our lives - but really, Grace (and I) have been praying for a little girl-friend that lives in Oak Harbor that could come into our lives and really cultivate a friendship. Grace was heartbroken for a long time after her best-friend Annabelle moved away. Nothing will ever take her place - but my heart is SO happy to see Grace open up to another little girl.

And even better - her mom is great. Kelli is such an inspiration - and I am blessed to have her in MY life... What more could a mom ask for? A friend for her daughter, and the mom of that friend is actually someone I want to spend time with. Really, that just doesn't happen that often.

So back to our night...

After we finished dinner (and dessert) at Carino's we ran over to Target for a few essentials (ColorWonder for the ride home!) and hit the road.

I was treated to knock-knock jokes, beautiful artwork, and LOTS of giggling on the way home.

Seriously, life is good!

Questions...

2009-02-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

So many people have had so many questions about our adoption. I figured I would try to answer a few of them here.

1. Yes Grace and I are traveling to Ethiopia to pick up S.
2. Yes, adoption can be expensive - but so is giving birth to a biological child - need I remind you how $ Grace's birth was?
3. Yes we will be an interracial family (yes, someone asked...)
4. We have loved her since before we even knew who she was. We have prayed for this little girl for YEARS...

That's all for now. If you have any other questions just ask :)

Remembering Amelezeud

2009-01-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

Amelezeud Gashaw
1992-2005

Amelezeud Gashaw was 11 years old when admitted to AHOPE Ethiopia with her two younger brothers. Beautiful and talented, she was a leader among the children, always ready to help whenever needed.She was also an excellent student, earning top grades despite her frequent absences from school due to illness. She learned to speak fluent English as well as her native Amharic despite a hearing loss due to complications from AIDS.
The world lost a child of great promise when Amelezeud Gashaw died of AIDS at age 13 in September 2005, just as anti-retro-viral medications finally arrived at AHOPE Ethiopia, but too late to help her.

Amelezeud is a legend amongst AHOPE supporters and the staff in Ethiopia. Her life, in my opinion, speaks volumes to the importance of AHOPE and orphan care in general. She had many dreams and although they were not realized, her life has come to mean so much to so many.In her own words:

“After I graduate, I want to be a professor of mathematics. In our country there are not many women pilots, so I may want to be a pilot. I want to learn quickly and I want to grow up. In the future, I want to live in my family’s house. I want to build my older brother a villa and to plant flowers on the gate to make it beautiful. I want to help children without families, like me. I am going to tell them that I like them, and help them the way Mimi and Bibi help me. More than anything, I like to read history books. This makes my life happy” (Greene 213).

AHOPE for Children is honoring Amelezeud with the next memorial bracelet. We respectfully ask that you join us in honoring this incredible child by wearing her bracelet. They can be purchased for a donation of $15.00 at http://www.ahopestore.org/. Proceeds benefit the children of AHOPE – Ethiopia.Please feel free to promote the new bracelets on blogs or through email. Thank you very much for your support of the AHOPE Store and making it such a successful project! For any questions please feel free to contact me at store@ahopeforchildren.org.

You have to go check this out...

2009-01-28T20:37:00.001-08:00

and if you can swing a donation, that's even better.

http://www.paintingjosephsmiracle.blogspot.com/

It makes my heart so happy to see children giving all they can to help one another.

Pray for me...Pray for others...

2009-01-28T15:53:00.000-08:00

Ok - so this has seriously become the most boring blog in the world, but right now my heart is just so raw and hurting from the emotional pain that accompanies adoption that just getting through the normal day-to-day stuff is about all I have the energy for. So if you've noticed a pattern in my blog-posts, I'll just freely admit right now that I am hopping on the back of the authors of ...where laughter lives... and just posting in response to their daily topics. Wednesday is now known as "pray for me...pray for others" on the Riggs blog - and they want blog authers to post their prayer request and then post a prayer request that they have for another person/family/situation.

Here it goes...

Please pray that everything related to our adoption moves forward smoothly. There have been a few bumps here and there and we're walking through one of those bumps right now. Pray that God's hand continues to show us the path we are walking.

I also have 2 adoption related *pray for others* requests

My friend Cheryl and her family are adopting a beautiful sibling group of 3. They have been waiting for such a long time - and right now the only thing keeping this family from being together is a bit of paperwork (a passport, I believe). Please pray that these children can come home to their mom and dad and sister and brothers SOON!

And another adoption prayer request for Lisa and her family. They are adopting a beautiful little girl (from the same orphanage as the 3 children being adopted by Cheryl and family) and are also waiting on a piece of paper (ok, passports as well). These children need to be home with their families and I would like to ask you to join me in praying for their safe and speedy journey.

We participate in "Pray for Me... Pray for Others" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to add your prayer request.

Laughter lives...

2009-01-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

This post is part of "Laughter Lives! Tuesday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else's "Laughter Lives!" posts.

Another Laughter Lives post...
Creative ways to say I love you...

Since Grace was able to talk we always ended our day with, "I lurve you a million times to the moon and back."

The recipient of that statement then had to come up with a number bigger than a million or something that would make you laugh your pants off...

Grace has said:

"I lurve you a million times to your pits."
"I lurve you a million times to pizza."
"I lurve you a million times to bananas."

Nonsensical, funny, and it makes me smile every time I think about it. In fact, I think I need to go the the girl right now how much I lurve her!

It's 11:45 a.m. and can you guess what I'm doing?

2009-01-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

Nothing... That's right!
I have THE best husband. He woke up early (and if you know him, you know that isn't something he does)to take Grace to swim-team practice. After practice he brought me my favorite Saturday morning fare - Starbucks Venti black iced-tea, unsweetened and a cranberry orange scone. There is nothing better.
He brought in my yummy breakfast and didn't say a word about the fact that I was still laying in bed, reading my favorite blogs, getting a bit of work done... He handed over the goods, told me he had some things to do, and that he and Grace would be home later in the day.

So here it is, 11:45 a.m., I'm still hanging out in bed. Just finished off the iced-tea, and I don't know what to do with myself.

What a gift! What a guy!

Maybe I'll get up and go do the knitting I've been putting off - which is what I usually do to avoid the housework I'm putting off. No sense in ruining this beautiful, peaceful, quiet day with housework, right?

Happy day!

Hi/Lo Thursday

2009-01-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts.

Since I'm too tired to think of anything really original for a blogpost on this lovely Thursday afternoon, I'm going to participate in Hi/Lo Thursday!

High - Putting away all of our Christmas decorations. Everything is boxed up, and put away in the garage. No more snowflakes in the window, nativity scenes on the piano - it's all put away. And even better is how surprised Jason will be when he gets home and realizes that HE doesn't have to do it this year (in May, like normal).

Low - I have the worst sinus infection of my life. I think this is only the 2nd I've ever had but it is really throwing me for a loop. I deal with pain on a daily basis - but really, the pain from having spinal fractures is more tolerable than this pain. It THROBS when I stand-up, it throbs when I sit down, if I move my head to fast I'm dizzy... I have an appointment for tomorrow so I pray that my doctor takes some sort of pity on me and just puts me out of my misery. Or gives me a super-fast acting antibiotic.

So there you have it. In a nutshell, the hi/low of my week.

What about you? How has your week been?

Laughter lives Tuesday

2009-01-19T21:16:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite blogs to read is ...where laughter lives. I stumbled upon it while researching adoption and have continued reading it because their faith and their love for the Father is inspiring. Check it out when you have some time (and a few tissues).

So on this blog they have a new thing called "Laughter lives Tuesdays" and it is designed to bring to light all of the funny, humorous, laughable things in our lives - so that we can, for just a few moments, forget all the crappy things.

So - I'm game for that.

The theme this week is *things our kids have done* so here we go...

When Grace was in pre-school she started to notice that she was one of the only children in her class (or any of the pre-school classes for that matter) who didn't have any brothers or sisters. She would come home and ask me every day when she could have a brother or sister. Since she was only 4 years old I decided it would be best not to go into the details of our choice to have only one child and simply told her that we loved her SO much we didn't want to share her with a brother or sister. The requests continued...
...and continued...
...and continued...

Then we noticed that they stopped. She stopped talking about siblings. She stopped asking for a sister. She just stopped. And we were pleased - obviously we had "gotten through to her"

One afternoon, while I was waiting to pick her up, her preschool teacher asked if she could have a word with me. I followed her into the hallway, she looked me straight in the eye and said, "Grace told us she was having a baby."

After I composed myself, stopped laughing, and wiped the tears from my eyes - I asked if she (the teacher) had lost her mind!

Ms. Gail (whom I adore) told me that for the past few weeks Grace had been asking to take duplicates of her schoolwork home for "her baby." The teachers assumed that I was pregnant and just let Grace have her way. Grace continued to ask for duplicates of everything - snack, homework, prizes - anything she got, she wanted to also bring home "for her baby."

Ms. Gail finally asked Grace when her baby was coming to which she replied, "I don't know. My mommy and daddy won't have a baby sister for me so I have to grow one in my own tummy."

Poor kid - her parents won't give her a sibling, so at 4 years of age she has to go and have her own.

After we found out about her little "plan" we tried to explain to her that things didn't quite work that way - but Grace is nothing if not insistent. She had chosen bunk beds for her room so that the baby would have someplace to sleep (the bottom bunk), she asked her dad to buy her a doll seat for the back of her bike so she could *drive* the baby around....

It was hands down one of the funniest things she's done. And she still calls a calculator a "conkulator" - that pretty much cracks me up every time!

This post is part of "Laughter Lives! Tuesday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else's "Laughter Lives!" posts.

The letter that the previous letter announced...

2009-01-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

has arrived!

What a speedy government agency USCIS is. We expected an agonizing 3-4 day wait but guess what was waiting in our mailbox today!

That's right - our fingerprinting appointment letters - or *biometrics* as I've learned they are called.

So on February 9th at noon, Jason and I will be at the Immigration office clearing yet another hurdle.
I wish it were sooner - but I'm just thankful it happened so quickly.

Look what came in the mail today!

2009-01-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

So it's not super-exciting, but my heart almost stopped when I saw the return address.

Immigration sent us a letter letting us know that in 3-4 days time we will receive another letter with our appointment for fingerprinting.

A letter informing us of the delivery of a letter.

But who cares - it's another hurdle we've cleared. Another step in the journey...

And the mailman was really curious about us getting something from immigration! He asked Grace why we were getting something from immigration - and she of course had no idea what he was talking about. It was kind of funny.

That's our good news for the day!

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

2009-01-13T11:44:00.001-08:00

I feel a little like a kid at Christmas time. Only it isn't nearly as cute when I stomp my feet and yell and scream. I am done waiting.

I know that this process takes time.

I know that things have moved relatively quickly for us.

I know that she will come home exactly when she is supposed to.

However - I am just done with the waiting. My heart is just raw from the emotion of the entire process.

I am her mom, she should be here with me right now, sitting on this couch, just finishing lunch with her sister. We should be deciding what school subject to work on next, what book we'll read, perhaps talking about what they will be doing at Mimi night tonight.

But for now she is thousands of miles away and there is nothing I can do to make the process go any quicker.

So for now I sit (for periods of time I am unwilling to admit to) and stare at her picture. She is beautiful, and wonderful, and I am more in love with her today than I ever thought possible. I want Grace's sister to be HERE with us, right now. Until that happens I will just continue to pray.

Ethiopian cooking update

2009-01-03T11:05:00.000-08:00

I have never received so many emails asking me to update my blog! Who knew people were interested in my cooking :)

Anyway - The food actually turned out ok... Jason really liked it - and Grace loved the injera. I of course was coming down with something and couldn't even stand the smell of it by the time it was finished - so the two of them together polished off the entire meal!

I ended up making something called Doro Wot which is a very thick stew with chicken. It isn't anything like our stews here in the US - this has a very thick sauce, pieces of chicken, TONS of onions, and is quite spicy.

I also made the Berbere spice that is used in Ethiopian cooking and have found that it is pretty similiar to the authentic spices.

The injera was ok - totally not like the real stuff - but we didn't have the Teff flour (Hey Idaho family - the one place that grows Teff in the US is in your neck of the woods - pretty cool!). Once we're able to order the Teff I am confident that my injera will be more like the *real* thing.

I'll post photos soon - I think I left my SD card in my jeans and washed them :( but those things are pretty durable so when I find the pair of jeans I was wearing I will post the pictures.

On New Year's Day we decided to take a trip to Seattle to go to the Science Center to see Lucy. It was incredible to see her skeleton - The fact that we were able to be in the same room with and see something that is 3.18 million years old was amazing. The whole exhibit was about Ethiopia. We learned SO much and it was so amazing to see things that have come from this country that we are about to visit. Grace would look at the pictures and then ask, "will we get to go there?" and I was thrilled to answer, "yes"

We will get to see the churches in Lalibella, we will get to see the Blue Nile, we will get to see things we can't even imagine or prepare for. We are SO excited. A little sad that Jason can't go with us - that is the only thing that keeps this whole event from being perfect.

If you live in/around the Seattle area make sure you take the time to visit the exhibit at the Pacific Science Center. You won't regret it.

an Ethiopian affair to remember?

2008-12-31T13:32:00.000-08:00

Maybe?

We're not much on celebrating New Year's Eve. We don't tend to obsess about what to do or where to go and it usually ends with us realizing, half-way through the movie we're watching, that we've unknowingly ushered in a new year.

This morning in the shower (where I get all my good ideas) I decided we'd celebrate the end of this year and the beginning of the next with a feast (or at least a little dinner) from our new country. It seemed so fitting. Tonight marks the last day of 2008, this time next year we'll no longer be a family of 3, but of 4. So on this eve of a new year, a new year that will usher in a new child, a new country, and a new family - we thought we'd celebrate with food from Ethiopia.

Those who know me know I'm not such a great cook with foods from my own country so how can I possibly think I can whip together a meal from another country? Well in all honesty, I'm not really holding out much hope and I have the Pizza Factory on speed dial. But Grace and I are going to give it the old college try!

We're planning on making Berbere (an Ethiopian butter/spice staple), Doro Wot (another staple - a kind of chicken stew), and injera. Unfortunately the injera calls for a grain known as Teff which isn't readily available in our little town so we found a copy-cat recipe that uses buckwheat flour - which we can get here in town.

I'm excited to put this all together - I really have NO idea how it will turn out but it should be fun to try! And for my local friends - come on over, I'm sure there will be lots!

Pictures to come tomorrow - if you don't see a pizza you'll know we were successful!

Darn you, youtube...

2008-12-28T18:57:00.001-08:00

I enjoy looking through the plethora of video on youtube. I have learned many things, Grace enjoys watching the Tom & Jerry videos, and sometimes when I just need to laugh I can always find something to fit the bill.

Today though, youtube is NOT my friend.

If anyone ever says to you, "I saw a video on youtube, I can totally do it." stop them. No questions asked, whatever it is they *think* they can do, stop them.

My laptop has been making this REALLY annoying sound. To me it sounds like the fan is working overtime... (Jason says it sounds like a motor starting to go bad). It is loud and intermittent, and very annoying.

So I did a little research and found that often this problem is caused when the fan has a lot of gunk in it - pet hair, lint, dirt, stuff like that. Well we had this problem with laptop #1 and I remember all to well how that ended (lost everything on the computer). I went to youtube and found a ton of videos about cleaning the parts and pieces of a laptop. Perfect :)

I am now the proud owner of a laptop that still makes the same sound, and 7 extra screws.

I'll be making a trip to the computer store tomorrow. The humiliation I will experience as a result of telling the 12 year old computer tech why I have 7 screws he needs to find a place for will be punishment enough. Lesson learned. I can not fix a computer just because I watched a video on youtube.

4,204,800

2008-12-20T16:56:00.000-08:00

Any idea why that number is on my heart today?

It is the number of minutes that Jason and I have been blessed to have with our daughter, Grace.

We have had over 4 million minutes to spend with her, raising her to be a good person, a loving person, a person who is caring and compassionate and smart.

8 years

Some days those minutes seem to drag on FOREVER but most of the time they slip through my fingers are are gone even before I've had the time to bury myself in the gift that they are. I don't want to take one second with Grace for granted. She is a child who was wanted long before she came to us. She is the child that Jason and I dreamed about for so long.

Every parent thinks that their child is special - but there is something so pure and so innocent and lovely in Grace that sometimes I can't contain my excitement at the thought of what she will become.

She's changed us, Jason and I, and we are so thankful for each of those 4 million minutes that we have had with her.
This is from her surprise party yesterday. Her friends in her Brownie troop were already spending the night and so we lumped her party and the sleepover all together. She was SO surprised - and had a lovely time.

One of her favorite gifts was this ugly doll, Captain Babo. She has been begging for one of these for SO long. I gave in and bought her a keychain ugly doll that she hung from her backpack - but she's wanted a *doll* for SO long.

I just have to say that I can't even believe that she is eight.

8 years old.

Simply not possible!

8349 miles

2008-12-16T20:43:00.001-08:00

The distance that seperates our family.

8,349 miles between us, and our littlest girl.

8,349 miles - a distance that is measurable and understandable.

8,349 miles - tonight it may as well be a million.

Please pray.

Pray that I can find the peace I need to step away and allow this process to unfold in God's time and not my own.

Pray that both of our girls know just how much we love them and how hard we're working to bring us all together.

Pray that things keep moving.

Chuck the cheesy snow-guy

2008-12-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

What's a kid to do when the first snow of the season has fallen and her parents refuse to leave the comfort and warmth of their bed?

Build a Chuck of course.
What is Chuck, you ask?

Chuck is a mini-snowman. He's perched quite happily on the railing of our front porch. It seems that a corn-cob pipe and a button nose weren't on the menu for Chuck.

No...

He has something special, something different. His nose is a carrot but those beautiful orange eyes, and that smile that just lights up the room - those babies are 100%, grade-a, cheese-whiz.

Grace made eyes and a mouth on a mini snowman out of squeezy-cheese.

Lesson learned, when it snows and the girl asks us to get up an play - we better go. Who knows what she'll come up with next!

The photo above is when Chuck was fresh and new. The photo below is after he's been sitting outside, alone and in the cold, for several hours while we were shopping. He looks like he might be mad, what do you think?

(sorry - I can't rotate him... rest assured he's still standing upright!)

The musical event of the year...

2008-12-13T14:44:00.000-08:00

No introduction required. Seriously.

I won't mention that she was petrified, and for a good while I thought she might actually get sick. But she stuck it out and she played beautifully.

And not to lessen her fabulous performance but here is how these kids entertain themselves on a Saturday night (while I am, of course, doing something sane and normal).

Isn't it funny...

2008-12-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

I enjoy being able to look back over my life and seeing how things have worked out. The whole "things happen for a reason" thing - I enjoy getting to see the reason.

Let's take a trip back to this time last year. We were in the middle of a great deal of turmoil at Grace's school. Her teacher had been treating the children quite badly and though we tried for months (since the beginning of the school year) to work something out with the teacher, the principal, and the families of the students, it became appearant that nothing was going to change and we had a decision to make.

From the outside it would seem an easy one, you simply take your child out of school and stick them in another.

From where we were, there was NO easy. I was the PTA President, I had been a teacher at the school, my daughter's teacher had also been my husband's first grade teacher and we grew up with her children, we had committed to sending Grace to this school (her dad went through school there as well)... all of these things combined made it very difficult for us to pick up and leave. We all loved this school...

We did eventually leave - after going back to school for only 2 days after Christmas break was over. The clincher was when I came in to bring Grace her lunch on the 2nd day after Christmas break and I could hear the teacher screaming at them, with the door shut, at the opposite end of the hallway. I called Jason, set up a meeting with the principal, and submitted my resignation as pta president and withdrew her from school.

At that time, I didn't see how any of this could be for good. I didn't see how any of this could be part of a bigger plan, but I was SO, so, wrong!

We knew we wouldn't send her to public school here in Oak Harbor. We had both gone through P.S. here and were committed to keeping her out of it so we enrolled in our home-school co-op and moved on with life and school and everything.

We love Home Connection. And if that weren't enough on its own, it was here that we were able to start seeing glimpses of the bigger plan that was at work in our lives.

The families at HC are about as diverse as you can imagine. The spirit of adoption is definately alive in the hearts and lives of the families here. There are children adopted from China, children adopted from Liberia, Viet Nam, and of course Ethiopia. Seeing these families, but more importantly seeing them parenting and teaching their families successfully made a huge impression on me. That little fire started flickering while spending many hours in the family room at Home Connection - watching these beautiful families - seeing them, getting to know them and their families, a little, tiny fire was lit. (it was pretty little to start)

Grace had BEGGED to play the piano since about 5 minutes after she stopped playing the violin. In August we got an email about a local girl who moved back to Oak Harbor and was going to start giving piano lessons. If you read my blog with any regularity you will know that in August we didn't have a piano - but Anneliese said that wasn't a problem and we signed Grace up. During the lesson I wait for Grace in her teacher's (parent's) house. At the second lesson I noticed a constant stream of kids coming and going, some playing in the back yard, some hanging out upstairs. Long story short, Grace's piano teacher is the oldest of 12 children, 4 biological and the rest adopted.

We had been looking for a new church home for a LONG time... The church I grew up in had stopped meeting the needs of our family a long time ago and truthfully we had just grown lazy in our search, in our attendance, and it was bothering me. So my friend Tabitha (the sweetest thing ever!) invited us to her church. When she told me what church she attended, I just laughed... She went to The Bridge Christian Fellowship - which happens to be the church that was started by a (fabulous) lady that I used to teach with at the Christian School and her husband. So on the first Sunday that we visited the church we found that Grace's piano teacher and her family attended this church and we also learned that Cheryl (the woman I taught at the Christian school with) was also adopting 3 (beautiful) children from Ghana...

Ok - I think I *might* be getting the message...

Before we took Grace out of the Christian School our lives didn't cross very often with families who have adopted. And now, we come into contact with adoption in so many different forms on a daily basis.

I'm glad I opened my eyes and started to listen to what God was trying to say to me.

And now, the request portion of the program.

Please pray for peace and patience for my heart. I'm having such a hard time with the waiting and the hoop jumping and the people... Please help me see these (particular) people as our advocates instead of our road-blocks because right now I'm not really feeling the "working together" vibe...

And pray for our little girl. She's thousands of miles away and doesn't know when we'll come to get her - I can't imagine how hard that is. Pray that she is just covered in Love and Peace and safety - until (and after) we can bring her home.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

2008-12-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

In our livingroom :)

Each night from December 1sth through the 24th we have an advent or count-down to Christmas activity that we do. Sometimes they are simple - watch a Christmas movie/make from-scratch hot-cocoa.

Some are more daring - bake cookies and deliver to neighbors and friends...

Some are just plain fun - like tonight's activity which was obviously making paper snowflakes.

We've really started getting into this snowflake thing. This year I think we did a pretty impressive job. It was just Grace and I since it is Wednesday - so we put in a movie (Toy Story for those of you who want to know) grabbed our beverage of choice (diet coke for the mom and water for the kid), a box of Trader Joe's Peppermint cookies (LOVE them!) and got to work. We finished 15 snowflakes and our window is now a beautiful snow storm! In the photo Grace cut the two left-most snowflakes. I think she did a pretty good job!

And because I said I would, I've included a photo of our Christmas tree. I lost a little piece that goes to my camera so I haven't been able to get a good "lights-on" tree picture yet (can't use the tripod without the little piece) but I'll keep working on it. I really thought I would be sad looking at our tree this year - with only a few ornaments instead of the normal "bajillion" but truthfully, I LOVE it... You can see each and every ornament that is hanging on the tree. The branches aren't weighed down with obscene amounts of ornament weight. I can sit on the couch and *spy* an ornament and instantly be taken back to the time and place that it was bought - or the story that goes along with it. That's not something that I've been able to do before because our tree is always covered with every ornament we've ever had. So even though I pouted and complained - I'm so glad we did it this way. The tree is in a nice (it's growing on me anyway) spot, the ornaments look lovely, but I'm just now noticing we forgot to put the all important (I made it when I was 3 years old) star on... Oops. Guess that will be the Advent activity for tomorrow!

If you're interested in making snowflakes like the talented Grace and her equally talented and lovely mom, go here. There is a place to download 9 or so snowflake patterns. You can purchase more - but we were able to change things around enough on the 9 we downloaded for free to make each of them different. We're thinking we might add some glitter to the ones we do tomorrow!

Go Red...

2008-12-01T10:55:00.000-08:00

Every day approximately 4,100 men, women and children die in sub-saharan Africa from this PREVENTABLE, TREATABLE disease.

Just TWO pills each day, which cost approximately .40cents can keep someone with HIV/AIDS alive and healthy.

Starbucks is donating 5cents today (Dec. 1/World AIDS day) from every hand-crafted drink. While 5cents may not seem like a lot - I think about it this way... how many of those people in line at Starbucks would be giving *more* than 5cents to The Global Fund? So the 5cents that Starbucks is donating on behalf of those people is 5cents more than the fund had before. And think about how many Starbucks are in the US and Canada. We have 4 in Oak Harbor alone! Four Starbucks that are ALWAYS busy :)

I can't wait to see the numbers at the end of the day. I can't even imagine how many people will now have access to the medical care they need to stay alive. Isn't it amazing what 40cents per day can do.

Go get a drink!